How to want to have more sex, part 1

You know it will feel good... but you just can't get in the mood. Here's what you might be missing, and what you can do about it.

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Dear MU,

Having sex when my mental health is off is a real challenge; at that point, sex is the last thing I’m craving. (Honestly, sometimes sex can be a challenge even when my mental health is good!) I’m curious if the drive comes naturally to you during these times? If not, do you have to tackle it like the gym, or give yourself a pep talk that this is a good thing to check off your wellness list? — Not in the mood

Hi, Not!

Rest assured, you’re not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. Sex is the last thing on my list when my mental health is off. Sex can also be the last thing on my list for other reasons. When you’ve got kids, a job, household management, time constraints, lack of sleep, life stress, financial stress, health challenges, distressing world news, and a host of other factors to contend with, sex can easily become an afterthought.

However, one of the hallmark symptoms of my flavor of depression is feeling disconnected. I’m not upset with my husband. He’s not annoying me, or mad at me, or pressuring me. But it feels like a Herculean effort to be emotionally available for him. (We’re talking, “I don’t even want sit on the same couch, never mind make out.”)

Paradoxically, however, sex is the one thing that can instantly bring me back. If I’m able to get past the barrier of my depression and get into the act, the spell breaks and I feel connected again. The depression isn’t gone, but if life was a video game, sex rejuvenates my character with a full heart meter. And that gives me more capacity to tackle other things I know would help—calling my therapist, cleaning, or going for a walk—all of which helps me lift my mood.

It’s the “getting there” that’s a challenge—but I’ve cracked the code, at least most of the time. Not begrudgingly, not resentfully, and not like it’s a chore I’m doing for him, but something I genuinely get excited for. We’re going to take this in two parts, because you’re gonna have some homework. Very. spicy. homework.

Definitions

These two terms are often used interchangeably, but are two different things. We’ll use them throughout the rest of the discussion.

Sexual desire: Also known as libido; having an interest in engaging in sexual activity. A mental process; how often you think about or want sex.

Sexual arousal: How excited or turned on you get when you anticipate sex or engage in it. A physical process, as evidenced by the changes that occur in your body and genitals.

Step 1: Know your Desire Type

In her groundbreaking book Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski, PhD discusses the two types of desire: Spontaneous and Responsive.

Spontaneous: Your partner gives you a look and says, “Hey, you wanna…” and before the words are out of their mouth, your brain says “SEX!” and you’re ready for action.

Responsive: You need a variety of factors that get your body in the mood before your brain catches up and says, “Yeah, I’m into this.”

Spontaneous desire is probably what you think sexy-time should be—the stuff they show you in movies and TV. It’s the couple exchanging looks across a party, then cut to them frantically ripping their clothes off in the host’s bathroom. Spontaneous desire comes (seemingly) out of nowhere, fans your flames fast, and can be triggered by something small. For the 75% of men who report this primary desire type, the mental desire to have sex comes first, which then triggers their physical arousal.

Most women, however, don’t experience desire spontaneously—we experience it responsively. Responsive desire comes as the result of “priming” activities—touching, talking, sexting, watching a sex scene in a movie, fantasizing—which first leads us to physical arousal, and then brings mental desire. To put it another way, we need to create the space and environment to stoke the flames of desire in our bodies first, rather than expecting the urge to have sex to hit us fast and furious.

Un-responsive

We’ve all experienced both types of desire, and we still might. Many people have a mix, and different seasons (like being newly divorced, pregnant, or on vacation) might flip your Spontaneous switch in a way it hasn’t in months. But if you’re primarily the Responsive type, it means you need to initiate the physical contact or foreplay before you feel desire, knowing that action will spark the actual arousal.

The challenges here are twofold: One, if you’re not in the mood to connect, initiating the closeness you need to even begin the process might feel hard. Two, even if you do make a move, if your partner is the Spontaneous type, they might not realize how much they need to slow down to let you catch up. Often, by the time you’re beginning to feel aroused, the deed is done, or they’ve become frustrated that you “don’t seem into it.”

That does sound depressing.

I’m mostly the Responsive type, especially when I’m under stress. Add mental health challenges to the mix and my lady parts just go offline. Still, I know sex would feel fantastic, plus it’ll help me kick off some of the heavy blanket of depression and disconnection, plus it’s good for our relationship (in that order). So here’s my approach to trying to try—not for them, but for us, because we deserve to feel good in exactly the ways that make us feel good.

Step 2: Know your Arousal Type

Whether you’re a Responsive desire type or a normally-Spontaneous desire type in a slump, the next step is to know the ways your body gets physically aroused. There are five Arousal Types, according to relationship and sex therapist Petra Zebroff, PhD:

Sensualist: You’re into erotic touch, sight, smell, sound, and taste. Making out, your partner’s touch, a musky candle, a sexy song, dirty talk, flavored massage oil, or the feel of silky sheets all turn you on.

Behavioralist: You have specific tastes and know what you like, and it often requires imagination and thinking about the act of sex. You may be into sex toys, porn, spicy books, erotic podcasts, role playing, and trying new things in the bedroom.

Intimate: You need to feel close to your partner—a deep emotional connection is what really turns you on. Long conversations, undivided attention, and sharing vulnerably gets you in the mood to connect physically too.

Attractor: You get turned on when you’re turning your partner on, and you like to feel pursued. You’re in sexy lingerie, a little teasing, taking the lead, making them wait—the more excited they get, the more aroused you get.

Equalist: You might be a mix of all four! Maybe different moods call for different forms of stimulation, or you just like exploring all aspects of sensuality.

Spend some time here, because if you don’t know what you like, it’ll be hard to take responsibility for your own pleasure and tell your partner what you want. Also, if you’re reading this in scrubby gym clothes, surrounded by dishes and laundry, feeling anything but sexy, this is totally fine and normal. All this means is you’re in a Responsive desire phase, and of course just reading this newsletter isn’t going to horn you up.

However, I guarantee something on the list above would start turning you on, if you set aside some time (either by yourself or with your partner) and locked the bedroom door. Just sayin.’

Homework

This week, I invite you to carve out moments to explore your Desire and Arousal types. This means purposefully setting aside the time and space to consider your preferences, experiment with various factors, and see what happens.

I’m not saying, “Use these as a means of having sex this week.” You don’t have to have sex at all. Zero pressure! This is about learning more about you—how your body responds, what feels good, what feels exciting, what you’re craving—without judgment or expectation. Removing sex from the equation takes the pressure off, although if any of this naturally leads to a solo session or an invitation to your partner, by all means run with it.

You’ll need to create space for this. It won’t happen organically between work, kids, housework, and bills. Go to bed toddler-early and journal, explore spicy erotica, watch Heated Rivalry for the third time, or browse sex toys. Send your spouse and kids out for groceries and use the hour to read more about arousal types and ideas for how to spark yours. Read Come as You Are and learn about “accelerators” and “brakes,” to help you identify where you may be feeling stuck. Or play with sensual bath, a sex toy, your own hands, or anything that could feel sexy—no judgment.

You can also use quiet moments to think back to days or singular sexual experiences where you were fully invested and highly aroused. What were the circumstances? What preceded the physical connection? What actions did you or your partner take that you still think about today? What would you be excited about recreating?

Even if your mental health isn’t top-tier, this isn’t heavy lifting, and there’s a good chance you’ll stumble over something that creates a spark. Even if that spark stays with you, even if it’s fleeting, there’s tremendous power and promise knowing it’s still there.

Extra credit

If you’re comfortable, you can also share some of this with your partner. Talk about what you’ve learned about Desire and Arousal Types, what you’ve discovered about yourself, and the time and energy you’re devoting to exploring your own sexuality—both for yourself and for the good of the relationship.

This conversation is a good time to mention you’ll be taking yourself to a hotel for a night/would like to send the kids to your moms on Saturday/need your partner to cover movie night on Friday so you can get some quality alone time. You’re doing it for you, but you’re also doing it for them, knowing that more physical connection would feel good to both of you. Ask them to help you create some space to explore this.

Also, every time my husband and I have had these kinds of conversations, it’s been hugely helpful. While we don’t always get the sex that one of us has been craving immediately, it feels good to connect on such an intimate level through our words, we both learn more about what makes the other person feel good, and it’s incredibly reassuring to know that each of you is taking responsibility for your own feelings, needs, and pleasure.

In Part 2, we’ll talk about HOW you can use your own Arousal Type to get primed for hot sex, with specific examples to try at home. It’s gonna get spicy around here!

XO, MU