Pass the politics, please

Green, Yellow, and Red (non-partisan) boundary scripts around politics for the holidays

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It’s been a long 2025, and once again, we’re heading into what promises to be a tumultuous year. Soon, your family will be gathering for the holidays—and you want to go, but you have hesitations.

If your family is divided in terms of politics, that subject can quickly turn a lovely dinner into a heated food fight. When asked about your holiday gathering concerns, political disagreement was your #1 response. Even if most of the family “stays out of it,” just two people arguing at the table means nobody is having a good time. And if you’re the “odd person out” in your family, you may be anticipating the anxiety of feeling attacked, ganged up on, or mocked.

Even if your family agrees on politics, what if you just don’t want to talk about it? We’ve spent months with politics dominating our social media feeds, news stories, and general conversations. It’s easy to fire each other up with shared outrage, the latest news, and general anxiety.

They don’t call me The Boundary Lady for nothing. Here is your step-by-step guide to boundary conversations around politics, using my patented Green/Yellow/Red framework.

Green, Yellow, Red

Each boundary script has three levels, based on the level of threat the boundary overstep poses to your relationship. (For more, see Chapter 3 in The Book of Boundaries.)

• GREEN: Low risk. It uses the kindest and most gentle language.

• YELLOW: Escalated risk. It’s more direct, in response to pushback or dismissal.

• RED: Highest risk. A Red script is the boundary itself—the action you are going to take.

Before the gathering

Speak to the host, your parents, or an influential family member ahead of time to discuss the event.

GREEN: “I have one request for Thanksgiving. You know that nobody has fun when we start talking politics. Can we agree to leave politics out this year, and make sure everyone sticks to it?”

If they agree, create a plan to notify everyone else and hold the boundary on the day-of. Your parents can spread the message, and the host can greet everyone at the door with, “My house, my rules—no politics today.”

Tip: One reader said she brought an air horn to her holiday gathering, and any time someone brought up politics, she blew it. (She said it was highly effective while adding some levity.) Another said that once she shared the boundary with her siblings, they were so relieved that they helped her hold their other relatives accountable. Still another said even after communicating the boundary, a relative showed up to the event wearing a political t-shirt… and her dad told them, “Go change if you want dinner.”

If the other party doesn’t agree, it may sound like this: “I can’t dictate what other people talk about, and your Uncle Chad can’t help it.” Feel free to push back a little: “You actually can dictate how people behave when they’re in your house, and Uncle Chad is an grown man. We need to set a new precedent—you know it will mean much less stress and drama.”

If they still decline to commit to this plan for the family, it’s time to move into day-of planning. (You tried your best!)

Tip: If the host doesn’t agree but you know other family members feel the way you do, reach out to them directly. If enough of you say, “We don’t want to hear about politics either,” you stand a much better chance of holding that boundary at the table. (Or you can create your own politics-free "table” in another room.)

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In the moment: Green and Yellow

No matter how the initial conversation goes, you’ll still need phrases for those who haven’t yet heard, choose to test your limits, or get caught up in the heat of the moment. Apply your version of these Green scripts when someone brings up politics in general company (like when you’re at the table).

GREEN: “Oh, stop—this is going to start a fight, and nobody wants that. Can we please change the subject? Uncle Chad, are you still golfing, or is it too cold now?”

GREEN: “Noooo… I’m going to say this once. If we’re going to have a good day—and I’m sure that’s what Mom and Dad want, after working so hard on this meal—we need to change the subject.” (Change the subject.)

GREEN: “One request—can we agree not to talk about politics while we eat? I want us all to enjoy the meal Ben and Jess made for us. By the way, Jess—this green bean casserole is delicious! Where did you get the recipe?”

Best case scenario, your family changes the subject. (They may grumble about it or say something snarky, but if they actually change the subject, just move on.) If you’re outnumbered, folks just want to keep going, or it comes up again out of habit, you need to escalate.

YELLOW: “Nope—we agreed, no politics. Moving on…” (change the subject)

YELLOW: “Of course you can talk about whatever you want. But this isn’t what I want for my Thanksgiving.”

YELLOW: “Got it. If this continues to come up, I’ll excuse myself.”

Tip: You stand no chance of holding your boundary if you engage in the discussion—even a little. Uncle Chad taunts you with something inflammatory. In the heat of the moment, you share something inflammatory as a rebuttal. Now you’ve overstepped your OWN boundary—and nobody will take you seriously when you say you don’t want to talk about politics. Keep a cool head and refuse to be baited.

In the moment: Red

You need to have your Red boundary planned, just in case. Maybe your family agreed “no politics,” but Aunt Carol has had one too many eggnogs and just can’t help herself. Maybe you’re the only one in your family with a certain viewpoint, and you’re bound to be outnumbered. Whatever the circumstance, you need to think about the actions you are willing and able to take to preserve your peace—the Red boundary.

RED: Excuse yourself from the conversation and engage with other family members. Initiate a game, turn on football, round up folks for a walk, or encourage another group activity to shift the energy.

RED: Excuse yourself from the conversation and do something on your own. Take a walk, play with the dog, start washing dishes, or make a phone call outside.

RED: Excuse yourself from the table. It’s up to you whether you take your plate and eat elsewhere, or just go to the bathroom for a short break.

RED: Calmly say goodbye (or don’t, if that will only draw more insults) and leave the event/dinner/gathering.

Remember, boundaries can’t tell others what to do. You can’t stop folks from talking about the latest news—but you can choose not to be present for it. It gets trickier when you’re at the table with food on your plate, but you should still have a back-up plan. That plan might include suffering through dinner to make your mom happy, then leaving right after. It also might mean pushing back your chair, thanking the host for their efforts, and walking right out the door.

The important thing is to stay calm and keep it kind (even if you want to unload). Your Red boundary is self-care, not retaliation or punishment. You can’t control how your family chooses to behave, but you can control how you choose to react. Be clear in your communications, but please keep it kind (or at least civil), even if they don’t.

Closing words

Many of you have told me that “boundaries” aren’t in your family’s vernacular and politics is their favorite subject—so you already know how this is going to go. If the idea of spending the holidays with them is filling you with dread, anxiety, or anger—you could just not.

Opting out preemptively may be the healthiest thing you can do for your relationships. Making other plans may give you the sense of comfort and acceptance you’ve been craving. At the very least, opting out ahead of time means you won’t make things worse by blowing up at Uncle Chad (and everyone else) while your mom cries into the mashed potatoes.

Tip: If you’re hosting, it’s also 100% within your right to choose your own guest list—and how other people feel about it is not your business. If you know Uncle Chad really can’t help himself, don’t invite him. You deserve to have the gathering you want, and if others don’t like it, they can host their own event.

I hope these boundary scripts make you feel more confident heading into your holidays, whatever they look like. Is there a politics, current events, or social scenario I didn’t cover here? Share it in comments—I’m here to help.

XO, MU