Stop forcing. Don’t stop rowing.

How to pursue what you want without gripping the outcome.

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I was speaking with a friend in the middle of a big life transition. She got divorced last year, after which she quit her job and moved to California. She has a lot on her mind—dating in a new city, the next phase of her career, and recovering from the stress of her marriage ending.

She’s been on a few dates, but none had chemistry. She started a promising new job, but quickly realized the environment was toxic. She’s put herself out there socially, but making friends in a new city is hard.

“I think I’m going to give up the dating thing, stick it out in my job for at least a year, and maybe slow down on the activities. I feel like I’m trying to force things. It’s obviously not happening right now, and I think I just need to let it all go and whatever happens, happens.”

I replied, “Are those your only two options?”

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There’s a traditional Russian proverb that goes something like this: “If you find yourself in the middle of a storm, pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.”

When decisions feel too big or life feels overwhelming, I’m a big fan of giving it up to God. I take genuine comfort knowing I’m not facing this alone, and I have faith that the universe will steer me in the right direction, even if it’s unexpected.

If that was all I did, though, I’d be passively floating through the ocean, counting on God to make it all happen. I don’t believe that’s how the universe works. I can’t just sit around and expect a new job, a new partner, or a new friend group to fall into my lap. I have to actively pursue those goals, tuning in regularly to my intuition (nudges from God/the universe) to guide me.

At the same time, I can’t force my will onto the universe either. Sometimes, the harder I push in one direction, the more resistance I feel. It’s like slogging through molasses; everything feels harder than it should. That’s when I have to ask myself: Is this hard because it’s challenging me to grow—or am I trying to force something that isn’t meant for me right now? When I tap into my intuition, I know the difference.

Rowing takes effort. Rowing against the tide is something else.

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I asked my friend, “What is one thing that would make you happier right now?” She immediately said, “Finding a new job. I’d have much more energy, I’d meet a whole new group of people, and I’d feel like I can finally settle in here.”

We talked about how she could row in that direction while leaning into her relationship with God. By the time we hung up, she decided to update her resume, reach out to a few recruiting firms, and make a list of her “dream job” companies. (I love a good manifestation.) We also talked about how she can make her current job less stressful, so she’s not desperate to make something (anything—maybe the wrong thing) happen. In fact, we identified a “Hail Mary” she could pose to management that would make her ten times happier (and more successful) in her current role. The worst they can say is no, and she’s already living that reality.

This is rowing the boat without forcing an outcome. She’s open to the idea of staying in her current role if some things changed. She’s open to the idea of applying for a different title, or looking in a different city. She’s telling friends in the industry she’s quietly looking.

And then she’s giving it up to God—and making sure she’s ready when he nudges.

She’s decided not to focus on dating—right now, it feels like too much effort. And instead of focusing on finding friends, she’s choosing activities that bring her joy. She joined a “read and sip” club at a local bar, and is taking tennis lessons. If she makes friends there, great! If not, she’s getting to know her new city and enjoying her downtime.

What could you give up to the universe? Where are you rowing against the tide? And where might you need to pick up the oars?

XO, MU