This is my weekly series for subscribers only, where I’ll share things that caught my eye this week in a fun and flirty way (kiss), a sustainable way (marry), or a not-so-good way (kill). And yes, this trendy game is technically “f***, marry, or kill” but we run a family-friendly-ish show around here.

Kiss (things I like right now)

🎧 Wild Dark Shore, Charlotte McConaghy' (←listened with my ears)

I’m sure 92% of you have read this already, because everywhere I looked, I saw people raving about this book. But it was in Reese’s Book Club, and while I love her as an actress and business person, we don’t always have the same taste in books. Also, sometimes the more people say “you have to read this,” the less I want to read it? But it came up on Libby, so I gave in.

Dammit, Reese was right. This book is a masterpiece. I love books that hurt, and I haven’t read one in a while. Wild Dark Shore just broke me, in every way possible.

A woman washes up on the shore of a remote island just outside of the Antarctic. The family caretaking the island finds her. Who is she? How did she get here? Why is she here? The family, a father and three kids, have also been broken. Everyone is keeping secrets. Their lives begin to converge in ways that nobody (certainly not the reader) could have imagined.

It’s a bit of a thriller, but that word feels far too light and fluffy for this story. It’s a bit of a romance, but not in the traditional sense. It’s equal parts adventure and retreat; breakdown and resilience; destruction and rebirth. I can’t do it justice, but it will make you cry.

Of note, I was listening to this while reading Endurance. The similarities between both their settings and themes made listening to this even more impactful. Also, the multi-cast narration was glorious, and I only want to listen to Australian accents from here on out.

If you’re one of the 16 people who haven’t read (listened to) this yet, it’s time.

Listen to this, I beg you

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Expo West is the largest natural and organics show in the world, featuring all of your favorite food, drink, personal care, and supplement brands. We walked the show for two days, talked to hundreds of people, and found protein in approximately 1,358 products. (Including Whole30 Approved LaCroix’s newest flavor, Pineapple Coconut!)

Here is my 2026 summary of the best finds. In next week’s XOMU email, I’ll do an even deeper dive into Expo’s biggest 2026 trend—the good, the weird, and the WTF are we even doing here. Don’t miss an email! Subscribe and they’ll go straight to your inbox.

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Expo West: Best finds (in order of my camera roll)

Roots Farm Fresh (fries and more)

We bumped into the Roots Farm Fresh truck within five minutes of setting foot on Expo grounds, and spent the next 30 minutes chatting with their co-founder (Alex) and team. Alex and I had the best conversation, bouncing between seed oils, whether tallow is here to stay (it’s not), tallow sourcing (ugh), and general industry trends.

I already loved their products (I buy them at my local Sprouts), but their new waffle fries really sealed the deal. They taste more potato-y than any other store-bought fries; crisp up deliciously in the air fryer; and have a creamy, fluffy center. They also make fries, potato “toasts” (wide, thin slices), and “croutons,” which are genius.

Ingredients (white potato fries): Organic Potatoes*, Organic Avocado Oil
*Upcycled

You’ll find Roots Farm Fresh new waffle fries at your local Sprouts and on their website in April. (So soon!) Sadly, their products are not Whole30 compatible; some varieties contain corn starch, but all varieties fall under the Pancake Rule. However, in your food freedom, you won’t find a tastier, more convenient fry. Follow Roots Farm Fresh on Instagram.

Geisen Sparkling Brut

This year at Expo, I learned that “dealcoholized” is a word. I also learned that I can, in fact, love non-alcoholic replicas of familiar alcoholic drinks like champagne. Geisen Sparkling Brut is crafted with the finest New Zealand grapes, and is "zero proof,” making it the perfect NA toasting beverage. And it tasted delicious! It’s not too sweet and deliciously crisp, with notes of citrus. It’s also pretty low in sugar, with just 7 grams per serving.

Ingredients: Dealcoholized Grape Wine (98%), Grape Juice (2%), Sulfur Dioxide (Preservative—does contain sulphites)

They share the details of how “dealcoholization” works on their website. Note, they guarantee their product contains no more than 0.5% alcohol by volume. By comparison, this is not meaningfully different from what you might get from certain fruit juices (like orange juice), so don’t let that figure throw you.

Geisen has other varietals too, including Sauv Blanc, Rosé, and a Merlot—all of which are NA. Is it still technically “wine?” They say yes, because they start with fermented grapes, like other wines. Is it Whole30 compatible, is the bigger question… and the answer is, “Maybe?” The word “wine” on the label is the tricky part, given the “no alcohol” rule, but there is no alcohol in final product, in which case I’d be fine with you drinking it during your Whole30. (I still need to talk about it with the team.)

In the meantime, if you’ve got a party, wedding, or regular old Tuesday night where you want to drink something fancy, these are a fantastic choice. Follow Geisen Wines on Instagram.

Joolies Date Sours

These aren’t available until May 2026 (I don’t want to bury the lede), but they were a delight and I cannot wait. To be clear, I am not a date fan; they’re sticky and too sweet. But when I saw sour dates? I was intrigued.

When I was pregnant (more than 13 years ago), I developed intense sour cravings. I started putting straight vinegar on all my salads, and would suck on lemons as much as my tooth enamel would allow. That sour fixation never left, and these new Joolies packed a serious punch. You’d only need one or two for maximum satisfaction, which means a little goes a long way.

Their web shop is down for maintenance, so I’m linking to the press release sharing more about this new offering. I also don’t have the full ingredient panel yet, although the press release says, “no added sugar or sugar alcohols.”

They’ll be available in four flavors: Blue Raspberry, Peachy, Watermelon (my favorite), and Cherry Cola. It was fun watching everyone’s face as they tried these—the sour cheeks were everywhere. Look for these in Sprouts in May, or find a retailer on the Joolies site. Follow Joolies on Instagram.

Tatemada Salsas

Tatemada’s branding is so pretty, and their salsas are next level. Their flavors are so rich and layered, with the perfect level of spice. (The Jalapeño was my favorite, and though that is marked as “max spice” on their label, I found it a solid medium.) We also loved the Molcajete; in fact, I’m eating that right now as I whip up this newsletter.

Ingredients: Roma Tomatoes, Jalapeño & Serrano Peppers, Onions, Pink Himalayan Salt, Non-GMO Fruit Derived Citric Acid

I was delighted to find a good selection at my local Sprouts; you can use their store locator to find Tatemada near you. I also had a fabulous chat with the founder, Sarah. And the best news ever—Tatemada Salsas are Whole30 compatible! I’d love to make them a Whole30 Approved partner, so if you love their salsas too, let them know on Instagram!

Once Upon a Coconut Water

I am not a coconut water fan. Never have been. It’s always tasted manky to me, which is not a word, but slang to describe something that’s dirty, old, and/or funky. While coconut water is fantastic source of energy and potassium, I’ve never found a brand I liked enough to buy—until Expo West, and Once Upon a Coconut!

Once Upon a Coconut uses fresh, never-from-concentrate, young coconuts harvested directly from the tree before they have time to age and drop. The taste is clean, lightly (naturally) sweet, and unlike any coconut water I’ve tried before. Their flavors, like Pineapple, Watermelon, and Blueberry, are delicious, with no added sugar. (All of these, plus the Original, are Whole30 compatible!)

Ingredients: Coconut water, watermelon juice

They also have two fun varieties: A chocolate coconut milk (sweetened), and sparkling coconut water with caffeine (also sweetened). I thought chocolate coconut milk would be gross, but I loved it. This would make the perfect post-workout carb replenishment, and I’m excited to order some for my kid for after his sporting events. They’re at my local Sprouts and Whole Foods; use their store locator to find Once Upon a Coconut near you. Follow Once Upon a Coconut on Instagram.

Veggie Vice Veggie Chips

Who isn’t going to stop when someone in a broccoli hat offers you a veggie chip? Veggie Vice takes the good green stuff (namely, Broccoli and Zucchini) and turns them into insanely crispy, highly addictive snack chips. They’ve currently got freeze-dried Broccoli Sour Cream and Onion chips, and Zucchini chips. The Broccoli chips use dairy, so they’re not Whole30 compatible, but damn were they delicious! I’m not the biggest broccoli fan, but I could easily eat a whole bag of these. The Zucchini Chips are Whole30 compatible, and they’d make a great addition to your next program!

Ingredients: Zucchini, Sea Salt.

I’m hoping they come out with more flavors, but I’ll happily trade off between broccoli and zucchini until they do. They’re available in my local Sprouts, but you can use their store locator to find them near you. Follow Veggie Vice on Instagram.

Expo West 2026 #1 Pick: Wilde Protein Crackers

Y’all, this was my hands-down favorite snack of the whole show, and it was even more delightful that it’s made by one of my favorite companies and founders (Jason Wright, pictured above). Wilde is famous for their high-protein chicken chips, which were so ahead of their time when they launched in 2015. (My son is obsessed with the Buffalo, and I love the Chicken & Waffle.) They’re chips made from real chicken, averaging between 10-12 grams of protein per serving. Wilde also makes mini-bags, perfect to send in your kid’s lunchbox (or your own).

This year, they debuted their newest product… Protein Crackers. At least, that’s what the package says. Y’all, they should be called High-Protein Fancy-Ass Cheez-Its, and let me tell you, I could not get enough. They’re delicious: crunchy, crispy, cheesy, and yes, packed with protein! But unlike so many other Expo products, protein has been baked into their brand ethos since the very beginning. This isn’t a chip adding protein—this is protein in the form of a chip.

They’re not out yet, and I’m desperately trying to find out when and where they will launch, so standby! Stalk Follow Wilde Chips on Instagram.

Expo West 2026 breakout star: Sourmilk

Sourmilk Yogurt made a big splash at Expo. It’s Greek yogurt, low in lactose, high in protein (of course), and insanely creamy. It boasts more probiotics than typical Greek yogurts, contains no added sugar, is made from organic grass-fed dairy, and has been called “the whipped cream of yogurt.” Also, their socials are a WILD RIDE.

The company is women-founded, from two best friends in New York who used to work in VC. I’ve already reached out to say, “If y’all ever do a raise, I’ll be first in line.” I think you’ll see Sourmilk in many retailers this time next year, fingers crossed.

Expo West: Honorable mentions

These were fabulous finds that are worth calling out—and worth you seeking out at your local grocer or online.

Little Lads Spicy Dill Pickle Popcorn

First, to my delight, the pickle-flavored-everything trend is still alive. Next, I’m a huge popcorn fan, but not the bagged stuff. I find it super-dry, lacking depth of flavor, or both. I tried plenty of popcorn at Expo, but walked away disappointed each time. Until Little Lads! This is good popcorn! It wasn’t dry, and the dill pickle flavor was delicious. I didn’t try all of their flavors, but I’m intrigued by Vermont Maple Buttah.

Siete Sourdough Tortillas

Siete never misses, and this Expo was no different. They debuted a new “Sourdough” Tortilla, and it was nothing short of magical. It’s made from cassava, but giving major sourdough vibes. The texture is soft and smooth like flour, the flavor has that mild sourdough tang, but they’re 100% gluten- and grain-free. They’re launching in Texas HEBs this month, with more nationwide retailers to follow in early spring. Follow Siete on Instagram.

Zingha Aromatherapy

Remember a few years ago, I introduced you to Boom Sticks? This year, Zingha also caught my attention. They’re essential oil nasal inhalers (aromatherapy) designed to improve your mood, relax you before bed, clear your sinuses, or relieve stress. (And you can get both nostrils at once, which I love!) I grabbed a sample of the Boost, which is Eucalyptus, Tea Tree, Rosemary, Sweet Orange, Lemon, and Peppermint. I’ve been using it daily; you can get 4 for $20 (and a variety of flavors/scents) on Amazon.

Gutzy Prebiotic Pouches

Thanks to (again) GLP-1 use, pouches, smoothies, and other easy-to-digest, nutrient-dense snacks or mini-meals are on the rise. I’ve been eating baby food pouches for years during travel or hikes, but Gutzy pouches are all grown up.

They launched two new protein-added varieties at Expo, featuring 7 grams of pea protein and a touch of monkfruit. All of their pouches (which they call “smoothies”) feature 7-8 grams of fiber per serving, and are packed with prebiotics. Plus, the five non-protein versions are all Whole30 compatible! These are such a fantastic addition to your mini-meal, snack, or on-the-go travel stash, as you can keep it out of the fridge for a whole day (as long as it’s not exposed to extreme heat). Use their store locator to find Gutzy near you, and follow them on Instagram.

Want to know more about anything I’ve shared here? Excited about any (or all) of these products? Leave a comment; they’re open to all today!

XO, MU

Leave a comment

This is my weekly series for subscribers only, where I’ll share things that caught my eye this week in a fun and flirty way (kiss), a sustainable way (marry), or a not-so-good way (kill). And yes, this trendy game is technically “f***, marry, or kill” but we run a family-friendly-ish show around here.

Kiss (things I like right now)

🎧 The Hunting Wives, May Cobb (←listened with my ears)

After all of my non-fiction survival/adventure reads (I’m currently on my third in a row) I needed a little ear candy, and The Hunting Wives did not disappoint, except for the places where it definitely was disappointing. Listen, sometimes you have to suspend all disbelief for a book to work. (See: The Family Game.) This one was no different, in that (a) the “sexy” stuff was actually tremendously problematic (not illegal but HELLO) and (b) the protagonist kept making dumb decision after dumber decision, to a degree that I actually kind of hated her. Her lustful urges overpowered any semblance of executive function at every potential opportunity (bitch, are you a 14-year-old boy?) but that didn’t stop me from waving my hands in the air like I just did not care! I believe this is now a Netflix show, which I will not be watching because I can’t be this annoyed all over again, but the book was nothing but candy, and I did enjoy it far more than I hated it. Say it with me: BEACH READ!

Enjoy these awful women

📖 The Half-Hearted Queen (Shattered King, Book 2) Charlie N. Holmberg (←read with my eyes)

The Shattered King made the Marry section of my Best of 2025 book list. I gave it 7 stars out of 5, and pre-ordered the sequel the moment I finished it. Then I had to wait six months for the release—and it was worth the wait, mostly. First, to be fair, I dove into this between my second and third non-fiction adventure/survival book. It’s hard to go from parasitic infections in the Amazon and clubbing baby seals while stranded in the Antarctic to “a fantasy romance where a country healer and a cursed king have to save the kingdom using magic and love.” It was a record scratch. And though I didn’t notice any of this in the first book, I found myself rolling my eyes in the second with the exhausting “will we, won’t we” star-crossed lovers storyline. (They both need therapy.) BUT I loved it, and the second story delivered in a completely satisfying way, right up through the end. (And yes, it was the end—this is a duology, and I was impressed with how well it completed the series without feeling rushed.)

The Part 2 we've been waiting for

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First, if you aren’t embarrassed, it’s not embarrassing. I live by this credo. As such, I have taken potentially very embarrassing scenarios and decided not to be embarrassed by them.

• A beaded hair extension slid out of my hair and floated to the floor right in front of a man at the gym. He looked horrified, probably assuming I had radiation poisoning.

• That time I moved out of the way on a plane, not realizing there was a little step up to the seats, and fell ass over teakettle into the row. Like, I FELL fell, all the way to the ground, and he had to help me up because of how awkward a position I was in. (Luckily nobody was sitting there yet.)

• Just last week, I forgot the term “memory consolidation” in a podcast interview with a longevity expert. When the words wouldn’t come, I said, “you know—brain stuff.” (If you hear that podcast once it comes out, please laugh along with me.)

However, there are everyday actions I do find embarrassing, so I am very careful when I perform them. Objectively, there is nothing embarrassing about these things. Telling myself that does not help; I don’t make the rules.

1. Walking my dogs when a car is coming towards us

What if my dogs pull me towards the car? What if I trip walking? What if I drop the phone, coffee, or poop bag I am holding? Am I walking okay? (Like, in a straight line, with a normal gait, and good posture?) If a car comes up behind us, I do not care. This is only when the car it coming towards us. Once I dropped both pup cups in the street right in front of a man walking his dog towards us. This was not embarrassing, Had he been in a car, I would have been mortified.

2. Pulling into an automatic car wash

It’s positively diabolical to make me fit my left front tire into your tiny little track. If you really wanted me to nail this, you would have made the approach straight on. Instead, you force my SUV into the tightest possible corner, then immediately expect me to straighten out the wheel while fitting my tire into a guide that has very little clearance. I JUST KNOW the teenage attendant is judging me as he points his finger to the left or right. I pretend I can’t see him once I’m in neutral. I know he can see me.

3. Picking up my dog’s poop

Everybody’s dog poops. Everybody picks up their dog’s poop, because we are good citizens. But if I ever pass someone picking up their dog’s poop, I avert my eyes. It feels too intimate. I would appreciate the same courtesy, especially if I’m trying to balance a tray with an iced decaf and two pup cups while picking up said poop, and you’re in a car coming towards us. (We’ve established this.)

4. Reading a card while the person watches you read it

I don’t care if it’s three words, I would like to read this card in private. This is especially true if it’s a long handwritten message. My face cannot maintain a delighted expression for this long. What if I start to smile, but the message is more serious and I have to fix my face halfway through? I am going to start saying, “I will read this with my back to you, it’s more meaningful that way.” They will be too confused to argue. My son is the only exception, because he is the exception to basically everything.

5. Walking up stairs at the gym

My balance isn’t always great, especially when I’m tired or my concussion symptoms flare. Will holding the banister make me look elderly? Should I be walking up the stairs faster? We are at the gym. Maybe I should be jogging? I could also take them two at a time, because they’re not very tall. But that might look unnecessarily aggressive. Damn it, someone just beat me to the stairs. Now I need to walk very slowly because otherwise I’m looking at their butt. But is someone behind me? I’m definitely holding the banister.

6. Sneezing in public

I recognize sneezing is an involuntary physical reaction, but I will do whatever I can to hide it. If I can suppress it, I will, even if it looks like I’ve had a tiny seizure. Sometimes that doesn’t work, and then it comes out so strangely it draws even more attention, and nobody knows whether to say “bless you” or not. If I have to sneeze-sneeze, I’m horrified. I want to stand up and yell, “I’m NOT SICK someone’s perfume is just VERY INTENSE.” Thank god I’m not a multiple sneezer, I might not ever leave the house.

7. Someone stopping by without calling

Unless my home is immaculate (right down to the dog treat cabinet) and I am dressed for a keynote speaking event, please do not just “stop by.” This happens often, however, because my husband’s friends are always borrowing or returning camera equipment. I try to hide but he always says, “Babe, come meet Matt,” and then I have to accept the fact that his friend thinks I am a “before” in What Not to Wear and my house has been recently robbed, because why else would it look like this? The only upside is that when I see this friend again during a night out or an event, he is stunned by how attractive I actually am (by comparison). Maybe this one isn’t so bad.

8. Using the big shopping cart

I am just one person shopping, therefore I need the half-size cart. If I have a big cart, I’m certain it looks like overkill. Why is she planning to buy so much food? What kind of foods take up that much space? Not vegetables. Those are small. Is it toilet paper? Toilet paper is SO bulky. How much is this person sh*tting? Also, how am I going to fit this cart down the aisles with other big carts? There will have to be these awkward “I’m going to squeeze through,” then I can’t squeeze through, then our carts get stuck together. Smaller carts are like the Porsches of shopping carriages. And even if my small cart is piled to eye-level, it’s still holding less than a half-full big cart. We don’t need to test this theory.

9. Using a shopping cart with a bum wheel

I always test the carts, but sometimes the squeak, shake, or noise doesn’t show up right away. Everyone is looking at me. I can’t even pick the right cart. This was the worst at Target, because I’m already buying shit you know I don’t need. I want to apologize to everyone I pass, even though it’s the store’s responsibility to ensure their cart wheels are aligned and well-greased. This is why I like Trader Joe’s. The only cart is the kid-sized, which I am clearly too tall for (even though it’s the perfect size), so I use my reusable shopping totes to carry my purchases.

10. Jogging/running in normal clothes

I ran an errand not far from my house last week. I had to cross a very busy multi-lane road to get home. There is a crosswalk, but it was a block out of my way. I decided to wait for a break in traffic and walk. I saw the break, started to cross, then noticed another car had pulled into the street. I had to jog to make it safely. I was wearing jeans and sneakers, but I was carrying a purse. I would do anything to not run with a purse. If I’m jogging in street clothes, I want to look athletic. I am a runner. I want you, in the car, to know that jogging across this road feels effortless for me. You cannot be athletic with an oversized navy suede purse. I should have used the crosslight.

What am I missing?

Are there things not on my list that you find terribly embarrassing? Please share so we can either feel better that I’m comfortable with that, or add yet another thing to our own lists.

XO, MU

This is my weekly series for subscribers only, where I’ll share things that caught my eye this week in a fun and flirty way (kiss), a sustainable way (marry), or a not-so-good way (kill). And yes, this trendy game is technically “f***, marry, or kill” but we run a family-friendly-ish show around here.

Kiss (things I like right now)

📖 Endurance: Shackleton’s Incredible Voyage, Alfred Lansing (←read with my eyes)

This book was written in 1959, and is still considered the definitive account of Sir Ernest Shackleton’s ill-fated 1914 expedition to the Antarctic. I have never been so on the edge of my seat. Also, I would never have believed this tale was real, had I not read about Lansing’s meticulous research. (He interviewed many of the surviving crew members, and used their personal diaries to piece together the full account.)

In 1914, Shackleton (an accomplished Antarctic explorer) led a party of 28 men, with a goal of being the first to cross the content of Antarctica. Their ship became stuck in ice floes (and eventually crushed) in the Weddell Sea—about 300 miles off the coast of Antartica, and described as “the most treacherous and dismal region on Earth.”

The book spans the next two years (!) as Shackleton and his men desperately try to survive in the most inhospitable environment you could imagine. I won’t share more, because I need you to read this book for yourself.

I have read some unbelievable tales of adventure and survival: Into Thin Air and Unbroken are two of my favorites. But Endurance tops them all (or at the very least, ties with Krakauer). This has sent me on a trek for more non-fiction historical adventure books; I’ve got at least three in my TBR pile as we speak. (Also, my fiction audiobook is vibing with my non-fiction read again this week! Standby for that review.)

READ THIS I ORDER YOU

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This is the very first recipe I’ve ever shared in my newsletter, and I chose carefully. Kat Ashmore is a dear friend, a force in health and wellness, and a talented home chef. Kat is famous for her “Hungry Lady Salads,” and with this recipe, she proves that a hearty, delicious salad doesn’t need lettuce.

This Spicy Nut Butter-Noodle Salad is one of my favorite recipes from her newest cookbook, BIG BITES: TIME TO EAT! It’s gluten-free, dairy-free, and can easily be made soy-free, grain-free, and free from added sugar. I’ve included Whole30 modifications below, too.

Let me know whether you want more recipes in the comments! I have so many talented friends, and I’d love to share their favorite meals with you here.

Spicy Nut Butter-Noodle Salad

from BIG BITES: TIME TO EAT! by Kat Ashmore

Here are spicy, luscious, slurpable takeout-style noodles you can make at home, and preferably eat them on your lap while watching a Netflix movie. The cucumber and roasted nuts are added here for crunch and freshness (which also means it qualifies as a salad, right?).

I use a mandoline to get paper-thin slices of cucumber, but feel free to use a sharp knife. Do slice the cucumber into rounds rather than dice it, so the cucumber can be picked up along with the noodles for each bite; that works better than watching the diced cucumber sink to the bottom of the bowl.

Makes 6 servings • Cook time: 4-10 minutes

SPICY DRESSING

• 2 tablespoons toasted sesame oil

• ¼ cup smooth almond or peanut butter

• ¼ cup soy sauce

• 2 tablespoons rice wine vinegar

• Zest and juice of 1 lime

• 1 tablespoon honey

• 2 to 3 teaspoons sriracha (or chile-garlic paste)

• 1 garlic clove, grated

NOODLE SALAD

• 1 pound dried rice noodles (with spaghetti thickness)

• 1 medium English cucumber, very thinly sliced on a mandoline

• 2 large carrots, grated

• 2 scallions (white and green parts), thinly sliced

• ¼ cup chopped roasted cashews

• Kosher salt

To make the dressing: In a large bowl, combine the toasted sesame oil, almond butter, soy sauce, rice wine vinegar, lime zest and juice, honey, sriracha, and garlic. Whisk until smooth and well combined. Set aside.

To make the salad: Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil over high heat. Cook the noodles according to package instructions (mine are usually 4 minutes). Drain and rinse under cold water, shaking off any excess.

Transfer the noodles to the bowl with the dressing. Toss the noodles immediately with the dressing to prevent them from sticking to each other. Then add the cucumber, carrots, scallions, and cashews, and toss to combine once more. Season with salt to taste and serve.

Buy BIG BITES: TIME TO EAT!

MU’s notes

Here are my tips for making this salad:

• A mandoline gets your cucumber slices uniformly slim. Here’s the one I have. It’s adjustable in terms of the thickness of your chop, and it has built-in safety features so you don’t shred your knuckles.

• If you need to make this nut-free, you can use sunflower seed butter in the dressing and sub sunflower seeds for the cashews.

• I add protein to this salad to make a complete meal. I love it with shrimp, shredded or chopped chicken, or ground turkey. Cook your protein separately (or buy it pre-cooked), then mix it with the veggies before you dress with the sauce so it all gets coated in that nutty goodness.

• If you wanted to add even more veggies, you could use julienned red bell pepper, mung bean sprouts, sugar snap or snow peas (cut on the bias), or shredded red cabbage.

• Double the sauce, trust. You may want more if you’re adding protein, but it also makes a delicious dip for raw veggies. Store extra dressing in an air-tight container in the fridge for 7-10 days.

Whole30 modifications

It’s easy to make this delicious noodle salad Whole30-compatible! Here are the substitutions or omissions you’d make during elimination:

• Use unsweetened almond butter in the dressing

• Use coconut aminos in place of soy sauce in the dressing

• Omit the honey in the dressing

• Ensure your sriracha or chile-garlic paste (in the dressing) is Whole30-compatible

• Use veggie noodles (zucchini, butternut squash, spaghetti squash, sweet potato) in place of rice noodles

If you wanted to use this recipe for your Whole30 reintroduction, here’s what you could add back in, keeping the other Whole30 modifications from above:

• Use sweetened almond sunflower seed butter and honey for Added Sugar day

• Use unsweetened peanut butter and soy sauce for Legume day (you could even add pan-fried tofu, steamed edamame, or roasted chickpeas)

• Use rice noodles for Non-Gluten Grain day

• Use whole wheat pasta for Gluten Grain day

Excerpted from BIG BITES: TIME TO EAT! By Kat Ashmore. Copyright © 2026 by Kat Ashmore. Used by permission of Rodale Books, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York. All Right reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

This is my weekly series for subscribers only, where I’ll share things that caught my eye this week in a fun and flirty way (kiss), a sustainable way (marry), or a not-so-good way (kill). And yes, this trendy game is technically “f***, marry, or kill” but we run a family-friendly-ish show around here.

Kiss (things I like right now)

📖 The Wondrous Life and Loves of Nella Carter, Brionni Nwosu (←read with my eyes)

UGH I LOVED THIS ONE SO MUCH. Nella was born enslaved in the 1700s, but during a near-death moment, is offered the chance to continue living… forever. The catch is, she has to prove to Death himself that humans are inherently good, and there is enough true beauty in the world to save them all. Thus unravels a tale across centuries, cultures, and literal lifetimes. Nella discovers the joy and pain of loving and losing over and over again, as she and Death become more entwined. (The evolution of Death as a human-like character spools out brilliantly.)

This one has the same vibes as A Short Walk Through a Wide World and especially The Invisible Life of Addie Larue, two of my favorite books of all time. This tale, however, is unique in that it creates, “a world of magical realism that incorporates an African-American historical perspective.” (I am always looking to diversify my bookshelf.) I cannot believe this is a debut novel??? To call it “lyrical” is under-selling it—this story, and Nella herself, are downright magical.

I don’t want to give too much away, but of course in the end, it all comes down to love. Will Nella ever keep hold of the love she so deeply craves, or will Death’s pessimism destroy them all?

See it on Amazon

😴 Lost Range CBD + CBN sleep gummies

During the period when Henry and Brandon were snoring (and before I discovered Ozlo Sleepbuds), I was trying everything to help me sleep better. I’m not convinced long-term melatonin use is safe or healthy, even if I’m generally in good health. (Plus, the dose of melatonin gummies is often way higher than you really need.) I was already taking magnesium in the evening. So I turned to the world of CBD sleep gummies.

I’ve messed with CBD here and there, but sometimes it leaves me agitated. (Nobody can explain it, but I’ve repeated the experience enough to know it’s true.) However, many brands of sleep gummies now contain small amounts of CBN (cannabinol, a mildly psychoactive compound with potential sleep aid/sedative effects), and tiny doses of hemp-derived THC (the psychoactive component of cannabis that gets you high).

Obviously, as someone in recovery, I am deeply averse to using THC. However, these gummies contain less than 0.3% active THC by weight, which is federally legally per the 2018 Farm Bill. (Note, some states vary in terms of THC allowance, so please check your state’s regulations.) It’s also such a tiny amount that one gummy should not give you any psychoactive effects—but can help you relax and fall asleep.

I tried three different brands over the course of a few months, with varied success:

Feals Sleep Gummies: Contains CBD, CBN, and 1.5 mg THC. I tried these for about two weeks, with one major issue—they varied tremendously in terms of how I felt. I’d take 1 gummy, and sometimes not notice anything at all. But one night, 1 gummy sent me over the moon. (Like, I felt high.) I am wicked sensitive to THC, so this may not be a normal experience, but I hated it. After that experience, I abandoned them.

Sunday Scaries: Contains CBD, CBN, 2.5 mg THC, and other relaxing ingredients like L-theanine, magnesium, and melatonin (just 1 mg). However, I didn’t want melatonin, so that was a negative for me. Also, my first bottle arrived and all the gummies were clumped together in one messy brick. Apparently, they’re very heat sensitive, and in a plastic bottle, they melted before I even opened the bottle. They were cool about it and sent me a new bottle, but the texture was still a pain, and they didn’t do anything for me.

Lost Range: Contains CBD, CBN, 1.45 mg THC. This dosage was about the same as Feals, but never once did I have an inconsistent experience in terms of effect. I started taking 1/2 a gummy to be safe, then went up to a full gummy about a half-hour before bed. I slept better! They really do relax me. They have no negative effects whatsoever, they don’t make me feel weird, and I love that the ingredients are clear and simple. I’ve had these on subscription for three months now, and highly recommend you start here.

While the Ozlo were the real MVP in terms of my sleep quality, I’ve kept Lost Range in my repertoire because I really do notice when I forget to take them. Plus, the company is Colorado-based, I’ve known them for years, and they’re really good people. (I love giving money to small businesses run by people who share my values.)

Use the code WHOLE30 and save 30% on your Lost Range CBD purchase.

Note: Lost Range is a Whole30 Approved partner for many of their CBD products. (Gummies don’t fit, as they contain added sugar.) However, I have bought every bag with my own money, and this article is not sponsored. In fact, they didn’t even know I was writing it before I sent it to them for an accuracy review. (Hi, Matt and Given!) For a deep dive into CBD, CBN, CBG, and THG, see this comprehensive FAQ.

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Dear MU,

Having sex when my mental health is off is a real challenge; at that point, sex is the last thing I’m craving. (Honestly, sometimes sex can be a challenge even when my mental health is good!) I’m curious if the drive comes naturally to you during these times? If not, do you have to tackle it like the gym, or give yourself a pep talk that this is a good thing to check off your wellness list? — Not in the mood

In Part 1 of this 2-part series, I talked about the difference between desire and arousal, the two different Desire Types, and the five different Arousal Types. I also gave you some homework to help you learn what makes you feel sexy, gets you in the mood, and helps you feel aroused. (If you haven’t read that yet, please go back—you’ll need it for this part.)

Today, I’ll share more about the Responsive desire type, and how you can take matters into your own hands (sometimes literally) to help you “prime the pump” for sex with your partner.

Review: desire vs. arousal

Sexual desire: Also known as libido; having an interest in engaging in sexual activity. A mental process; how often you think about or want sex.

Sexual arousal: How excited or turned on you get when you anticipate sex or engage in it. A physical process, as evidenced by the changes that occur in your body and genitals.

Review: Arousal Type

According to Petra Zebroff, PhD:

Sensualist: You’re into erotic touch, sight, smell, sound, and taste. Making out, your partner’s touch, a musky candle, a sexy song, dirty talk, flavored massage oil, or the feel of silky sheets all turn you on.

Behavioralist: You have specific tastes and know what you like, and it often requires imagination and thinking about the act of sex. You may be into sex toys, porn, spicy books, erotic podcasts, role playing, and trying new things in the bedroom.

Intimate: You need to feel close to your partner—a deep emotional connection is what really turns you on. Long conversations, undivided attention, and sharing vulnerably gets you in the mood to connect physically too.

Attractor: You get turned on when you’re turning your partner on, and you like to feel pursued. You’re into sexy lingerie, a little teasing, taking the lead, making them wait—the more excited they get, the more aroused you get.

Equalist: You might be a mix of all four! Maybe different moods call for different forms of stimulation, or you just like exploring all aspects of sensuality.

Also note that different sex educators categorize arousal types differently. For example, Doctor of Human Sexuality Emily Morse adds an “Adventure” type to her list. The more time you spend on what actually turns you on, the easier it will be to translate that knowledge into action.

You might want to open a private internet browser for this next part.

Clear is kind

If you’re a Responsive desire type, remember, you’ll have to get into the act before you can really get into the act. Asking your partner for more foreplay, kissing, touching, and romance (whatever that looks like for you)—and being specific—is the first step in syncing up rhythms. In relaxed moments outside of the bedroom, continue the conversation you started a few weeks ago. Tell them the things they do that really get you in the mood. Tell them the things you do that really get you in the mood.

Everyday activities like a long hug from behind, an appreciative compliment spoken softly into your ear, a longer-than-usual goodbye kiss, or close-to-rated-R snuggle session on the couch can definitely put sex on your radar, but the key is taking the pressure of sex out of the equation in the moment. If every time your spouse grabs your butt, it only means “I want sex now,” it can quickly pump the brakes on your arousal.

You may need to say this out loud. “When you kiss me like that, it’s a super turn-on. Can you do that more outside of sex? Like on a random Tuesday when we’re just passing by in the kitchen?” Those moments add up, and after a few days of conscientiousness, sex may feel easier to initiate.

Bonus: See if they’re up for the experiment of a week-long sex moratorium, with the intention of doing anything and everything but. This can mean anything you want, from “all clothes stay on” to “everything but penetration.” Trust me when I tell you this can be a GAME-CHANGER, ahem.

If your arousal type is Intimate or Attractor, explain what that means, and use examples of experiences you’ve had together that really worked for you. Because of the way our society portrays “arousal,” they’ll likely immediately get it if you said, “I need more kissing/rubbing/fingering,” but you may have to explain that long, deep conversations; emotionally charged conversations; adrenaline-fueled activities; or watching them get turned on turns you on.

Frame these conversations as, “I’d like to have more sex, and I think you would too. These are the things I’m actively learning and pursuing to make that happen.” It’s sexy when your partner takes responsibility for their own needs, feelings, and pleasure! Perhaps you’ll inspire your partner to do the same kind of “research,” or at the very least, keep talking with you about it.

Prime your own pump

There are certainly things my husband does that get me in the mood, but I often start the process myself, because then I get to choose my own adventure. I’m a Behaviorist, so I find it highly effective to use my own imagination, toys, or smutty books or videos to get things started, then jump my Spontaneous desire husband when my engine is already revved. (Then, anything he adds to the mix with touch, talk, or his desire is just icing.

Here’s a long but not at all comprehensive list for all of the Arousal types:

Keep a stash of smutty books on your Kindle • Flip through a graphic comic book • Don your headphones for a spicy podcast while you meal prep or commute home • Watch a sexy movie • Discover some categories of porn that really do it for you—without judgment. (Research says that 97% of fantasies fall into the same broad categories: multipartner sex; rough sex; novelty and adventure; voyeurism and fetishes; non-monogamous sex; deeper emotional connection; and gender fluidity. If any of this rocks your boat, that’s totally normal.) • Or start with ethical porn, where everything is consensual, diversity is celebrated, women are treated respectfully, and the pleasure is real.

Buy some sexy lingerie, satin sheets, a delicious-smelling lotion or body oil, or a luxurious foaming bubble bath. • Put on a sexy playlist (I made one called “Let’s Make Out” on Spotify.) • Take a sensual dance class. • Sext with your spouse (consensually) while they’re grocery shopping or at work. • Leave a sexy note in their work bag • Fantasize or reminisce about sexy experiences. • Start experimenting with different sex toys. (I have a stash—maybe another article?) • Masturbate—even if you’re not totally in the mood, because it’ll get you in the mood.

All of these work especially well if you’ve got a sex plan on the horizon. Our “code” is, “Hey, can we have sex...” Not very code-ish, but it lets me know it’s on his mind, then I’m thinking, “How/where/when can I get in the mood?”

Also, do a little groundwork. If your bedroom is cluttered and messy, that might not feel sexy. If you’ve been silently seething about that thing he forgot to do, clear the air. If the dog is maintaining full eye contact, put him outside. If you’re always too busy, block it on the calendar. For real.

Bonus: Schedule a recurring sex date. I know, it sounds "corporate,” but sex educators say making time for something you both want sends a strong message to your partner, and blocking out 60 full minutes on your calendar to do nothing but spend time together naked gives you aaaall the time in the world to get responsive.

Let’s talk about sex

One of the things I’ve found in my own life is that the more I talk about sex, read about sex, learn more about my body and sex, figure out what I like sexually, and share these conversations and learnings with my husband, the more I want to have sex—the hot kind, not the obligatory kind—and the better the sex is.

What has this series sparked for you? What do you want to talk more about? Share any and all thoughts in the comments, because this is a judgment-free zone and somebody out there must want to know more about butt plugs.

Leave a comment

This is my weekly series for subscribers only, where I’ll share things that caught my eye this week in a fun and flirty way (kiss), a sustainable way (marry), or a not-so-good way (kill). And yes, this trendy game is technically “f***, marry, or kill” but we run a family-friendly-ish show around here.

*Sorry for the sleep teaser I shared in the email subject line! That’s coming up soon I promise ❤️

Kiss (things I like right now)

🎧 The Family Game, Catherine Steadman (←listened with my ears)

What a delightful thriller!!! Can you sort of kind of guess where it’s going? Probably. Did that diminish the adventure? Not one bit. This was one of those, “How would I handle this?” stories. (I’m very brave sitting safely at home, let me tell you.) Truth is, I’d probably have done exactly what the protagonist did, although probably not as cleverly. The plot was unique, elements of books and authorship are always a draw for me, and this family is both uber-rich and UNHINGED... I like it!

A few things: The author narrates her own books, which (again) is usually a red flag, but her narration and crisp British accent are impeccable. Also, I came to this book from another one of hers, Something in the Water. This one was also very good, but you have to overlook all of the tremendously stupid things the protagonist does. Like, I was screaming at the book, “DO NOT (do that thing) because EVERYONE KNOWS (this is what happens).” However, the story was good enough that I let it slide, and maybe there are one or two people who do not know these things?

I had no such feelings about The Family Game, however, which is why that’s the one I’m sharing here. And I have another one of hers in my Libby queue, because she’s two for two, and I love a good audio thriller snack when my paper book is meaty.

Preview it on Audible

5️⃣ 5 Healthyish Things

I’ve been friends with Derek Flanzraich for a decade. We spoke on a panel together at SXSW in 2018. He founded Greatist, where I was named #19 in their Most Influential People in Health and Fitness list. (He sold Greatist to Healthline in 2019.) He also founded Ness, the credit card that gave you points for healthy spending. (I miss that card!) Basically, he’s a legacy force in health and wellness, and a wildly successful serial entrepreneur.

His newsletter, 5HT (5 Healthyish Things) is one of the few I read top to bottom, every single issue—and I reply back to at least half of them. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we do not, but what I love the most about Derek is we always have spirited discussions where we both end up learning something. He knows so much about cutting-edge supplements, technology, longevity research, entrepreneurship, and a bazillion other things… and I am his Boundary Phone-a-Friend.

So when he reached out last month and proposed a residency for the month of March, I was like, SAY LESS. Starting next Thursday, I’ll be answering one boundary question a week for his subscribers, and you can read my responses (and get all of his newsletter goodness) at the same time.

Subscribe to 5HT here, and look for my first boundary column next week! Also, read the counterpoint to last week’s AI Health Data Privacy in this week’s issue. (As a person with a uterus, I replied back to him making these same points. I love that he took that collective feedback and shared it with everyone.)

See you at 5HT next week—and let me know if you nailed the answer to my first boundary question. (I suspect some of you might, but a boundary refresher is always helpful.) And as always, if YOU have a boundary question, send it to me at hello@melissau.com. I read every single one of your emails.

Subscribe to 5HT

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I’m a founder and a woman, so it’s no coincidence that the Whole30 team has historically been driven by women. We’ve also partners with dozens of woman-founded and run Whole30 Approved brands since our partner program first launched in 2011.

Today, we’ve rounded up some of the women leading our Whole30 Approved partner brands to share their best piece of wisdom with you. There is something here for founders, women in male-dominated fields, women building their careers, or women entering the job market. (And if you’re a man, you’d benefit too!)

Q: What is one piece of advice or guidance you would give to women in business?

Madeline Haydon, founder of nutpods

My professional network is one of my most valuable assets. I’m not talking about random connections via LinkedIn; I’m talking about cultivating and building a network to help you learn, grow, be curious, and be inspired. While AI can serve up information, it cannot open relationship doors for you. A network allows access to people, internships, information, and interviews. And along the way, you’ll find some of your network connections becoming friends, advisors, or colleagues. As James Bond reminds us in Skyfall, “Sometimes the old ways are the best ways.”

My professional network is one of my most valuable assets. AI cannot open relationship doors for you.

Floritza Gomez, founder of Floritza’s Flavor

Break the barrier before you’re invited through it. Too many women wait to be chosen, funded, approved, or validated. I haven’t had perfect conditions, capital, or guarantees. But I had a vision, discipline, and conviction. That’s what builds my company. You don’t need permission to build something powerful. You need persistence, courage, and the willingness to keep going when it’s uncomfortable. The women who change industries are not the most resourced. They’re the most relentless.

Amylu Kurzawski, founder of Amylu

I began my career in the meat industry in 1975. It was primarily a male-dominated industry. Fortunately I had a strong role model—my grandmother “Tillie.” She was the backbone of our family sausage business, and instilled the values I have followed throughout my career:

• Take one day at a time, and reflect on what you can do better the next day

• Set your standards high, keep raising the bar, and learn something new every day

• Take ownership

• Surround yourself with good people, and shut out the negative noise

• Acknowledge what you do not know, and admit your mistakes

Thirty-one years ago, I launched Amylu Chicken Sausage. It seems like yesterday! I was fortunate to take the advice from a dear friend and mentor, whose words of wisdom still ring true for me: “Even if you are not the first, remember to be the BEST in everything you do.”

Kerry Song, founder and CEO of Abbot’s

You don’t have to harden to succeed. Some of the most powerful leadership traits I’ve developed came from staying soft, intuitive, and deeply human. Empathy, discernment, and the ability to truly listen are not weaknesses in business, they’re strategic advantages. You can be decisive and kind, ambitious and grounded, all at the same time.

Riyana Rupani, founder of Everiday Foods

The advice I wish someone had given me is this: Stop waiting until you feel ready, because you probably won’t. Confidence doesn’t come before the leap. It comes from taking it. Start before you have all the answers. Ask for help without apology. Build something that actually reflects who you are instead of what you think it should look like. The world doesn’t need another version of what already exists. It needs you.

Alex Snodgrass, founder of SideDish

You don’t have to do everything on your own to prove you’re capable. Ask for help. Hire help when you can. Surround yourself with people who are smarter than you in their lanes. Collaboration isn’t a shortcut—it’s actually one of your greatest strengths.

Gabriela Salazar, founder of Saucy Lips

Start before you feel ready. When I created Saucy Lips, it didn’t begin in stores. It began at a farmer’s market with a simple table and a big vision. I didn’t know exactly how I was going to grow it. I didn’t have every answer. But I could see it—my products on shelves, reaching people, becoming something bigger. And that vision was enough to take the first step.

You don’t need the perfect plan. You don’t need every detail figured out. If you wait until everything feels ready, you may never begin. Start small. Figure it out as you go. Believe your ideas are worthy. Jump on the opportunity. I’m still building toward the full vision I have for this brand, but I’m further along today because I chose to start.

Mayra Luz Colón, founder of Healthy Rican

Often, we listen to everyone except ourselves. While people may have good intentions, sometimes the advice comes from a place of fear or past personal experience. However, that is their own experience, their journey. Each of us has a unique path, shaped by our interests, experiences, and the things we love to do. When I started my business, I had fears and uncertainty. But I chose to follow my heart and do what felt right and aligned with me. I learned to walk in faith, and never look back.

Jaime Foster, founder and CEO of Georgia Grinder

When I started Georgia Grinders, I learned by doing, asking questions, making mistakes, and sitting at tables where I was often the only woman in the room. The key wasn’t knowing everything; it was deciding I belonged there.

Advocate for yourself early. Negotiate. Ask for feedback. Seek mentors. Confidence isn’t something you wait to feel, it’s something you build through action and community. Don’t wait until you’re perfectly prepared to raise your hand, ask for more, or start the thing. You belong in the room, and the sooner you decide that for yourself, the faster everything changes.

Melissa Urban, founder and CEO of Whole30

I’ve worked with some of the biggest brands in health, wellness, and retail. Brands valued at billions of dollars. You know what I’ve learned? Nobody has their shit fully together. Nobody has it all figured out. Nobody knows what they are doing 24/7. Any time I’m feeling insecure or uncertain of my talents or experience, I remind myself that somewhere at Whole Foods there’s a man in the C-suite who just f***ed up and isn’t sure what to do next. It’s not, “Fake it until you make it,” it’s, “Who you are right now is more than qualified to do what you want to do.”

It’s International Women’s Day every day around here

I’m always thrilled to celebrate the fierce women leading the way in health and fitness. Do you want to shout out a female founder making a difference? Share in comments!

XO, MU

This is my weekly series for subscribers only, where I’ll share things that caught my eye this week in a fun and flirty way (kiss), a sustainable way (marry), or a not-so-good way (kill). And yes, this trendy game is technically “f***, marry, or kill” but we run a family-friendly-ish show around here.

Kiss (things I like right now)

📚 The People’s Library, Veronica G. Henry (←read with my eyes)

I can’t remember where I first saw this book, but I love books about books, so it seemed a natural choice. This one was so inventive. It explored where AI could be headed, the conflict many of us feel about the technology, and what counts as “real?” In a highly integrated world of AI, a librarian named Echo moves to The People’s Library, where “readers” can check out virtual people to have a conversation. You can talk with Mozart, Anne Frank, Copernicus, or Madame Curie! How exciting! But powerful men have much bigger plans for the Library, and Echo is caught in the middle. I found the premise fascinating, the characters so richly developed, and the moral and ethical dilemmas presented incredibly relatable. It’s scary to think we’re not that far off, and even more unsettling that I was asking myself… what would I have done?

See it on Amazon

🎧 Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine, Gail Honeyman (←listened with my ears)

This is an older book (2017), and I thought I’d read it. When it came up on Libby, I realized I had not, and borrowed it on audiobook. I wasn’t sure if I’d stick with it, as the first hour was a little… unexciting? And odd? But I’m SO glad I did. Eleanor is an unusual and particular woman who struggles with social cues, empathy, and tact. I found her abrasive and annoying at the start—then one small event completely changes the trajectory of her life. As we get to know Eleanor better, I found her nothing short of endearing—and realized there is so much more to her story. The author unfolds her story so beautifully and with such care. I like books that hurt a little, and Eleanor Oliphant does so in a most tender manner. She is now one of my favorite characters of all time (seriously), and I will recommend this book to anyone who needs a heartwarming story right now. (Which is all of us, right?)

ALSO, when I was in the middle of both of these books, I thought it interesting that both protagonists were portrayed as standoffish, cold, and tactless in the real world, while the reader is allowed to see their vulnerabilities, doubts, and fears. Then I realized that The People’s Library also features a character with the last name Oliphant! (It’s not a common last name.) It felt like a nudge from the universe that my instincts on the link between these two was spot-on.

Also you MUST get this in audio format. It’s one of the best narrations I’ve heard.

It's worth the Audible credit

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I love a good full-circle moment.

I’ve been building Whole30 since 2009. Over the last 17 years, we’ve grown an enormous, fiercely loyal community, and helped Whole30 Approved partner brands like Primal Kitchen, nutpods, Waterloo, and Chomps become household names.

I’ve done a lot through Whole30, but I’ve also been thinking about what’s next for me. Around the holidays, I told my husband, “I want to do something on my own, not through Whole30. I want to find a way to help other founders have the same kind of impact that we’ve had.”

This is when the universe said, “Hold my LaCroix.”

From 2016 → 2026

Nick Gradinger and I met in 2016, when he founded Vessel Kitchen and reached out to talk about their menu. They opened their first restaurant as a Whole30 Approved partner, and Nick went on to scale the business to ten locations, including one in the SLC airport. We’ve been friends and colleagues ever since.

When Nick called a few months ago asking if I’d be an advisor for Pave Health Ventures, his new VC fund, it was like a shove from the universe. I remember saying to my husband, “You know how I’ve been wanting to build on my own work, outside of Whole30? I just got the perfect opportunity—with Nick, no less.”

The most important ingredient

Pave Health Ventures invests early in founders building long-term health solutions for their communities. Their mission is to support better health across every stage of life. They back companies that treat health as a continuous journey and meet people where they are.

For me, this is personal. My life’s work has been empowering people to change their own lives—and to do that, you need trust. Too often, I’ve watched people fall prey to hype cycles, misinformation, and false promises. Through my work at Pave, I can help shape what gets funded, identify founders who deserve your attention, and help move health and wellness in the right direction.

After a month of conversations about expectations, time commitment, and goals, I said yes. Today, I’m proud to announce my role as Advisor in Nutrition, Lifestyle, and Health at Pave Health Ventures.

Learn more about Pave

But what does an advisor do, specifically? Y’all love to peek inside my job, so here’s what this advisory role means for my day-to-day.

Rabbit holes and crystal balls

Pave isn’t my first advisory role. I’m currently an advisor for a few established CPG (Consumer Packaged Goods) brands, and I’ve been involved with VC (venture capital) in one capacity or another for the better part of a decade. Here’s what my role has already entailed, and what I’ll be doing in the future:

Evaluate and report on consumer trends

Through my work at Whole30, I’m at the intersection of food innovation, health trends, and consumer behavior. I’m good at spotting trends before they blow up, often reading between the lines based on what I’m seeing from my community. I see just as much pseudo-science as I do credible scientific research, and through my connections, can help Pave differentiate between the two. In my advisory role, I’ll guide Pave towards science-backed trends with real staying power, and away from those which are not well supported or destined to flame out.

How this looks: We’ve already had a long conversation about GLP-1s, the impact on consumers’ food choices and buying habits, and where I think CPG is going in response. This can help Pave view potential CPG partners through this lens. GLP-1s aren’t going anywhere, and though large brands are trying to evolve, they’re doing it slowly, and often inadequately. There is a real opportunity for smaller brands to capture a much bigger market share here.

Evaluate brands and products

Pave has already sent me brands of interest and asked for my input. First, I’ll research the brand, founders—their story, their mission, and the science behind it (where applicable). I’ll review their social presence and community to see what their customers are saying, and how the brand responds.

I’ll look at the brand or product as part of the larger health, food, or wellness landscape. Who else is in their category? What risks are present in the category? What opportunities exist? Where could this product and brand go in the future? What are the persuasive marketing angles, and what are they missing?

I’ll also reach out to knowledgeable contacts in my network to get their thoughts on the product formulation, ingredients, or current research. Ideally, I’ll also test the product for myself.

How this looks: Last week I evaluated a new “functional” product. (I can’t say which, though!) I was able to provide Pave with feedback on the product itself, the competitive space, consumer and expert sentiments around this category, areas of opportunity, and the specific ways this brand could potentially rise above the noise. I also tapped a food scientist at another company to advise me on one of this brand’s key functional ingredients, and passed that knowledge along to Pave.

Scout brands and products

Through Whole30, I see a lot of new brands and products. Some aren’t yet on the market, some are just launching, and others are looking to innovate or grow. I’ll be evaluating these brands through both a Whole30 lens and a Pave Health lens going forward. Are their products a fit for the Whole30 community? Are they a fit for Pave? I’ll reach out to founders to learn more, and preview my finds with the team at Pave. Ideally, I’d like to find at least one brand that is a great fit for Whole30 and Pave. If I can both invest in a brand and have a hand in their success, that is a huge win-win-win for all of us.

How this looks: I’ll be at Expo West in Anaheim in two weeks. Expo West is the world’s largest trade show for the natural, organic, and healthy products industry. Though it features home, personal care, and supplements, I’m there for the food and drink. This is a prime opportunity to network, scout new brands and products, and spot trends. (Fun fact, I first shared about a new brand called Siete at Expo West, back when they were selling their almond flour tortillas locally in Austin!)

Advise current Pave brands

I’ll also be a resource for Pave’s portfolio companies. I’ll use my experience and connections to offer guidance on everything from new product innovation to marketing, community building, establishing a competitive advantage, and navigating challenges. My goal is to help Pave’s investment brands grow and succeed in a sustainable way, so they can have a lasting positive impact. (I haven’t done this yet, as my advisor role is new, but I’m looking forward to it!)

A day in the life

I’ve been on board for a few months now. Here is the first phase of one specific CPG product they wanted to get on my radar.

• Texts from Nick: “Can I send you this product? Want your input.”

• An hour-plus down the research rabbit hole.

• A week of testing this product for myself.

• An email to a food scientist in my network: “I’ve seen the research on this ingredient, but how much is too much?”

• A quick gaze into my crystal ball. (Sadly, this does not exist, but I am thinking about what I’m seeing now, and what I think we’ll see next.)

• A Google doc for Pave, with my detailed review, research, links, and recommendations for next steps.

To be clear, I’m not running the fund. I’m not making final investment decisions. I’m not sitting in a boardroom giving speeches. I’m doing what I’ve always done: connecting with people, discerning what’s real and what’s noise, and finding people who are building a brand worth trusting.

Let’s talk at Expo West

If you’ll be in Anaheim in early March for Expo West (or know a brand who is) and want to talk more about Pave Health Ventures, drop a comment or send me a DM on Instagram! This year, I’ll be scouting the show through both a Whole30 and Pave Health lens.

If you want to hear more about what an advisor does, how it works, or how this fits into my work at Whole30, you can ask those questions too. I’m always happy to share more behind-the-scenes of my day-to-day. Learn more about Pave Health Ventures here.

If you care about where the future of health and wellness is headed, Pave is a fund worth paying attention to. I’m really proud of this role, and I can’t wait to share what I’m seeing.

XO, MU

This is my weekly series for subscribers only, where I’ll share things that caught my eye this week in a fun and flirty way (kiss), a sustainable way (marry), or a not-so-good way (kill). And yes, this trendy game is technically “f***, marry, or kill” but we run a family-friendly-ish show around here.

Kiss (things I like right now)

📚 So Very Lucky, Caitlin Devlin (←Kindle First Reads)

First Reads are always a crapshoot. There aren’t usually many (or any) reviews, so you’re just going on the description and vibes. This one sounded very Daisy Jones in a candy-pop way. A T-Swift-level famous pop star has an accident during a concert. Her fans fear the worst, but she pops up a few days later on social media—bruised, shaken, but otherwise optimistic.

Her ex-girlfriend, Stevie, has been haunted by their relationship since they broke up a decade ago. She’s never gotten over their young love, and watching Calista skyrocket to fame from a distance leaves her depressed and more than a little obsessed. So when Calista reaches out to reconnect post-accident, Stevie blows her whole life up to rush to her side. (I won’t say more, because IMO the the official synopsis says too much. Trust me, just jump in.)

Stevie is painted far more deeply than I expected. All the characters are, in fact, thanks to a combination of diary entries, reflections, and nicely done show-don’t-tell scenes. Stevie is, in a word, a mess. Are you sympathetic? Sometimes. Are you disturbed? Often. But might you make the same choices, to reclaim a love imprinted as strongly as theirs was? This is what makes this book so good. Because you might. I might. It might even be easy, and if that makes you pause, it really should, and that’s what makes you think about a book long after you’ve turned the last page.

It's $1.99 on Amazon

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In my first new job after rehab, I was an assistant in a small office. The business was in a niche corner of lending for specific types of commercial real estate.

This small capital company was owned and run by a husband/wife team, and only had two or three other people on staff (including me). My job was to handle incoming calls, manage prospective and current customer files, produce correspondence, and file deal paperwork.

I liked the job and the people I worked with. After a few months, I was “promoted” to assist the Vice President in charge of closing the deals (loans). In this role, I’d research post office locations, gather necessary information from the clients, and keep them apprised of their loan process.

Everything was going well until one day, the VP asked me to brush off a client. For some reason, my boss hadn’t yet “locked” the loan, but the customer assumed we had. The VP asked me to tell the client it wasn’t yet done for specific reasons (that may or may not have been true—I wasn’t well-versed enough in the process to know).

When someone is buying real estate, the lender can lock the interest rate for a specific period of time (often 30, 45, or 60 days). A rate lock says, “No matter what happens to interest rates between now and closing, this is your rate.”

Until the rate is locked, the interest rate can go up or down—and it does, sometimes multiple times a day based on the broader financial markets. Small changes can have a big impact over a 15–30 year loan. A 0.5% increase in interest rate can mean hundreds more per month and tens of thousands more over the life of the loan.

TL;DR locking the rate was an important step in the lending process, and timing really matters.

I did communicate this to the client, and of course he was disappointed, and concerned that rates would go up. I reassured him we were working as fast as we could, which seemed to mollify him. I didn’t like having to relay this news, but hey, stuff happens. I was glad I could reassure him.

The escalation to icky

This began happening more often. It seemed like my boss had a strategy that didn’t always line up with what the client wanted to do. But, I figured, we had the experience here. We knew how these loans and the market worked. I assumed we were holding the line because that was best for the deal, and therefore the customer.

Until one day, when my boss asked me to flat-out lie to a client. This time, from what I had gathered, the VP was delaying the lock deliberately, assuming the rates would tick up the next day based on market conditions and predictions. My boss wanted to wait, because a slightly higher interest rate meant more money for the lender. (That was us.)

I did it. I lied to this customer, who trusted us to handle their business with competence and integrity. The person asking was my boss, and I needed this job. I wasn’t long out of rehab, I had tons of credit card debt (managing my credit score wasn’t high on my priorities when I was actively using), and I was living literally paycheck to paycheck. So I did as I was asked, and didn’t make a fuss.

But I didn’t feel good about it. At all. I understand how capitalism works. I know this person’s role was to generate profits. But doing so at the expense of a trusting client was taking things a giant step too far.

Had that been the only time, I might have let it slide. But that wasn’t the only time. Granted, this was a long time ago, but from what I remember from that time period, my boss started asking me to lie a lot. I don’t know if they were under pressure from the owners, if they were just unscrupulous, or maybe just disorganized, but it seemed like many loans weren’t being locked promptly, and clients were starting to get upset.

I went from enjoying this job to hating it. I went from being a great assistant to openly defying my boss, then being reprimanded by them and the owners. I didn’t want to tell the owners exactly what was happening, because what if they knew? And if they didn’t know, did I want to narc like that? What kind of retaliation might I experience if the owners took my boss’s side? I had virtually zero business experience at this point. I didn’t trust my own judgment.

5 valuable lessons

For a variety of reasons, I did not last much longer in that job. But despite this happening 28 years ago, I still remember the lessons I took from that role:

1. Listen to your gut. If it feels gross, it probably is gross.

2. Trust is hard-earned and incredibly quick to burn. Treat it as one of your most precious resources.

3. If profits are your only metric of success, you’ll feel pressure to step outside of your integrity to “succeed.”

4. Any boss who asks you to lie for them deserves to be narced on.

5. If your boss (or their boss) doesn’t have your back, this isn’t the right place for you.

Though that job was a million years ago and short-lived (compared to the roles I’d hold in the future), it clearly brought me to the values I hold today, as the CEO of Whole30. Though that job still leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I’m profoundly grateful I learned these lessons when I did, in someone else’s company. (The alternative is learning them the hard way, and burning my own brand.)

Have you ever been asked to lie by your boss? What kind of icky behaviors have you experienced? Did they help you craft a list of “non-negotiables” for roles going forward? Share in comments.

XO, MU

This is my weekly series for subscribers only, where I’ll share things that caught my eye this week in a fun and flirty way (kiss), a sustainable way (marry), or a not-so-good way (kill). And yes, this trendy game is technically “f***, marry, or kill” but we run a family-friendly-ish show around here.

Kiss (things I like right now MAYBE???)

The Last House on Needless Street, Catriona Ward (←audiobook)

This is not a new book (2021), and it’s been on zillions of “best horror books” TikToks, but for some reason I always passed it over. Then it came up as available on Libby and without even reading the summary, I thought, “What the hell.”

WHAT THE HELL INDEED. Nothing could have prepared me for this book. If you are going to dive in, here’s what you need to know, with zero spoilers because I would not cheat you out of one moment of this virtual acid trip:

• The story is whackadoodle. It’s going to feel like you’re taking crazy pills for quite some time. Just go with it; you’re not meant to understand yet.

• It comes together in a perfectly paced, utterly unhinged manner. But like, it’s genius? Like you’ve been huffing really good paint, but only a little at a time.

• Just when you start to understand—OPE, no you do not.

• It speeds up at the end like that time five of us took a taxi in Tijuana after drinking Micheladas all day. You will think you know where you are going and still you really will not.

Did I like it? Y….es? But also super duper no, because it was really f***ed up, and NOT in a fun Library at Mount Char way. I feel like I’m doing something wrong in recommending it but zero judgement if you’re like, “Girl, the more messed up, the better.”

Don't say I didn't warn you

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Last weekend, I was catching up with my sister. She mentioned browsing in a new store downtown when a gorgeous, super soft-looking sweater caught her eye. “It was heaven in a shirt. I would have snuggled it every day,” she told me. “So did you buy it?” I asked her. “Um, NO,” she said. “It was way too expensive. Yes, it was cashmere, but it was $400! I did not $400 like that sweater. I maybe $80 liked that sweater.”

This is a phrase that we’ve been using for as long as I can remember to help us make good decisions around purchases. It’s especially helpful for impulse buys, but it can also help you with “needs” like a new dishwasher or garage door. (Seriously, I used this trick when our garage door broke over the summer.)

It’s kind of like asking yourself, “Is it worth it?” when evaluating a food feedom choice, but it puts the decision in concrete terms, using a language we can all understand—money.

Do I $100 like it?

Here’s how it works: Imagine I’m out shopping at my local mall. (Note, it’s not as easy to do this online, but it can still work; I’ll explain.) I’m at the store and see a sweater I like. I’ll pick it up, look it over, then state my perceived value: “I $50 like this sweater.”

Then I look at the price tag.

If it’s $30, BOOM, that’s a steal! That doesn’t mean I buy it, but it does mean it meets my expectations of value. It also reaffirms that I’m not going to throw money at just anything. I then try it on, figure out where or how I’d wear it, and evaluate whether I already have something similar in my closet. (Spoiler: I do.) Then and only then do I make a decision about purchasing.

Now if the price tag comes up $100, it’s an automatic pass—do not hesitate, and do not doubt your own expert assessment. I’ve already set my expectations. I know how much value I’ve assigned to this sweater. I’m the expert on me! Seeing that someone else values it a great deal more doesn’t change how I feel about it. This sweater is not worth $100. It’s worth $50 (to me). Therefore this is not a good deal, and I’m walking out sweater-less.

But Melissa, what if it’s close… like $55 or $60? Then I have some thinking to do. Is it enough of a good value to consider purchasing? Am I willing to cough up an extra $5 or $10? Do I like it that much? At this point, I’d try it on, run through all of the other evaluations, and see where I landed. And if I did buy it, I will always remember that in my head, I overpaid a bit… so I’d better get my money’s worth and wear that thing a lot.

This works for bigger purchases too

The “do I $50 like it” concept works with a lot of purchases, not just clothes or shoes. When I was working on our new house, my designer submitted a number of throw pillows for my assessment. I found a set of pillows I really liked, and casually stuck a price tag to them in my head. “These pillows are maybe $40 apiece?” Imagine my shock when they turned out to be over $200 each! I immediately searched Homegoods and World Market for close-enough versions, and scored them for under $40 apiece.

You can also make this work for big purchases too. Our garage door broke over the summer; the spring snapped and the door was stuck in the closed position. The installer came over and went through our options. Finish, color, windows or no windows, some insulation or extra insulation, multiple cameras or one camera… We talked options and pricing, and at each discussion point, I asked myself, “Do I $600 need multiple cameras? Do I $1,000 need two windows?” (No and no.) We spent $5,000 because owning a home is stupid, but I only paid for the features I knew I’d appreciate, and I could not be happier with a significantly warmer garage and quiet, smooth rollers.

God, I’m old.

My best tips for this budgeting hack

Have you heard about the negotiation strategy of “anchoring?” It’s actually a cognitive bias where the first number shared (the "anchor") sets a reference point that heavily influences the rest of the negotiation. We assign a lot of weight to the first number presented—which is exactly how a price tag works. In the negotiation of, “Do I want to spend this amount on this product,” the price tag anchors your perception of how much you should be willing to spend.

My “do I $50 like it” strategy works because the price tag isn’t telling you how much it’s worth to you—you are. It’s a great way to keep yourself from overspending or buying things on impulse because everyone is wearing it. (I’m looking at you, $400 Kujten bandana scarf.)

However, there are a few things to keep in mind when you apply this hack:

Online shopping

It’s harder to practice this shopping online, because the price tag is right there, and you can’t physically handle the item to check for quality or fit. So in the case of online shopping, I’ll run through the process in reverse. I’ll buy something that I think will be worth the price, then play the “do I $50 like it” game when I get it home. It requires purposefully tossing out the significance of that anchor, which is hard, but gets easier with practice. If I spend $50, then try it on and feel like I only $25 like it, I return it.

I will also phone-a-friend (someone I trust to give it to me straight) with online purchases. I’ll order jeans online, then try the item on. If I’m on the fence about whether I $100 like them, I’ll send my sister a photo. “How much do you like these jeans?” Sometimes, she’ll say, “I’d pay $150 for them,” which tells me they could be a home run. Sometimes she’ll ask questions about the fit, comfort, and whether or not I really need another pair of jeans, then make her proclamation. Also, if if she says,
”they’re only $50 jeans” and I fight her on it, that tells me I really do $100 like them!

Unrealistic expectations with unfamiliar purchases

I experienced this with my pillows and curtains when I was designing our house. I figured, “How much could drapes for a sliding glass door cost?” Turns out, a lot, and there was no way I was going to find the kind of drapes I wanted for the price I had in mind.

For items you don’t buy regularly, this practice may not be the best way to vet your purchases, as the disparity could be huge. However, you can still price-compare, or try to find something close to ideal for less money, like I did for my pillows. With my drapes, I split the difference, buying a far less expensive pair at West Elm. I spent more than I originally imagined, but far less than my designer suggested, and I was happy with the final look.

Accountability and self-awareness

I’m a rule follower (and a Gretchen Rubin Upholder). If I tell myself, “I only $50 like them,” I don’t often struggle with trying to justify a $75 price tag. If you have a habit of negotiating with yourself in the name of instant gratification, however, you’re going to have to hold yourself to this practice. If you tell yourself, “I $40 like this sweater,” and find out it’s $100, you cannot spend the next three minutes trying to talk yourself into finding $60 more value in the thing. Remind yourself that you determine the value, not the price tag.

This is an excellent opportunity practice sitting in whatever emotion is coming up for you when your brain pitches a tantrum in Aritzia: “But I waaaaant it.” Why do you want to spend more money than you know this thing is worth? What emotion is underneath what suddenly feels like an immediate need? How can you hold your boundary around this purchase and practice in a way that feels like self-care and not punishment? (Am I even still talking about sweaters?)

Beyond budgeting…

This really isn’t about the sweater, although sticking to your budget and not over-consuming are huge wins. Holding yourself accountable is an important exercise that carries over into other areas of your life. Every time you employ this “do I $50 love it” practice, you remind yourself that you are the ultimate authority on you, and that you can trust yourself to make the choices that support you best.

XO, MU

This is my weekly series for subscribers only, where I’ll share things that caught my eye this week in a fun and flirty way (kiss), a sustainable way (marry), or a not-so-good way (kill). And yes, this trendy game is technically “f***, marry, or kill” but we run a family-friendly-ish show around here.

Kiss (things I like right now)

The Winter Black FBI Mystery series by Mary Stone (←Kindle Unlimited)

I have ready many a book series, but it’s rare that I stay interested and invested past the third book. No matter how much I love the characters or storyline, by the fourth in the series I’m often bored and ready to move on.

I stumbled upon Winter’s Mourn (Book 1) through Kindle Unlimited; it was suggested to me based on my reading habits. I took a chance, and really liked the book. At the end, I realized there was a Book 2, also on Kindle Unlimited. Instant download. At the end of Book 2, I realized there was also a Book 3… repeat until today, where I’m halfway through Book 5.

At no point before now did I look to see how many were in this series. It turns out, 27. TWENTY SEVEN. I’m both impressed and exhausted… but it’s holding my attention, so let’s see where it goes! The story follows Winter Black, a serial-killer-victim (who survived against all odds with unexplained powers) turned-FBI-agent. In the first few books, she’s solving crimes while circling the serial killer who murdered her family, disappeared her brother, and left her in a 3-month coma. In the following books, she continues solving crimes, all of which are related in some way to the other books.

The way the stories are intertwined is quite clever, and do not hit you over the head. I really appreciated that. The introduction of new characters is also deliberate, and serves the purpose of furthering the plot quite well. The characters are well developed, if not at times cliched. If I were to rate this on my “How much does this book sound like it was written by a 14-year-old-boy” scale, I’d give it a 6. It’s not overtly cliched, but the authors consistent use of “females” (when she means “women”) is as misogynistic as a podcast bro, and the “will they/won’t they” love stories could be set on any college campus with any two people who have never gone to therapy. (Winter is a bit of a caricature at times, but I really like her anyway. Autumn might be my favorite!)

Also, the author uses words I find myself looking up and memorizing, because “laconic” is a much more elegant way of saying, “terse.” AND I’m on Book 5 with no plans of stopping! Consider these a delicious snack—not like Oreos, but a charcuterie board where once in a while, a rogue Taki pops up. Who doesn’t love a mix like that?

See it on Kindle Unlimited

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Dear MU,

Having sex when my mental health is off is a real challenge; at that point, sex is the last thing I’m craving. (Honestly, sometimes sex can be a challenge even when my mental health is good!) I’m curious if the drive comes naturally to you during these times? If not, do you have to tackle it like the gym, or give yourself a pep talk that this is a good thing to check off your wellness list? — Not in the mood

Hi, Not!

Rest assured, you’re not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. Sex is the last thing on my list when my mental health is off. Sex can also be the last thing on my list for other reasons. When you’ve got kids, a job, household management, time constraints, lack of sleep, life stress, financial stress, health challenges, distressing world news, and a host of other factors to contend with, sex can easily become an afterthought.

However, one of the hallmark symptoms of my flavor of depression is feeling disconnected. I’m not upset with my husband. He’s not annoying me, or mad at me, or pressuring me. But it feels like a Herculean effort to be emotionally available for him. (We’re talking, “I don’t even want sit on the same couch, never mind make out.”)

Paradoxically, however, sex is the one thing that can instantly bring me back. If I’m able to get past the barrier of my depression and get into the act, the spell breaks and I feel connected again. The depression isn’t gone, but if life was a video game, sex rejuvenates my character with a full heart meter. And that gives me more capacity to tackle other things I know would help—calling my therapist, cleaning, or going for a walk—all of which helps me lift my mood.

It’s the “getting there” that’s a challenge—but I’ve cracked the code, at least most of the time. Not begrudgingly, not resentfully, and not like it’s a chore I’m doing for him, but something I genuinely get excited for. We’re going to take this in two parts, because you’re gonna have some homework. Very. spicy. homework.

Definitions

These two terms are often used interchangeably, but are two different things. We’ll use them throughout the rest of the discussion.

Sexual desire: Also known as libido; having an interest in engaging in sexual activity. A mental process; how often you think about or want sex.

Sexual arousal: How excited or turned on you get when you anticipate sex or engage in it. A physical process, as evidenced by the changes that occur in your body and genitals.

Step 1: Know your Desire Type

In her groundbreaking book Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski, PhD discusses the two types of desire: Spontaneous and Responsive.

Spontaneous: Your partner gives you a look and says, “Hey, you wanna…” and before the words are out of their mouth, your brain says “SEX!” and you’re ready for action.

Responsive: You need a variety of factors that get your body in the mood before your brain catches up and says, “Yeah, I’m into this.”

Spontaneous desire is probably what you think sexy-time should be—the stuff they show you in movies and TV. It’s the couple exchanging looks across a party, then cut to them frantically ripping their clothes off in the host’s bathroom. Spontaneous desire comes (seemingly) out of nowhere, fans your flames fast, and can be triggered by something small. For the 75% of men who report this primary desire type, the mental desire to have sex comes first, which then triggers their physical arousal.

Most women, however, don’t experience desire spontaneously—we experience it responsively. Responsive desire comes as the result of “priming” activities—touching, talking, sexting, watching a sex scene in a movie, fantasizing—which first leads us to physical arousal, and then brings mental desire. To put it another way, we need to create the space and environment to stoke the flames of desire in our bodies first, rather than expecting the urge to have sex to hit us fast and furious.

Un-responsive

We’ve all experienced both types of desire, and we still might. Many people have a mix, and different seasons (like being newly divorced, pregnant, or on vacation) might flip your Spontaneous switch in a way it hasn’t in months. But if you’re primarily the Responsive type, it means you need to initiate the physical contact or foreplay before you feel desire, knowing that action will spark the actual arousal.

The challenges here are twofold: One, if you’re not in the mood to connect, initiating the closeness you need to even begin the process might feel hard. Two, even if you do make a move, if your partner is the Spontaneous type, they might not realize how much they need to slow down to let you catch up. Often, by the time you’re beginning to feel aroused, the deed is done, or they’ve become frustrated that you “don’t seem into it.”

That does sound depressing.

I’m mostly the Responsive type, especially when I’m under stress. Add mental health challenges to the mix and my lady parts just go offline. Still, I know sex would feel fantastic, plus it’ll help me kick off some of the heavy blanket of depression and disconnection, plus it’s good for our relationship (in that order). So here’s my approach to trying to try—not for them, but for us, because we deserve to feel good in exactly the ways that make us feel good.

Step 2: Know your Arousal Type

Whether you’re a Responsive desire type or a normally-Spontaneous desire type in a slump, the next step is to know the ways your body gets physically aroused. There are five Arousal Types, according to relationship and sex therapist Petra Zebroff, PhD:

Sensualist: You’re into erotic touch, sight, smell, sound, and taste. Making out, your partner’s touch, a musky candle, a sexy song, dirty talk, flavored massage oil, or the feel of silky sheets all turn you on.

Behavioralist: You have specific tastes and know what you like, and it often requires imagination and thinking about the act of sex. You may be into sex toys, porn, spicy books, erotic podcasts, role playing, and trying new things in the bedroom.

Intimate: You need to feel close to your partner—a deep emotional connection is what really turns you on. Long conversations, undivided attention, and sharing vulnerably gets you in the mood to connect physically too.

Attractor: You get turned on when you’re turning your partner on, and you like to feel pursued. You’re in sexy lingerie, a little teasing, taking the lead, making them wait—the more excited they get, the more aroused you get.

Equalist: You might be a mix of all four! Maybe different moods call for different forms of stimulation, or you just like exploring all aspects of sensuality.

Spend some time here, because if you don’t know what you like, it’ll be hard to take responsibility for your own pleasure and tell your partner what you want. Also, if you’re reading this in scrubby gym clothes, surrounded by dishes and laundry, feeling anything but sexy, this is totally fine and normal. All this means is you’re in a Responsive desire phase, and of course just reading this newsletter isn’t going to horn you up.

However, I guarantee something on the list above would start turning you on, if you set aside some time (either by yourself or with your partner) and locked the bedroom door. Just sayin.’

Homework

This week, I invite you to carve out moments to explore your Desire and Arousal types. This means purposefully setting aside the time and space to consider your preferences, experiment with various factors, and see what happens.

I’m not saying, “Use these as a means of having sex this week.” You don’t have to have sex at all. Zero pressure! This is about learning more about you—how your body responds, what feels good, what feels exciting, what you’re craving—without judgment or expectation. Removing sex from the equation takes the pressure off, although if any of this naturally leads to a solo session or an invitation to your partner, by all means run with it.

You’ll need to create space for this. It won’t happen organically between work, kids, housework, and bills. Go to bed toddler-early and journal, explore spicy erotica, watch Heated Rivalry for the third time, or browse sex toys. Send your spouse and kids out for groceries and use the hour to read more about arousal types and ideas for how to spark yours. Read Come as You Are and learn about “accelerators” and “brakes,” to help you identify where you may be feeling stuck. Or play with sensual bath, a sex toy, your own hands, or anything that could feel sexy—no judgment.

You can also use quiet moments to think back to days or singular sexual experiences where you were fully invested and highly aroused. What were the circumstances? What preceded the physical connection? What actions did you or your partner take that you still think about today? What would you be excited about recreating?

Even if your mental health isn’t top-tier, this isn’t heavy lifting, and there’s a good chance you’ll stumble over something that creates a spark. Even if that spark stays with you, even if it’s fleeting, there’s tremendous power and promise knowing it’s still there.

Extra credit

If you’re comfortable, you can also share some of this with your partner. Talk about what you’ve learned about Desire and Arousal Types, what you’ve discovered about yourself, and the time and energy you’re devoting to exploring your own sexuality—both for yourself and for the good of the relationship.

This conversation is a good time to mention you’ll be taking yourself to a hotel for a night/would like to send the kids to your moms on Saturday/need your partner to cover movie night on Friday so you can get some quality alone time. You’re doing it for you, but you’re also doing it for them, knowing that more physical connection would feel good to both of you. Ask them to help you create some space to explore this.

Also, every time my husband and I have had these kinds of conversations, it’s been hugely helpful. While we don’t always get the sex that one of us has been craving immediately, it feels good to connect on such an intimate level through our words, we both learn more about what makes the other person feel good, and it’s incredibly reassuring to know that each of you is taking responsibility for your own feelings, needs, and pleasure.

In Part 2, we’ll talk about HOW you can use your own Arousal Type to get primed for hot sex, with specific examples to try at home. It’s gonna get spicy around here!

XO, MU

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*Note: My Ozlo discount code is now MELISSAURBAN

Note: I like to give my community an inside look at various aspects of my business (Whole30)—and this felt especially important.

Last Friday, I shared a post on my personal feed about ICE, the atrocities we are witnessing in MN, and the culpability of the current administration. I told my team I was sharing it, as what I put up obviously reflects on Whole30—but they were all for it. I did not mince words.

@melissau

Melissa Urban | Whole30 on Instagram: "I’ve got my dustpan and …

This is hardly the first time I’ve shared my “political” (re: caring about other people) views on Instagram. I’ve got comments going back to 2017 telling me to “stay out of politics” and “stick to food.” I knew what was coming—and it all unfolded right on schedule.

The first 8 hours: Positive comments in support. My followers see the Reel first, and they know my stance (and generally agree, or are at least willing to hear me out).

The next 24 hours: As the Reel gains traction, Instagram starts suggesting it to more people who don’t follow me. This is where the vile comments start rolling in. People began sharing blatant misinformation, crowing about their love for our fascist regime, or making threats to my personal safety (mostly from men).

The next few days: If the post pushes past the tipping point (around 250K views), comments become near unmanageable. I block and report what I can, heart the supportive ones, refuse to enter arguments or defend my position, and focus on what I want to share next.

When I shared my scathing commentary on ICE and Trump, I expected it to follow the same pattern, and was mentally prepared. But… something happened. The positive comments outweighed the vile ones by a landslide. People who didn’t follow me dropped in to agree with my sentiments. The number of threats were minimal (two), the number of blocks were surprisingly low for a post with nearly 1,700 comments, and I didn’t lose the 3,000 followers I fully expected to lose.

I gained more than 5,000.

By contrast…

On Monday morning (3 days later), the Whole30 team met to discuss what we should share on the brand side. We knew we wanted to say something; Whole30 has never shied away from sharing our values. I felt we had to speak loudly and clearly.

I drafted the language, we discussed how we’d handle comment moderation, buckled up, and shared the post.

@whole30

The Official Whole30 Program on Instagram: "You cannot separate…

Immediately, we were hit with negative comments. Vile comments. Hateful comments. Immediately. “Stay out of politics.” “If people would just follow the law…” “Where was your post when (name) was killed?” “I proudly support ICE.” Unfollow.”

And worse… so much worse (that I will not share here).

As the day went on, comments continued to pile up—but nothing was as rough as those first few hours. By 5 PM, comments had greatly slowed, suggesting that IG wasn’t aggressively pushing the post out to new people. I don’t think I took a breath all day.

What is this?

This isn’t the first time we’ve shared a similar sentiment on both my channel and Whole30, but it reinforced the perspective I’ve held about brands and social commentary.

On my personal (@melissau) channel:

• 300K views

• 48% of the views were from non-followers.

• Over 1,700 comments.

• Positive comments outweighed the negative 30:1 (at least).

• I only had to block a handful of people.

• I gained 5K followers.

On the brand (@whole30) channel:

• 360K views, and climbing

• 27% of the views were non-followers.

• Over 1,800 comments.

• A much higher percentage of negative comments (probably 1 in 5).

• We blocked dozens of people for misinformation, racism, or hate.

• We lost 4K followers (at least).

What does this tell me?

First, the Whole30 post was shown mostly to followers, and received far more negative comments. Meaning, our own community members were leaving hateful, racist, definitively untrue messages. It’s not shocking, considering our reach and longevity—the bigger our community, the more diverse it becomes. But it’s greatly disappointing.

Also, people are more understanding when you (a person) speak out. On @MelissaU, I’m perceived as a human being with a lived experience; a person sharing their grief, anger, and values. It makes sense that I, Melissa, would have an opinion. People may not want me to assert it, but they see it as mine.

People don’t feel the same about a brand speaking out. Even if they’re generally a fan of the brand. Even if they consider themselves aligned with your message. (We had a lot of, “I don’t disagree, but I don’t want to see it in my feed,” mostly from older white women.) A person can have an opinion, but a brand can’t. A brand is supposed to be, I don’t know, above all of this?

On the Whole30 feed, we’re seen as a commercial entity, a service provider. We’re something they “pay for” and consume. That flips a switch for a lot of people. The same words become, “A company is telling me what to think.” And “stay out of politics” is usually code for, “don’t disrupt my relationship with this brand.”

There is also, perhaps, a power dynamic at play. As Melissa, when I call out injustice, I’m just one woman, punching up at “the man.” When the brand speaks, it may be seen as punching down or leveraging our power, even if that’s not accurate. We heard this in the comments: “You’re using your platform to influence,” and “You’re alienating half your customer base,” and “Gross, virtue signaling.” People may see it not as a sharing of values, but as an attempt at coercion.

Finally, I suspect many followers simply don’t understand Whole30 as a brand. They see us as a “diet” or “recipe site,” not a mission-driven organization. And at this point in the program’s growth, many don’t even know who I am, never mind the values I hold. I’m not surprised so many people didn’t realize Whole30 has been a woke bitch for years—although I do have to wonder, “Where have y’all been?”

The takeaway

Will this change the way I do things, either personally or for the brand? On the MU side, not one bit. I’ll keep sharing, and if people don’t like it, they can see themselves out. On the brand side… not really, again. It’s important that people coming to Whole30 feel safe and accepted, and can see themselves in the brand. We do that by bringing diverse creators onto our feed, celebrating that diversity, sharing our values, and standing up for people who don’t look, live, or love like Carol from Kansas.

It does make me think about how we share on the Whole30 side, however. I always frame statements “from the CEO” (me), but maybe showing up personally would make the message feel less "coercion” and more “value-sharing.” Maybe we need to sprinkle these moments in more frequently, to get our community more familiar with our mission and vision. Maybe we need to just turn off comments (“we said what we said”), although that’s often seen as a softening of the message—like we’re not willing to stand up for our position.

One thing is certain—Whole30 needs to keep doing what we’re doing. Maybe if we do, other small health and wellness brands will take the leap and start sharing their values loudly and proudly. If we can show them it can be done and support them in it, customers who “don’t want to think about politics” would have to start paying attention. And right now, we need everybody tuned in, especially Carol from Kansas (and other privileged white women).

Share your thoughts in comments—I’d love to know how I or Whole30 could make an even bigger impact.

XO, MU

This is my weekly series for subscribers only, where I’ll share things that caught my eye this week in a fun and flirty way (kiss), a sustainable way (marry), or a not-so-good way (kill). And yes, this trendy game is technically “f***, marry, or kill” but we run a family-friendly-ish show around here.

Kiss (things I like right now)

Sociopath: A Memoir by Patric Gagne (←Audiobook)

I can count the non-fiction books I’ve listened to on one finger. (Born a Crime by Trevor Noah—that’s it.) But I love reading non-fiction, and The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson was one of my all-time favorites. When Sociopath came up as available on Libby, I was intrigued. Like most people, I suspect, I’ve often wondered what it would mean to be a sociopath. To be honest, there have always been aspects of it that sound enviable, but maybe that’s just me? (It’s the same part of me that believes I’d thrive in prison, with structured routines and so much time to read and exercise, plus I wouldn’t have to talk to anybody if I didn’t want to.) I’ve also known a few people I’ve suspected of this condition. In general, I wanted to know more.

I looked for excuses to keep listening. (My house is very clean right now.) The author is obviously brilliant, and surprisingly self-aware. Maybe that’s a common misconception about sociopaths—that they don’t know they’re sociopaths—but from childhood, Patric knows she’s different, and begins a quest to figure out how, and why, and what it means for her life. Her learnings and applications are fascinating. I immediately liked her. Her delivery is painfully direct, which is my favorite form of communication. Emotions—at least, the more subtle ones, like empathy, guilt, or other people’s perceptions of her—never enter the chat, which is also relatable. (I’ve had to actively work on developing empathy. The difference is that I could, and have, expanded that emotional range.) As she learns, we learn, but her storytelling is also exceptional, so it reads more like fiction.

In the book, she explores “faux-ciopaths;” those who pretend to be, want to be, or simply want proximity to real sociopaths. I understand that fascination. Still, the book reveals its own lessons without having to fangirl your local sociopath. Could we apply some of the more helpful aspects of her personality disorder to our own lives? We could. Should we leave the least helpful aspects behind? Yes—and we probably couldn’t cultivate those anyway, because that’s not how we’re built. Though some days, I almost wish otherwise. (Not really, but also yes, really. Remember, prison.) This is a book I’ll be thinking about for a very long time, and I’ve had to resist DM’ing Patric because I would fangirl (although she would not care a lick?).

P.S. Of note, the author reads it herself, which is always dicey. However, Patric does a phenomenal job, 10/10, which many professional narrators cannot achieve. Kudos.

Listen here (you know you want to)

Vashon Island Coffee Dust

I don’t often get unsolicited packages. I discourage brands from just sending me stuff, and my practice is that I only accept samples from brands I’m considering working with, or potential/current Whole30 Approved partners. But last month, a mysterious package showed up at the office, with a little note. It basically said, “Love your stuff, wanted to send you a little treat, hoping this makes it into a Kiss, Marry, Kill.” I love me some good insider knowledge, and I was intrigued.

It’s called Coffee Dust. The sampler contains six little spice blends with no added sugar, which you add to your coffee, coffee alternative, or hot cocoa for a flavor boost. As an example, Hot Momma is a mix of cocoa, cayenne, cinnamon, and sea salt. Cocoa Calm is cocoa, lavender, and sea salt.

I’m no stranger to adding flavor to coffee; Chocolate Salt LMNT has been my ride-or-die. But after the packet I consume at the gym, I don’t always need more sodium. This is where Coffee Dust has come in. One tiny scoop (included in the sampler pack) packs so much flavor. Hot Momma is my favorite, but I’ve now tried them all, and they are all delicious in their own way. Each tiny tin contains 12 servings, so a sampler pack can last you quite a while. I’ve added them to my decaf coffee and my MUD\WTR, and it’s equally good in both.

With no added sugar and the shortest ingredient list, this is such a fun and easy way to spice up your beverages. (It also makes a great host gift, if you know the person is a coffee lover.) Could you make this yourself? Probably, with a few additions to your spice cabinet. Am I going to do that every morning? Hell no. I don’t add these every time I make a mug, but a few times a week I’m picking-me-up with a scoop.

This is not sponsored, nor do I grant a mention to everyone who sends me free stuff. This product just happened to be a home run, and I’ve been using it consistently all month. In fact, they should become Whole30 Approved! The community would love this in addition to their nutpods. (I’ll reach out to the brand and share my thanks in person too.)

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