Dear MU, I’m really struggling with the “nice” nature of my extended friend group. They never want to speak up… about anything! For example, if I suggest a restaurant for a group dinner, no one will say that it’s out of their budget or that the menu isn’t a good fit, but then we get to the restaurant and they complain, or just order soup with a pointed look. I can’t keep up with 10 people’s preferences! How can I get them to start setting their own boundaries? —Tired of mind-reading

The short answer is that it’s not your job to manage your friends’ needs, feelings, or boundary-setting. My Relationship Golden Rule says, “Say what you mean, and trust your conversation partner to do the same.” When you propose that new sushi place downtown and your friends say, “That sounds good, let’s do that,” you need to trust that they’re saying what they mean.

Everyone has a phone. Everyone could say, “Oh, let me look at the menu and pricing first.” Everyone could say, “I’ll let you know tomorrow, I want to make sure they have gluten-free items,” or “I’m not feeling sushi,” or “I’d like something closer to the office, can we look in the south part of town?” If they choose not to, that’s not your problem.

Of course, this is often easier on paper than it is in practice. I’m imagining you’ve had conversations in which your friends said one thing, but meant something else—and you didn’t guess or pick up on that, which led to resentment, frustration, or conflict. You feel bad, they feel uncomfortable or end up going along with it resentfully, and you’re left wondering what you did wrong.

The answer is nothing—you are not a mind-reader, and you are not responsible for managing your friends’ feelings or boundaries. But there are a few practices you can put in place to encourage and facilitate the Relationship Golden Rule, such that it becomes firmly established in your friend groups, and these “mind reading” expectations become a thing of the past.

Step 1: Model the first half

The first half of the Relationship Golden Rule is, “Say what you mean.” By modeling this for your friends, you’ll give them permission to do the same. When they say, “How about sushi,” you can reply, “I’m on a tighter budget this week, can we go somewhere less expensive,” or “I’m kind of off sushi right now, I’d prefer something else,” or “Yes, but not that place on Main Street—last time I was there, it wasn’t very good and really overpriced.” 

Speak your mind, do it kindly, and if the rest of the group really wants sushi, be transparent in your decision: “Since that’s what the group wants, I’ll join—spending time with you is more important than what we eat,” or “How about you do sushi and I’ll meet you for the next lunch? I’d rather not strap my finances right now.” 

By saying what you mean,, you’re now showing your friends what it means to communicate clearly, and you remove the potential awkwardness or discomfort away from the decision. (You may be surprised that speaking up gives others permission to do the same immediately! And they also might thank you for going first.)

Step 2: Encourage the second half

While you aren’t responsible for your friends’ needs, feelings, or boundaries, you can encourage them to share clearly with you in a way that might help them feel more comfortable. The next time you propose sushi, you could say, “I’d love to go back to that sushi place downtown, but not everyone loves sushi, and that place is more expensive than our normal spots. Be honest—I’d rather switch restaurants and have everyone be happy and comfortable.”

You can also share pertinent information about various choices, if you know they may be relevant to some. Parents may appreciate you saying, “This place doesn’t take reservations and the line can be quite long—if people would rather get in and out on more of a predictable schedule, just say so.” Friends who are saving up for a new house might appreciate a heads-up on menu prices, and those who don’t like loud crowds may want to know if there’s a live band that night.

If after all of your encouragement and disclaimers, nobody speaks up to voice their dissent, your work is done. You can’t beat their feelings out of them, and if they wanted to speak up but chose not to, that is not your problem, and you shouldn’t carry any of the burden of what may come of their decision. Still, you do want to address it.

Step 3: Handle the aftermath

If you discover that people were uncomfortable speaking up—but that led to frustration, anxiety, anger, or resentment down the line—address it head-on, gently but clearly. “I hated that we got to the restaurant and you were uncomfortable. I wish you had told me that the environment wasn’t what you were looking for. I know it can feel weird to be the one to speak up, but I’d rather change locations and enjoy ourselves, and I know the others would too. And if we all had our heart set on that bar no matter what, at least then you’d know, and you’d be able to opt in or out without feeling like you had to hide your feelings.”

Finally, when all of this starts to work and your friends do begin sharing their needs or feelings, receive them gracefully, especially in the beginning. The last thing you want is to react defensively or abruptly, shutting down the conversation (and this new communication pattern) before it even begins. Yes, you might be annoyed that Ann never wants sushi, but that’s not Ann’s problem. You now know to either plan a sushi dinner without her, or agree that spending time with Ann is more important than where you dine.

By setting and holding your own boundaries clearly and kindly, you’ll give others permission to do the same, send the message that you’re a safe person to share their needs and feelings with, and start to shift the communication patterns of your entire group. But remember, you can’t do it for them. The only person’s needs, feelings, and communications you’re responsible for here is you.

MU

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Melissa Urban has been helping people set and hold boundaries since 2009 (the earliest days of Whole30), and is absolutely not a therapist. If you have a question for WWMUD, email hello@melissau.com, or reply to this email. (Open to Subscribers only. Founding Member questions take priority, so please identify yourself as such in your email!)

Wedding season is upon us, so this is a special bonus issue available to all! I have been answering your questions on Instagram for many years, and am now turning your questions into my new member-only advice column here on Substack. To see all of my advice, be able to submit your own questions for a personalized response, and gain access to the full XOMU archives, upgrade your subscription today! It’s just $6 for the month, or $60 for the year—a small price to pay for knowing exactly what to say to set a boundary with your overbearing mother-in-law, pushy friend, or gaslighting co-parent.

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While I was writing The Book of Boundaries, I received a question from a community member on Instagram. She wrote:

“A newly engaged friend just asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I was honored and accepted, but then I realized her plans far exceed my financial means. She wants all of us to travel back east to her Mom’s for the shower, then plan another trip to Vegas for her bachelorette party. I’d also need to buy an expensive bridesmaid gown, not to mention a wedding present. I can’t keep up, but I don’t want to let her down. What should I do?”

This is technically a boundary conversation—"here is my limit based on my finances”—but it’s delicate given the circumstances. It’s an honor to be asked, and of course you want to be there for her in every way possible, but your finances (and perhaps time constraints, given all of the traveling expected of you) are very real limitations.

Any major life can present a challenge when it comes to our relationships with loved ones, whether you’re asked to host a baby shower, attend a destination anniversary party, travel for a graduation ceremony, or attend a child’s bar mitzvah. We want to share in these major life moments, but what if we’re being asked to spend more money than we can, travel far distances, or spend more time than our schedule allows?

These asks can lead to stress, resentment, and hurt feelings on both sides if you don’t address them head-on. As always, a clear, kind conversation held far in advance of the event in question can help to clarify their expectations and your capacity.

Get clear on your limits

To respond to your particular question directly: First, I recommend that you spend some time thinking about what you can and are willing to do for your friend’s wedding. If you don’t know your own limits, it will be impossible to set an effective boundary, and you’ll be more likely to agree to something you can’t actually support under pressure.

Here are some questions to help guide you through that thought process:

• If you can’t accommodate two trips—the shower and the bachelorette party—can you attend one, or are both off the table? Would you be able to travel to either if you shared a hotel room with another bridesmaid, or someone donated their air miles?

• How much are you able to comfortably spend on a bridesmaid’s gown? This might be a good time to poll the other bridesmaids, as you may all have similar limits.

• Will you be able to contribute to the cost of the shower and/or bachelorette party, and if so, how much can you afford?

• Can you help to plan the shower and/or bachelorette party, even if you aren’t able to contribute financially?

• If you do continue as her bridesmaid, will that count as your wedding gift?

Share your limits honestly

Once you have an understanding of what you can contribute to, talk to the bride during a relaxed moment. Explain that you’d love to be there for her in every capacity, but now that you’re hearing more about her hopes and dreams, you are unable to devote the financial resources necessary to support every aspect of her wedding. You can then offer her the choice: “If you want me to be your bridesmaid, I’d love to, but now that I’ve heard your plans, we need to talk about what I’m reasonably able to do. If, after that, you want a different experience, I would understand if you asked me to step down. I want you to have exactly what you want for your wedding, and I won’t take it personally.”

Since you’re coming into the conversation knowing exactly where your limits are, feel free to spell them out in detail:

• “I can’t travel for both the shower and the bachelorette—is one event more important to you? I can do some research to see if I can find inexpensive airfare and split a hotel room with someone.”

• When it comes to the dress: “I can afford to spend $250 on a dress—how do you feel about us buying something off the rack instead of through a bridal store? I’ve been looking at ASOS and they have some great dresses at a reasonable cost.”

• When it comes to planning and financial contributions: “I’d love to help organize the bachelorette, but I’d have to keep it low-key. If you’re thinking shows, clubs, and VIP pool parties, I’ll have to skip it.” Or “I’d love to help plan and organize the shower, but I can’t contribute to the cost.”

• As for a wedding gift, don’t bring that up just yet—you can figure that out later, once you know your involvement with the wedding.

It may feel uncomfortable to speak so plainly about your limits, but this is the kindest thing you could do for your friend and your relationship. By clearly spelling out your boundaries, you’ll ensure that you can support your friend in a way that feels comfortable and healthy for you, which is good for your friendship, and shows that you value her hopes and dreams for this important event.

Accept the outcome gracefully

After you’ve explained your situation in an open and honest way, the decision is in the bride’s hands. If she wants her bridesmaids with her through every aspect of her wedding, she’ll either have to scale back her plans, find a way to support you through them (does she have extra air miles, or can you stay with her at her mom’s house?), or select someone else for this duty.

If your friend agrees to adjust her expectations to include you—what a relief! You are now free to support your friend in a way that doesn’t cause you stress or hardship, free to truly enjoy all of the events you attend, and free to enjoy and appreciate this new level of value and trust in your friendship.

If she does choose to ask someone else to be her bridesmaid, that’s still a win, because now you’re free to bow out gracefully knowing you did as much as you could to support her, she is free to have exactly the event she wants, and you’ll still experience the same feelings of value and trust in your friendship. If this is how it shakes out, please do accept her decision with warmth and grace. Even if it stings a bit in the moment, ultimately it will be better for you and your friendship if you don’t put yourself in a position where you have to spend more than you have, or where you’re not able to be the bridesmaid your friend needs you to be.

Tips for boundaries for any special event

There are common themes in this WWMUD boundary edition that you can apply to any special event in which you’re asked or expected to play a role, from organizing to financially contributing to attending.

• Get clear on your own limits. If you enter into these conversations with just a squishy sense of, “This is asking a lot” or “I can’t afford all of this,” you won’t be able to effectively set the boundaries you both deserve. Make a list and be specific about what you can and cannot comfortably do for this event, and let those be your boundary guidelines.

• Speak your limits clearly and kindly. Make sure to use “I” statements, like “I can’t take that much time off work,” instead of “you” statements like, “You expect me to take a whole week off work.” Share your limits honestly, even if you don’t get into personal details. It’s okay to say, “I can’t afford a trip right now,” without getting into your personal financial situation.

• Don’t fudge your reasons. This is a bonus tip that didn’t apply to the above scenario, but if you just don’t want to attend or participate—just say that, but kindly, please. (Because if you say you can’t afford to fly and they offer you their Skymiles, you’re stuck.) Try, “Thanks for inviting me, but I can’t join you that weekend. I’ll be sure to send the graduate a card, though.” And yes, if you are able, send a small gift where appropriate.

• Accept the outcome gracefully. If you’ve established your own limits and communicated them clearly and kindly, their reaction or decision is not your business. If they choose to dis-invite you, realize that is their boundary to set, so they can have the event of their dreams. And if they’re mad because you can’t meet their expectations—OH WELL. That’s not your problem, because you should not have to sacrifice your own mental health, job security, or financial health just to make someone else happy.

Finally, go into these conversations assuming the best. In most cases, your conversation partner will be grateful and touched that you were open and honest about your limits, and gracefully respect what you are and are not able to do. In all cases, regardless of the outcome, setting the boundary here will improve your relationship—whether it’s your relationship with that person or your relationship with yourself, because you prioritized your own health and happiness exactly as you deserve.

MU

Melissa Urban has been helping people set and hold boundaries since 2009 (the earliest days of Whole30), and is absolutely not a therapist. If you have a question for WWMUD, email hello@melissau.com, or reply to this email. (Open to Subscribers only. Founding Member questions take priority, so please identify yourself as such in your email!)

Content warning: Drug addiction, sexual abuse

Dear MU, Can you speak more to how you taught yourself empathy? That is something I struggle with, and would love to hear how you started. —Far away

I was fresh out of rehab (for the second time), and had been showing up at the gym before work for a few weeks now. As I was resting between sets, I noticed a woman working out in front of me. She was fit, strong, and looked so glowingly healthy. I looked at her, looked back at myself in the mirror, and immediately starting berating myself for being so not that—not fit enough, not strong enough, not healthy enough—which quickly devolved into not enough of anything.

It didn’t matter that I had successfully avoided using drugs for several weeks IN A ROW—a huge feat. It didn’t matter that I was in the gym for the first time in my life and had been consistent with my commitment, not missing a single day. It didn’t matter that I was coming from near death and successfully starting to rebuild my life and my health. I had no compassion, no grace, and no empathy for myself—only derision, shame, and disgust.

Eventually, though, after many painful sessions unpacking my trauma and addiction in therapy, I began to feel a shift in my thoughts. With time, years of therapy, and a commitment to doing the hard self-work, I learned to be more graceful, compassionate, and empathetic. Today, I consider it one of my best qualities.

Empathy is in part a trait, associated with specific genetic markers. But it’s also a skill, which means anyone can learn to be more empathic. Here are three practices that really helped this skill take root for me.

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Dear MU, I just found out that I am pregnant with my second child. My best friend is dealing with a heartbreaking infertility journey. How can I tell her that I'm pregnant in a way that is sensitive? —Life is unfair

First, congratulations. I'm really happy for you, and wish you nothing but joy and health in this pregnancy. I am also in admiration of your compassion in writing this question. Here is how I'd move forward, thinking about my own experience grieving loss (of a marriage, not a baby) and knowing how it felt when friends shared their engagement announcements or wedding invitations with me during that difficult period.

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Dear MU: My roommate introduced me to a guy (Josh) that she knows through her boyfriend (Sam)—the two men work together and are pretty close. Josh and I hit it off and started dating. A few weeks later, my roommate and her boyfriend broke up. Now she says it’s too painful to have Josh around, and asked me to stop seeing him. I told my roommate I wanted to keep dating Josh, and asked how I could do that and still be respectful of her feelings, but she says there isn’t a compromise here—these are her boundaries. What do I do? —Lonely in love

(Note, read to the end for tips on applying healthy boundaries to ANY difficult season, whether you’re grieving a break-up, a pregnancy loss, a job, or a parent.)

Your roommate telling you who you can and cannot date isn’t a boundary, it’s controlling and manipulative. Certainly, there are things you can do in this situation to be kind and respectful of her feelings, but that doesn’t include dumping your boyfriend because he brings up painful memories. Make a pact not to talk about Sam (her ex) in front of her, or talk about her with Josh, assuming he’s still friends with Sam. Basically, protect her privacy and respect her implied request not to have her ex’s ghost paraded around in front of her.

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Dear MU, my husband insists that boundaries do nothing but push people away, and I don’t know how to explain to him that it doesn’t feel like that to me. (And if people feel pushed, that isn’t my problem–especially if the alternative is continuing to deal with their nonsense.) How can I explain this to him in a way that he might understand? – Brie, on Instagram

A healthy boundary is truly designed to make a relationship better—but the person on the receiving end might not be able to see that. The key lies in the intentions of the boundary-setter (in this case, you). Let’s illustrate with a story.

Bob and his muddy boots

Say your husband’s friend Bob, a nice guy whose company you enjoy, visits frequently, but always wears his muddy shoes inside the house. You’ve hinted that he could take them off, but he’s ignored the hints and your husband doesn’t notice, so Bob keeps tracking dirt all over your floors, carpets, and sometimes couch.

So the next time Bob knocks on the door, you open it with a sigh. “Hi, Bob…  come in.” He walks in with a big grin, mud all over his boots, and moves in for a hug. But you’re already angry because you just washed the floors, so you give him a short hug and a terse, “Jeff is in the kitchen.” You immediately head upstairs, because you will seethe with rage if you have to watch your gorgeous carpet and floors get muddied again.

You pace around upstairs annoyed that you can’t even enjoy your own house because of Bob’s rude behavior. Bob walks into the kitchen to find your husband Jeff and says, “What’s wrong with Brie? She seemed really out of sorts when she answered the door. Did I do something wrong?” Jeff has no idea, and now they’re both confused. You stomp down the stairs to get a snack, Jeff asks, “Hey babe, you okay?” and you snap back, “I’m FINE,” and now they both think you’re mad at them and don’t know why.

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Dear MU: My parents have been separated for a year, but been doing the “will we/won’t we” dance with getting back together. Today, my dad told my mom he’s going on a date. My mom keeps calling me “just to talk,” but I can’t be her emotional dumping ground when it comes to their relationship. How can I say this without sending her into a spiral? —TMI

You want her to have the opportunity to receive support, while at the same time, being clear that person cannot be you. Here’s your Green boundary script:

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Dear MU: As a boss, I actively demonstrate care for my employees’ families, mental health, and goals. But sometimes I feel that our weekly meetings lean further away from work and closer to a counseling session. How do you manage leader-to-employee relationships that feel authentic and caring while also preserving work as work? —Not your therapist

You’re going to have to draw a brighter line, as uncomfortable as that might feel—but I’m going to show you how you can care, empathize, and show up for your employees in a way that feels appropriate for your role.

Step 1: Update your agenda

As meetings have been sliding from work to personal territory regularly, you’ll want to shift the tone by making your weekly meetings more formalized. First, create a new agenda template for future meetings, and instruct your team members to add no more than three discussion topics to the list before each meeting. This is a play on the Ivy Lee productivity method, demanding more focus and forethought from your employee and providing more structure to the discussion. Asking for a specific number will also send the message that you’re being deliberate in respecting your time together.

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Dear MU, I’ve always toyed with the idea of law school, but never committed because I figure I wouldn’t like being a lawyer. But now I wonder if I’m actually just scared of failure. How can I tell if it’s fear or if it’s not the right fit for me? —Elle Woods, maybe?

Your first sentence confuses me, said with love. Despite my dad telling me I was very good at arguing during my teenage years, I’m pretty sure I’d hate being a lawyer. As a result, I’ve never once thought, “Maybe I should go to law school.”

So the obvious question here is, “Why have you toyed with the idea of law school?” If it’s because your parents always pushed you to go, you think the idea of being a lawyer sounds respectable, or the financial potential at the faaar end of the tunnel sounds appealing, but you really have no drive to do lawyer-ing yourself, then you can give up the idea right now. Going back to school is a major financial, energetic, and time commitment. You have to want the destination bad enough to slog through the “journey” part.

If, however, you’ve always dreamed about being a lawyer, and can see yourself happy and successful in your chosen field of law despite the challenges of getting there, that’s a different conversation. Now, you’re down to the practical—do I want to invest the time and money, am I willing to start from the bottom again, and yes, what’s my back-up plan if I get through school and decide I don’t like the hours, the environment, or the work? That’s a very normal and reasonable fear to have, but it’s fear of the unknown, not a premonition.

You won’t know if it’s a good fit until you’re doing it. So now you have to decide whether or not to try.

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Dear MU, How do I respond when the guy I’m dating doesn’t recognize his actions or comments have hurt me, even after I’ve tried to share that I’m hurt? —Frustrated

I’m going to assume that you’ve already asked yourself, “Am I just feeling triggered because of my own stuff,” and the answer is no, they’ve actually done or said something harmful. Here’s how I’d start: “I understand that the same comment/action wouldn’t feel hurtful to you, but we’re talking about me. And regardless of your intentions, I’m telling you that what you said/did was hurtful.” Stop there—don’t over-explain or justify. Say nothing, and let him reply.

Even if he doesn’t really get it, if you get an “I’m… sorry?” then you’re getting somewhere, and can continue the conversation. Explaining what they said or did and how you experienced it (and listening to how he experienced it too) can lead to a better understanding of your relationship dynamic. If he continues to be defensive, tell you you’re too sensitive, or insist you “shouldn’t” feel hurt, then the conversation changes: “You don’t get to dictate or minimize my feelings, and it doesn’t feel good that you keep trying to. I need some time to think about how to move forward from here.”

Taking a break from the conversation in the moment—not angrily, but calmly—may give him the space he needs to reflect without defensiveness. It also gives you the space you need to evaluate whether this is a one-off or a pattern, and if you’re willing to tolerate being emotionally gaslighted on the reg, if that’s what’s happening.

Dear MU,my sister asked me if I would take her four kids if she and her husband died. I said no—and my family is furious. with me. I don’t have kids, and I’ve been clear that I never wanted my own. Taking her four kids would be a financial hardship for me. I’m upset that they don’t respect my answer. —Auntie Only

As a parent, just thinking about what would happen to my son if my husband and I both die (which would mean we died traumatically and suddenly) makes me nauseous. No parent want to plan for this, and yet as responsible caregivers, we have to.

Telling your sister clearly that you don’t have the financial or energetic capacity to properly care for her children is the kindest thing you could do for her right now—even if she doesn’t see it that way. It’s a huge responsibility, and even though (God willing) it’s highly unlikely to happen, your sister and her husband deserve to know that their kids will be welcomed enthusiastically and competently into a loving and stable home after their passing. Other than the “loving” part, that’s not you, and they deserve to know that too.

Give it time, because they are likely struggling with who their next choice would be, and what that means for their kids. Don’t press them for understanding or acceptance yet. That would be far more likely to come when they’ve secured other plans and can breathe easy knowing their kids would be well-cared for.

And also, they may never see this as anything other than a supremely selfish act—and you’d have to accept that too. How they respond to your clear, kind boundary is not your business. Try not to get angry or defensive about your decision. Continue to repeat that you could not properly care for their kids, and their kids deserve someone who can be fully prepared for and devoted to their upbringing. Reassure them that you’ll stay in their children’s life and do as much as you can to ensure they feel loved and supported—and that you know this is a horrible thing to even have to think about as parents, and you understand it must be terribly stressful. A little compassion can go a long way here.

Melissa Urban has been helping people set and hold boundaries since 2009 (the earliest days of Whole30), and is absolutely not a therapist. If you have a question for WWMUD, email hello@melissau.com or reply to this email. Open to Subscribers only; Founding Member questions take priority, so please identify yourself as such in your email!

Dear MU, I just started reading The Book of Boundaries and I’m loving it. I’d like to start setting boundaries with others, but my communication isn’t the best. I come off aggressive and harsh, probably because I’ve been holding in anger and not speaking up for so long. I want to change that, but I don’t know how. —Threat Level Fuchsia

I call this “Boundary Rebellion,” and going straight to the Red boundary (or beyond) when the straw breaks your proverbial camel’s back is a hallmark symptom.

I borrowed this concept from my friend Gretchen Rubin, who talks about Obliger Rebellion in her book The Four Tendencies. Obligers (AKA “people-pleasers”) tend to behave in the same way; they swallow their feelings and needs in an effort to be nice and make others happy, until one day, they just can’t. Gretchen writes:

“Obliger Rebellion occurs when Obligers meet, meet, meet, meet expectations, and then suddenly — they snap. They say, “This, I will not do!” and they refuse to meet an expectation. This refusal can be small and symbolic (like being deliberately late for work), or it can be huge and fateful (like ending a twenty-year friendship).”

From your perspective, snapping is a logical consequence of their chronic and constant boundary oversteps. “Can’t they see they’ve been running me over for years? Of course I’m angry about it!” From their perspective, it looks like it’s coming out of nowhere. “Our relationship has worked this way for years. Why are you taking my head off all of a sudden?”

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Note: If you’d rather listen to this article, I narrate all of them myself! Think of it like a mini-podcast; just click the “article voiceover” button above.

Dear MU: Where is the intersection between “don’t take anything personally” and boundaries? Is there a point where I really do just need to grow a thicker skin? How will I know if my “boundaries” really mean I’m just asking others to walk on eggshells around me? –Amy

This is an excellent question, and doesn’t have a bright line or a “one size fits all.” There are two key points at play here:

1. Healthy boundaries are flexible; changing as your needs, your context, and the relationship change

2. Your boundary response should be proportionate to the amount of risk the boundary ovestep poses to your health, safety, and relationship

   My advice column is for subscribers only. If you like what you’re reading, there’s plenty more to come—join the community!

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Dear MU, I’m scared I’m going to be alone forever, but I’ve been in so many shitty relationships I don’t even want another one right now. I don’t even think there are good men out there. How do I build more confidence and get comfortable with being alone? –Taking a break

When I divorced, I spent two years purposefully not dating. I had given so much of myself away in an attempt to make my marriage “work,” I didn’t know who I was anymore. I knew if I tried to attach myself to a new partner like that, I’d end up covering up my empty parts with a flimsy man-sized patch. So I put myself on a dating moratorium, and did exactly the work you’re talking about above.

See, there are good men out there. Men who will take care of you the way you deserve, men who will support your goals and be proud of your accomplishments, men who want to show up in equal partnership. They’re out there. I know them! But you need a damn good filter to find them, and that filter is, “Do I like spending time with them as much as I like spending time with myself?” That’s the kicker.

Until you learn to love spending time with yourself, that bar will always be way too low. If you’d rather be with any man than take yourself to dinner, sit with your own feelings, or decorate your own house, then that’s who will keep showing up for you, and you’ll jump at the chance to distract yourself.

Until you learn to love spending time with yourself, that bar will always be way too low.

That doesn’t mean you live like a hermit and do everything alone. I don’t want you to be achingly lonely, I want you to know how to find comfort, joy, support, and contentment in your own presence. 

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Dear MU, how would you go about stopping something that’s a habit? How do I “show up” to not have a glass of wine at night? –Alexandra Olsen, subscriber

I’m going to make two assumptions here: First, that you’re not trying to be 100% sober, you just want to break the habit of automatically reaching for a glass of wine at home. Second, that on occasion (like if you’re hosting a dinner party), a glass of wine at home would be just fine, as that’s neither automatic nor regularly occurring.

According to habit research done with rats and humans, the harder it is to obtain a reward, the less likely you are to do the work necessary to achieve it. Conversely, the easier and more accessible the reward, the more likely you are to impulsively seek it. So the first thing we’re going to do is make it very hard for you to have a glass of wine at night.

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Dear MU, Could you offer a kind boundary for when someone you’ve previously asked for and accepted advice from now continuously offers unsolicited advice, even when you don’t ask and don’t want it? –Just Listen

Having been on the receiving and bestowing end of unsolicited advice, I understand exactly how tricky this is. If you as the advice-giver have experience or expertise that could prevent someone you care about from pain, hardship, or suffering, why wouldn’t you want to shove it at them? But sometimes, as the advice-receiver, we don’t want you to fix it or insert your own opinions—we want you to listen, support, and allow us the space and grace to figure it out for ourselves, even if we end up doing it the hard way.

A pre-Green conversation

If you have the opportunity, initiate a gentle Green boundary before a scenario arises in which you just want to share and they are trying to insert their advice. Try:

"In the past I've asked you for advice, and you've given me some great tips. But I've noticed lately that every time I want to talk about something, you jump straight into ‘fix it’ mode. So I’m going to start telling you up front when I just want you to listen or empathize, and I'll ask you to not offer advice unless I ask—as hard as that may be. Cool?"

If they push back, saying, “I’m just trying to help,” you can reply, “I know, and I appreciate it. Sometimes, the most helpful thing for me is to have someone there to listen, then let me figure it out for myself. But you know I’ll ask if I do want help.”

(If they say, “It’s impossible for me to listen to you complain and not do anything about it,” you’re gonna want to read to the end.)

“Sometimes, the most helpful thing for me is to have someone there to listen, then let me figure it out for myself. But you know I’ll ask if I do want help.”

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Your G/Y/R scripts

You may need scripts for in-the-moment, when you’re talking about the challenge you’re facing with, say, a bossy co-worker, and they immediately shift into, “You should do this” mode.

Green: "Oh wait—I’m not looking for advice yet. I need some space to figure it out for myself, but talking about it really helps, so can I keep telling you about it?"

Yellow: "I know you're trying to help, but advice right now does not feel helpful. I need someone to listen, because saying it out loud helps me put it into perspective. Okay?”

Red: "I think we should talk about something else, then, because you keep inserting your opinion and that isn't what I need right now." (Change the subject, excuse yourself off the phone, or leave the conversation entirely.)

Choose wisely

As an Enneagram 8, I struggle with wanting to jump right in and fix it. The other night, after telling me how much he needed a good sweat session, my husband sent me a text saying, “I don’t think I can go to class tonight, I can’t find either pair of jiu jitsu pants.” I was driving and thought, “What the hell am I supposed to do about his missing pants from the car?” I expressed the same sentiment to him when I got home (I KNOW), and he very patiently said, “I didn’t expect you to fix it, but you could have said ‘that sucks.’”

If you know there are people who really struggle (or refuse) to just listen or empathize, stop telling them about your problems.

Some people aren’t naturals when it comes to active listening or empathy, and may even approach conversations from the mindset of “either do something about it or stop complaining.” This is something I’ve been actively working on for years, and though I don’t always get it right (sorry, husband), most of the time I remember to empathize and acknowledge the situation first, then ask if I can help. (Most people in my life also know to open conversations with me by saying, “I just need you to listen and tell me it sucks,” in which case I rise to the occasion beautifully.)

You can also start sharing your needs more clearly up front by telling people how they can best support you: “I need to vent about mom real quick—I don’t you to get involved, I just need someone who gets it to listen, do you have 10 minutes?” or “I could really use your advice, can I send you a short email?” or “I need you to help me make sense of this work issue I’m having, is now a good time?”

However, you may also have to categorize your friends into “good listeners” and “advice-givers.” If you know there are people who really struggle (or refuse) to just listen or empathize, stop telling them about your problems. Find someone else in your circle to share those things with, and set a boundary around the topics into which you’re willing to invite the advice-pushers.

MU

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Melissa Urban has been helping people set and hold boundaries since 2009 (the earliest days of Whole30), and is absolutely not a therapist. If you have a question for WWMUD, email hello@melissau.com. (Open to Subscribers only. Founding Member questions take priority, so please identify yourself as such in your email!)

I wish there was a place…

Since The Book of Boundaries came out, I’ve received hundreds of direct messages asking for specific boundary scripts and advice. I reply to as many as I can, but there’s only so much I can do with a thousand characters. Then, I received this message from Alysha:

Hi Melissa! Do you have any forums where your followers can go and get advice from you and one another? I have work boundary questions but can’t keep blowing up your DMs.

I immediately wrote her back with an idea I’d been kicking around for months: What if I created a private community where people could submit their questions and get personalized advice from me—but they could also connect with others in a safe space? We could talk about anything: boundaries, relationships, communication, fitness, parenting, Whole30; but also addiction, recovery, trauma, sex, shame—even skincare products, the Amazon sports bra that beats lululemon at less than half the price, and why I wear Converse in the gym (a question I still get weekly).

I began expanding on the idea in my journal: I could also use this space to share even more intimate stories—the stuff I’d love to talk about but aren’t ready to put on Instagram. I could also post book reviews of the ones I loved and hated (something I won’t do publicly), share my favorite local hiking trails (something else I won’t do publicly), and even host “interviews” with some of my famous friends, like Nora McInerny or Sharon McMahon. (I’m sure they’ll say yes?) AND there could be a discussion forum, where people could talk amongst themselves and with me around all of these topics!

WWMUD

I started working on this space a few months ago, but didn’t have a name until I was messaging with my friend Michelle Tam. She was joking about how much she needed The Book of Boundaries, so I offered to be her personal boundary advisor. She then replied, “I’m always thinking, WWMUD?”

I’ve received the same exact message from countless others: Steph (who set a boundary at a family party after her brother-in-law asked her, “What would Melissa Urban do?”), Brianna (who asked, “Are you selling WWMUD gear yet, because your advice is always 🔥”), and Jennifer (who wrote, “I’m having a big WWMUD moment holding boundaries!”).

So I thought, if I’m going to start an advice column… maybe I’ll just call it “What would MU do?”

What you’ll find inside

Melissa U is where you’ll find community, support, and affirmation in a space I’ll be building with you. Subscribers will have insider access, a safe place to connect, and experience the next iteration of XO, MU. (Which I’ll be continuing, every week!)

Here’s what you can expect:

• A weekly advice column. Subscribers can send in questions, and I’ll answer anywhere from 1-3 a week, depending on length.

• More intimate shares from my own lived experience every month. Here’s where I’ll talk about the things I’m not ready to share on social media yet.

• Hosted chats every week, where you can share your thoughts, ask for support, offer your own advice, and connect with others. (I’ll jump in too!)

• Book reviews, favorite products, hiking and restaurant reviews, and more.

There is so much potential on this platform, like podcasting (!!), writing collabs, guest articles, and more. As I’ve always said, all of my best ideas come from my community, so we’ll build this space together.

Subscribe today and get your first post straight to your inbox on Friday—I’ve got some great boundaries advice headed your way, and some grand-slam book reviews I’ve been saving just for you. Thank you for your support, your connection, and most of all, the amazing ideas (like this one!) that YOU have brought to the table. I look forward to chatting with you here.

XO MU

Dear MU, do you think boundaries are ever abusive or controlling? Example: If I needed to talk with someone because they upset me, and they tell me they can’t talk now but “maybe tomorrow” (which feels like they’re totally shutting me down), is that a boundary or are they controlling me? –Manipulated (maybe)

The simple answer is no, a true boundary is never about controlling someone else, and therefore by definition isn’t manipulative or abusive. But that’s not really what you’re asking, so let’s dive deeper.

Boundaries vs. manipulation

Boundaries are guard rails that you set around behaviors, communications, or energetic exchanges in an effort to improve the relationship and/or keep yourself safe and healthy. When setting a boundary, you’re expressing your needs in a clear and direct way. Boundaries are never punitive or controlling—but it’s sometimes not easy to tell the difference between a healthy boundary and an attempt to manipulate or control when you’re on the receiving end.

Using your example, say you ask to have a conversation with someone to tell them how their recent behavior was hurtful. They respond, “I can’t talk today, maybe tomorrow.”

In Scenario A, they recognize that they are still in a heightened emotional state around the situation and are likely to respond in a defensive or angry fashion—and that would hurt the relationship further. So they set a boundary around the timing of the conversation such that they can be in a better emotional space and respond from a place of grace and understanding. (Granted, they could have said it better, but the impact of the boundary will be positive when you finally do talk.)

In Scenario B, they’re mad that you’re mad, and they want to teach you a lesson about calling them out on their hurtful behavior. They choose to blow you off today as a punishment, perhaps thinking if they say no for a few days in a row, you’ll just drop it. “I can’t talk today,” they say, and feel like they “got you back.” This isn’t a boundary, this is manipulation—designed to shut down the relationship, not improve it.

The problem is, they can sound exactly the same.

I assume you want to clarify the difference between a healthy boundary and manipulation not just when you’re on the receiving end, but when you’re the one contemplating the boundary, trying to make sure it’s coming from a good place and effective. Here are some tips for both scenarios.

If you’re setting the boundary

Only the person doing the boundary-setting knows the true nature of their intentions, so if you’re the one contemplating a boundary, ask yourself:

• Am I asking for what I need in a clear, direct way?

• Will doing this ultimately make the relationship better and provide a safe space for me?

• Is this coming from a place of self-awareness and calm, grounded energy?

• If the other person respects this boundary, will I feel a sense of gratitude and renewed energy to find a solution?

If any of these answers are no—if you’re not asking for what you need, only telling them what to do; if it’s designed to punish the other person or teach them a lesson; if it feels defensive, impulsive or heated; or if it feels self-righteous or like “winning” when they comply—you’re not setting a boundary, you’re engaged in manipulation.

When you’re receiving someone’s boundary

When you’re on the receiving end of a boundary, however, it’s not as easy to tell where they are coming from, or if they’re even self-aware enough to know the difference. Here are a few thoughts.

First, wait and see, giving them the benefit of the doubt that they’re working in their highest interest. “I respect that you aren’t ready to talk about this right now. I think it’s important for our relationship that we do have the discussion at some point. Can I text you tomorrow to check in?” If you’re able to have a productive conversation tomorrow, then that speaks to the value they place on the relationship, and by respecting their boundary, you’ll have strengthened the relationship on your end too.

If they come back tomorrow (and the next day) saying they still can’t talk, then you may have to take another tact. Perhaps try another avenue for communication, like an email or letter. “I hear that you can’t talk yet. I’d like to share how I’m feeling because I want to preserve this relationship, but I want you to be able to process this in your own time. I’m going to send you an email tonight that you can read when you’re ready.” (Bonus, some people respond better when they have time and space to process privately, and this approach may lead to a more positive engagement.)

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Look to patterns

If they don’t respond at all, continue to blow you off, or respond to your feelings with defensiveness or counter-attack, here’s the cold hard truth:

Their response is not your business, and all you can control are your own actions. You are responsible to be conscientious of their feelings, but you’re not responsible FOR their feelings. Did you say what you needed to say in your integrity, phrasing what you needed for the health of the relationship or your own safety in clear and kind terms? Then you did your part. Now they get to respond however they choose, and it’s no longer your business what (if anything) they do with it.

Should you get the feeling based on patterns or observed behaviors that your relationship partner is stuck in manipulating or controlling mode, then perhaps you set parameters around how you choose to interact going forward, to protect yourself. Or maybe you have another honest conversation about how this pattern makes you feel, giving them a shot to self-observe and course-correct. Or, you simply accept that this person isn’t willing or capable of respecting your boundaries, and you’ll adjust the relationship in the best manner for your own self-care.

Whatever you choose, make sure you’re taking action in the best interest of the relationship and your health, and not continuing the cycle of punishing or controlling each other and calling it a “boundary.” I hope this helps you feel more confident than ever in setting and holding healthy boundaries.