How to deal with passive-aggressive behavior

Three direct (and still kind) tactics that WILL work

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We’ve all been on the receiving end of a passive-aggressive comment:

• "Well, as long as you like it…”

• “Your presentation was surprisingly well!”

• “Must be nice to be able to have so much time to hike.”

• “I was going to call but you’re always so busy…”

• “Wow, you’re sensitive today. Never mind.”

• “I guess I’LL take the trash out” (while stomping around loudly).

The American Psychological Association defines "passive-aggressive" as "behavior that is seemingly innocuous, accidental, or neutral but that indirectly displays an unconscious aggressive motive.” It’s frustrating to have to navigate this kind of communication, as it’s the exact opposite of my Book of Boundaries communication mantra: Clear is kind. Still, if you’re in conversation with someone who doesn’t (or won’t) share their feelings or needs in a direct fashion, you can still take action.

Here are three tactics that have been successful in my own life for navigating passive-aggressive behavior. While you can’t solve this communication issue on your own, these are all a good starting place. (At the very least, they will shift you away from participating in their dysfunctional pattern.) However, a therapist can help you navigate these conversations with recommendations more specifically tailored to your life and relationships.

Tactic 1: Address the undertone

Let’s say you’re faced with, “Well, as long as you like it…” Instead of responding to the words, address the tone and what was left unsaid (“I don’t like it”) in a calm, curious manner.

If you asked for their opinion (“What do you think of my new jacket? I just bought it.”) you can laugh and say, “It sounds like you might not like it—that’s okay! We can change the subject.” If you didn’t ask for their opinion, call them on their tone: “It sounds like….”

Them: “Your presentation went surprisingly well!”
You: “It seems like you didn’t expect that it would. Why is that?”

Them: “Must be nice to be able to have so much time to hike.”
You: “Wait—it actually sounds like you’re upset or frustrated. What’s going on?”

Them: “I would have called, but you’re always so busy.”
You: “It sounds like you’re frustrated. Can we talk about that?”

Sometimes, directly acknowledging the undertone (which they intended to fly under the radar) is enough to get them to speak more directly about how they feel. They may have wanted you to ask them about how they feel but didn’t know how to be direct about it. Now that you have, it’s possible they’ll share more openly. And when you respond to what you’re sensing from a place of calm, grounded energy, it can change future communication patterns.

However, they may not want to address the undertone, because in their minds, it was supposed to stay UNDER. So you may be faced with “I didn’t mean anything by it—you’re so sensitive,” or “I’m just saying, you did a good job.” (To which you simply reply, “Okay,” and move on.) This tactic often isn’t enough to shift the pattern, but at the very least, it does let them know that you’ll call them on their sneaky subtext, which is a start.

Tactic 2: Address the pattern

This is the advice I hear most commonly offered, and sometimes it works. During a calm, peaceful moment, pull the person aside and share what you’re experiencing when it comes to your pattern of communication. (Bonus tip: Do this on a walk, a drive, or a moment where you’re naturally sitting or standing next to each other, instead of face-to-face. Psychologists say this side-by-side dynamic can feel less confrontational or threatening, which can lead to a better outcome.)

Keep your communications clear and kind, and stick to what you’re observing, instead of a judgment of the person or their actions. Instead of, “Why are you always so snarky?” try, “Sometimes I notice an undertone to your words—like what you’re saying doesn’t match how you really feel. Like when you tell me you’ll take out the trash, but when you do, it seems like you’re mad about it. When I notice that, it’s hard to know how to respond. Can we talk about it?”

Sometimes—rarely, in my experience, but sometimes—offering support and compassion instead of judgment or anger or frustration is enough to break through the other person’s walls. I’ve found myself on the receiving end of this conversation with my sister and saying, “Ugh, you’re right—I’ve been really frustrated that/upset at you because/jealous of you when… and it’s making me respond like a snotty brat. Sorry.” Conversation likely opens up after that, and you may be able to start on a fresh foot going forward.

However, it’s equally possible that this person isn’t capable of having an introspective, self-aware conversation like this. You may be able to spot this pattern within them, but perhaps they aren’t. If they haven’t learned communication skills or gone to therapy to learn how to process uncomfortable feelings, they’re likely to feel attacked and respond with resistance, confusion, defensiveness, or anger, which leaves you frustrated that they just can’t see how they are contributing to your relationship or communication issues. Still, it’s worth a try.

Tactic 3: Address their words, without subtext

This third tactic ignores the undertone completely and only responds to their words, as if they said it sincerely instead of passive-aggressively. It assumes backhanded compliments are just compliments, and refuses to ignore the subtext within their text.

This approach can be highly effective, especially in the moment and if repeated consistently, but must be implemented carefully. You have to be in a calm, grounded state, not one in which you’re frustrated, angry, or vengeful. It sounds like this:

Them: “Your presentation was surprisingly good.”
You: “Thank you so much! I’m thrilled at the response, appreciate the compliment.” (Change the subject)

Them: “Must be nice to have so much time to hike.”
You: “It really is—I’m grateful for my flexible work schedule.” (Change the subject)

Them: “I would have called, but you’re always so busy.”
You: “I understand, no worries.” (Change the subject)

If you refuse to play into their passive-aggressive nature, there’s very little motivation for them to continue. They WANT to get a rise out of you. They WANT you to respond. They WANT the extra attention. So if you just don’t, you take away their fuel.

This approach also sends the message that if there is something they want to say to you, they need to SAY IT, because that is how emotionally mature grown-ups communicate. Until they tell you there is a problem, you don’t see a problem—and you’re certainly not going to pick it up and take it home with you like they hope you will.

Bonus: If you respond like this in front of other people (again, without malice or meanness, just matter-of-factly), it also serves to call out what they’re doing more starkly, and might make them rethink how often they want to come off like that in front of their colleagues, family, or friends.

Mix and match

Between these various tips and tactics, you should be able to navigate passive-aggressive comments or behaviors more confidently, and change at least some of these relationship patterns.

Committing to your own clear, kind communication and working on improving your own emotional regulation and compassion will also help you stay calm and cool, even when all you want to do is roll your eyes and flash the finger. (Yes, that finger.)

XO, MU

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