Dear MU, I’m scared I’m going to be alone forever, but I’ve been in so many shitty relationships I don’t even want another one right now. I don’t even think there are good men out there. How do I build more confidence and get comfortable with being alone? –Taking a break
When I divorced, I spent two years purposefully not dating. I had given so much of myself away in an attempt to make my marriage “work,” I didn’t know who I was anymore. I knew if I tried to attach myself to a new partner like that, I’d end up covering up my empty parts with a flimsy man-sized patch. So I put myself on a dating moratorium, and did exactly the work you’re talking about above.
See, there are good men out there. Men who will take care of you the way you deserve, men who will support your goals and be proud of your accomplishments, men who want to show up in equal partnership. They’re out there. I know them! But you need a damn good filter to find them, and that filter is, “Do I like spending time with them as much as I like spending time with myself?” That’s the kicker.
Until you learn to love spending time with yourself, that bar will always be way too low. If you’d rather be with any man than take yourself to dinner, sit with your own feelings, or decorate your own house, then that’s who will keep showing up for you, and you’ll jump at the chance to distract yourself.
Until you learn to love spending time with yourself, that bar will always be way too low.
That doesn’t mean you live like a hermit and do everything alone. I don’t want you to be achingly lonely, I want you to know how to find comfort, joy, support, and contentment in your own presence.
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