Is your summer always over-booked?

Every year, it feels like all of my summer weekends are committed by May. How do I preserve some time just for me?

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Every spring, I get at least 12 comments or DMs that sound like this: “Please help me stop over-committing to plans with family and friends. I’ve said “yes” to every event, request, and gathering over the last few months… and booked up my whole summer. I have to figure out how to carve out some down time!”

My kid’s summer sports season starts next week, we have two birthday party invitations sitting in my in-box, my husband and I have two work trips planned (not together), and we’re already talking about when school starts in the fall. I HEAR YOU. Our seasons get booked before they even begin, and we end up committing Future Us to plans that seem reasonable today, but feel overwhelming three weeks from now.

There is tension between wanting to do All the Things and feeling super burned out; and saying no and feeling FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). Here are some self-boundary ideas to buy yourself some time and capacity to find this balance more organically. (And yes, I’m sharing this now so this summer can be different.)

Step 1: The Hell Yes

Is the invitation an immediate HELL YES? Then say yes right then and there. But listen—I’m not talking “that could be fun” or “I might be down for that.” It needs to be a “Holy crap, that’s my favorite band of all time/the destination I’ve been dying to visit/the friend I’ve been missing the most/a once-in-a-blue-moon gathering” kind of hell yes. My bar (and yours) here should be SO HIGH.

Step 2: The “I’ll get back to you”

If it’s not a hell yes, then this is the most important self-boundary you can set with yourself: “Thanks for the invitation, I’ll let you know by X.”

You don’t have to say yes right away! It’s a lot easier (and kinder) to say “I’ll let you know” than to say yes and cancel later. It’s rare that someone needs a response immediately—but if they do and it’s not a “hell yes,” then THIS IS A NO. (Try, “Ah, okay. If I’d have to commit right now, then it’s a no.”)

Buy yourself a minute (or a day, or a week) to confer with Future You and anyone else affected by your decision, and ask yourself the following:

• What else is going on that weekend, (or if it’s too far out, what else had you hoped to do that month)?

• What does that week or month at work look like—do you have big projects or deadlines coming up?

• What other plans are already set in stone, like a kid’s sports commitment or business travel?

• What could you be giving up if you did say yes? (A day of sleeping in, puttering around the house, and Netflix could be worth its weight in gold.)

• What other fun/rewarding things could you do instead if you said no? (Maybe it’s a hike, yoga and brunch, or finishing a home project you’re excited about.)

The key is to answer based on your current capacity, energy, and availability. Our brains tend to assume that Future Us will have more time, more energy, more capacity than we do today. But this is only true if we protect Future Us today. If we don’t, Future You will look as exhausted, burned-out, and over-committed as Current You. Just sayin’.

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Step 3: The “Yes, and…”

If you do decide to say yes, you’re now going to ask yourself, “Are there other self-boundaries I can set to help me enjoy this event even more?” Maybe you go but don’t drink, setting yourself up for a night of restful sleep and good energy the next morning. Maybe you go but set a hard stop, as my sister does: “I’d love to come, and my bedtime is 10 PM, so I’ll be there right as it starts.” Maybe you go but drive yourself, so if the vibe gets wild, you can see yourself home without much fanfare.

Saying “yes” to the thing doesn’t mean you have to automatically say yes to anything and everything that attaches to that thing. Your in-laws can stay with you for three days, but you don’t have to include them in everything (“I’m taking the dog for a walk—no, I don’t need company, I’ve got an audiobook I’m dying to catch up on,”) or sign your kid up for flag football, but say “no” to bringing snacks two weeks in a row (“I can’t manage that again this week”).

Step 4: JOMO

My last step: Write Future You a quick note right this minute. Describe how you feel today (anxious, burned out, exhausted, over-committed) and thank yourself for saying no and protecting your time, energy, and capacity in the future. Pull it out when you find yourself scrolling through social media, wondering why you didn’t just suck it up and say yes to that thing you didn’t really want to do, but you’re feeling FOMO with now.

When you decide to say no to the visit, turn down the invitation, or decline the event, remind yourself that you did so thoughtfully. You knew that the benefits to your mental health, happiness, energy, and capacity far outweighed the potential fun factor—so give yourself a high-five, get back on that couch, and remind yourself that JOMO (JOY of Missing Out!) >>> FOMO in this season.

XO, MU