The divorce mindset that changed everything

It was wildly stressful. I was also unshakably happy.

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Every few months, I do an “ask me anything” on Instagram. I always get great questions, commentary, and feedback. Last month, this question came in: “How did you stay grounded during your separation and divorce?”

Though it was more than 10 years ago, I remember that time period well. (It’s actually seared into my memory, as highly emotional events tend to be.) I wasn’t only divorcing my son’s dad, we were going through a business split too. The marriage had proven unexpectedly volatile and incredibly painful. It was disorienting, destabilizing, and profoundly challenged my sense of security and self.

To say it was stressful is an understatement. But I clearly remember the exact moment when that stress, anxiety, and fear morphed into calm, confidence, and dare I say… joy.

I was sitting on the couch after my son had gone to sleep, watching Netflix and working on Whole30 social media. It wasn’t a special moment, or even a moment of reflection or introspection—and yet, I had a blinding flash of insight.

“I never have to settle for any of that ever again. I can build my life exactly the way I want now.” I felt it settle deep in my core, where your body recognizes and embraces the truthiest of truths.

That thought changed everything. I went from having bad dreams that we were still together and navigating all of the ways our marriage was rotten to a sense of profound happiness and optimism. We were not yet divorced. None of the business paperwork, custody parameters, or divorce terms had been finalized—not even close. I knew we still had a year or more of painful, difficult work ahead. And still, I felt lighter than I had felt in years.

I had spent those years working so hard to make the marriage work. Over time, I gave away pieces of myself, to try to conform into the shape our relationship had taken. I came into the partnership a confident, accomplished, secure woman. Looking back, I didn’t know where that person had gone. I had shut down my intuition, overlooked and tolerated so much, and pushed my feelings and needs aside just to keep the marriage going.

Who was this woman, who would allow <waves hands around> all of this? It happened so gradually, and I was led so deliberately, that I didn’t realize how much I had betrayed myself until it was over.

And now it was over, or soon would be. And it hit me all at once—I could now return to that person. The strong, confident, independent woman I was. I could build my life exactly the way I wanted, with my job, my son, my friends, and my hobbies. I didn’t have to invite a man into my life again if I didn’t want to.

But if I did, I would never again settle.

I would never again tolerate lying, manipulation, or any level of infidelity. I would never again make excuses for my boyfriend to friends and family, or try to justify his behaviors. I would never again play small just so he could feel bigger. I would never again spend even a moment with a man who made me question whether I was enough.

That realization felt like freedom. And it grounded me through the painful moments to come, until I signed the very last paper more than a year later.

Was it hard? Yes, incredibly. Did I cry myself to sleep on the nights I didn’t have my son, or the days I wondered how I’d manage it all by myself? I sure did. But not once did I look back—not once. And knowing I was in full control of how I showed up (and with whom) saw me through every challenge, every argument, every fear.

If I’m going to take a chance on anything in life, I’m going to take a chance on me. So bet on you. Return to you. Build your life exactly the way you want. I don’t mean “become rich” or “quit your job.” I mean this:

• How do you want to show up in life?

• Who do you want in your life?

• What do you want to pursue?

• Where do you want to spend your energy?

• How do you want to cultivate safety, comfort, joy?

Using this as my touchstone, I was able to genuinely say my divorce was one of the most stressful periods of my life—but also one of the happiest. I wish you the same.

XO, MU

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