How to say no without apologizing

You don't have to be sorry for holding healthy boundaries. Here's how you do it.

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I remember sharing a post on Instagram titled, “An extensive list of reasons to apologize when turning down an invitation, activity, or event.” Spoiler, there was just one: If you committed to go, but now you can’t. In this instance, you might want to apologize for letting the other person down or canceling late—but honestly, that’s it.

Of course, the natural follow-up is, “So how do you decline an invitation that you could attend but just don’t want to—without apologizing?” It’s been ingrained in women (especially in moms) that we have to apologize for everything. Saying no to a lunch invitation at work, not chaperoning every field trip, rejecting your mother-in-law’s “help” in the kitchen, someone bumping into us on the street—just existing makes us feel like we need to apologize. I’ve been actively trying to break that cycle for years now, and I know many of you have too.

So today I thought I’d outline a variety of ways you can decline that invitation, event, or activity without apologizing, just in time for summer. Because I want you to have the summer YOU want to have, without feeling like you’re just running around doing what everyone ELSE wants to do.

Pro tip: If you aren’t actually sorry, don’t say you are! That’s a lie, which is unkind, and studies show it often doesn’t make the other person feel better.

“Thanks for thinking of me”

“Thank you for thinking of me” is standard when I decline a podcast invite, speaking engagement, or other event. I do appreciate that I came to mind, so it feels genuine to thank them. The idea of replacing “sorry” with “thanks” is a practical tactic for over-apologizers. Instead of saying, “Sorry, I won’t make it this time,” you can say, “Thanks, but I won’t make it this time.”

A few other options after “thanks” might include “this isn’t the right fit for me,” “that’s not really my scene,” “I really need the night at home,” or “I don’t really like (that activity), so I’ll pass.”

Pro tip: Remember, clear is kind, so if this isn’t the kind of event you’d ever want to attend, you should make that clear. My friends no longer invite me to concerts, because I’ve been clear that crowds + loud noises + late nights aren’t my thing.

“Sounds like fun”

I use this one often with personal invites. I might say, “I can’t make it, but have so much fun,” or “That does sound fun, but I need to spend Sunday at home.” This lets you acknowledge the spirit of the event and wish them well, even though you won’t be there.

I also like offering an alternative if I want to remain invested, even from afar. I might say, “Ugh, you are the best dinner party host! I won’t be there for this one, but I’ll be scouring Instagram for the pics,” or “Your Early Thanksgiving is always the best. I can’t fly out for this one, but I’ll call you Sunday night so I can hear all about it.”

Pro tip: Please only use this approach if it really does sound like fun. If clear is kind, lying is unclear and unkind. If it really doesn’t sound like fun, try totally flipping the script.

“Hard pass”

Recently, a friend asked if I wanted to meet his life coach. He was gushing about her, and thought I’d really like her process. I straight-up said, “That makes me want to dig my eyes out with a rusty spoon.” We laughed, he got the picture, and I followed up with, “I appreciate the offer, but I’m not into specific goal setting like you are. I’m so glad she’s working well for you, though.”

Sometimes being honest but humorous gets the point across playfully, and ensures you don’t get a repeat invite (which “thanks for thinking of me” can bring on). Other things I’ve said here includes, “Absolutely not,” “Crowds like that are my worst nightmare,” and “That is way past my bedtime.”

Pro tip: Obviously, use these in the right context; I’d not use this the first time someone invited me somewhere. However, they can be highly effective in the right situation, and grant others permission to be clear in their communications.

Now that you’ve got three options for saying no politely, clearly, and without apologizing, here are three more pro tips to make sure you don’t mess up the good thing you’ve got going.

Bonus: Don’t give an answer until you know the question

Avoid the awkward “What are you doing Saturday night?” by pushing back with, “Depends. What’s going on?” That helps you avoid saying you’re free and feeling pressure to commit to something you may not enjoy. (It also keeps you from saying you’re busy just to play it safe, and having to backtrack when you hear the plans.)

Bonus: Don’t say “can’t” unless you can’t

Don’t use “I can’t” when you mean “I don’t want to.” Saying “I can’t make it” indicates that you might if you didn’t have a conflict—and now you’ve given that person an opening to dig, problem solve, or push back. (Or, you may have to make up a response to the inevitable follow-up, “why?”) This goes hand-in-hand with the next tip…

Bonus: Don’t offer an excuse

This is so tempting, but can easily backfire. When you offer an excuse, your friends may see it as a problem to solve—and then what will you do? “I can’t, I have to get up early tomorrow to work out,” turns into, “Oh, just work out later and I’ll go with you,” or “Just come out for an hour.”

As easy as it sounds to smooth over your decline with an excuse, you have to learn to let your “no thank you” stand for itself. You don’t need a reason, you don’t need an excuse, and you don’t need to apologize. If you need to hold this boundary for your own health, peace, or comfort—then hold it.

The more you practice this, the more you’ll feel and sense the weight your words carry. You deserve to give yourself what you want! And every time you say no without apologizing, you’ll gain a little more self-confidence.

XO MU

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