Three mindset shifts when you feel self-conscious

"Everyone is looking at me," she said, after walking into a new yoga class. Let's tell a different story.

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“I’m so nervous to walk into my new Pilates studio. I think everyone there will be looking at me and judging me. I went once, but the thought was so intimidating, I haven’t gone back.” —A direct message on Instagram (one of many of this nature)

This is common in any physical activity, even if there is no “class” environment. You can experience this sensation running through your neighborhood, hiking on a trail, tossing a ball with your kid in the pool, or paddle boarding at the lake. You may notice this feeling in non-physical activities too, like speaking up at a meeting.

That “spotlight effect” (where we assume everyone is watching and evaluating us) shows up all over the place, especially when we’re doing something new, vulnerable, or outside of our comfort zone. You feel like your skill or competence is being judged. You feel like an outsider; like you don’t belong. And you’re worried about failing, falling, or otherwise embarrassing yourself.

As someone who falls down in the gym regularly, is the slowest runner on the road, and has proposed some truly bad ideas in meetings, I get it.* As a kid, one of my report cards said, “Melissa doesn’t like to try anything new unless she knows she’ll be good at it.” I clung to that philosophy for many years—until I realized how much it was holding me back from doing things I really wanted to try.

Here’s how I got unstuck, ditched the “spotlight,” and told myself a different story.

*Aside: I don’t feel “othered” the way many do, simply because of how I was born. Thin privilege (literally genetics) allows me to enter any fitness space and feel like I belong. I can run slow as hell, and online trolls don’t give me the same kind of sh*t they give to runners in larger bodies. I can speak up in a meeting with the confidence of my white privilege, knowing I am oppressed only by mediocre white men. It’s going to be easier for me to shake off this spotlight effect than it will be for others, because others are being judged for their skin color, bodies, and ability (to name a few). I just want you to know that I know this, and will do my best never to assume this process will be “easy” for anyone else.

You have to suck

The first mindset shift that really worked for me was remembering that (with few exceptions) everyone sucks when they start something new. That super-fit intimidating woman at the gym? At some point, she was in here lifting her first weight, awkwardly and with bad form. That guy in an effortless headstand once took his first yoga class, and had no idea what down dog should look like. That ultra-successful CEO I admire once told me about the CFO he personally hired who went on to embezzle millions of dollars.

The way you get good at something is by sucking, then doing it again, getting better, and repeating. I give this advice to my kid all the time. Algebra, throwing a football, swimming, drawing—yeah, you’re not good right now, but how do you think you’re going to get better? It took me far too long to embrace this myself, but now that I have, it’s a whole new world! I’ve started running again, learned to solve a Rubik’s cube, picked up a ton of new movements in the gym, and spoken at events I would have been too nervous to say yes to in the past.

Flip the script: Picking up something new at any age is such an admirable quality! It demonstrates curiosity, a zest for life, a commitment to self-growth, and the active pursuit of health and happiness. Seeing someone else try is also hugely inspirational! I don’t care how long it took for you to run that marathon—you ran a freakin’ marathon! And now I’m wondering if maybe I could do that too.

“I’m not afraid to try something new. The act of trying is admirable, and I deserve to do things I think will make me happy. You never know who I will inspire by trying!”

Nobody cares

I use this one all the time in fitness environments, because if you stop and look around, you’ll see it’s true. Nobody is paying attention to you. Everyone is fully self-absorbed. At the gym, I’m only looking at myself in the mirror. (Or I’m zoning out between sets, which may look like I’m looking at you, but I’m not.) In a yoga class, I’m keeping my eyes on my own mat (or in the mirror). When I’m driving, I barely notice someone running; I’m focused on the road, the other cars, the light, and my music.

You think there’s a spotlight on you, but truly, there isn’t. Think about the last time you were driving, in the gym, or paddle boarding. Were you looking around at everyone else, critiquing their form, speed, or grace? Nope. Honestly, nobody cares, which gives you the freedom to do whatever you want, as long as you’re not getting in someone else’s way.

Flip the script: The more attention you’re paying to everyone else, the more it’ll feel like they’re watching you too. People are self-absorbed. You can be self-absorbed too! Focus on your own practice, your own form, your own creativity, your own joy.

“I’m not the only one trying here. Everyone is focusing on their own thoughts, bodies, and experience. I deserve to do that too, for my own pleasure and progress.”

Why do you care?

Have you heard the saying, “Nobody doing better than you is going to go out of their way to criticize you?” Spoken from experience, that’s true. I’m aggressively confident in a few areas of my life, and it would never occur to me to watch, judge, or criticize someone else in that space. Why would I?

Have you also heard, “Don’t accept criticism from anyone you wouldn’t ask for advice?” That one is true too! That super-fit girl in the gym who definitely gave you a dirty look? No matter how she looks, she ain’t doing better than you—because if she was, she’d not feel the need to be snarky. Also, you don’t want her advice anyway! I would never take advice from someone who thinks it’s okay to be unkind to strangers.

Flip the script: They. Don’t. Matter. These aren’t your friends, your mentors, or your bosses. Their opinions mean literally nothing in your life. They may try to be judgey or look down on you, but you don’t have to pick that up. Let their pile of stinking judgment turd drop to the floor in front of them (where it belongs) and go about your business.

“What other people think of me is not my business. If they don’t matter, then I don’t mind—and I don’t have to give my energy to anyone I don’t want to.”

Tell a different story

This one is so powerful, if you can manage it. The reason that “other people are looking at me” is so stressful isn’t because people are looking at you. It’s the story you’re telling yourself about why they’re looking at you. “They’re judging me. They think I’m dumb. They think I don’t belong here.”

The truth is, that’s just a story you’re making up in your head. You don’t know why they’re looking at you (if they’re looking at you at all). So if you’re going to tell yourself a story about it, why not make it a more neutral or positive one? They’re all made up. Choosing to tell yourself something mean isn’t being kind to you. You’d never do that to a friend! So interrupt the process and narrate something different.

Flip the script: The next time someone looks at you, tell yourself, “I’m new here, and new people are interesting.” Tell yourself, “People love to people-watch; I do too! No big deal.” Or maybe they’re thinking, “I love her outfit,” “I’m new too, I wonder if I should say hello,” or “She spoke up, so now I feel empowered to speak up too.”

“The story is the stressful part. If I really think about it, what actually happened? Someone looked at me. So what? I was looking at them too!”

Apply as needed

You can mix and match techniques, use different techniques for different scenarios, or progress from one to the next as you get more comfortable. And if someone really is judging you—like, they say to your face, “Hey, I’m judging you. You look like you don’t belong,” the “why do you care” technique works equally well here. (A flat, “Weird. Okay!” and then carrying on would work well here, if this ever happens. Which it won’t, let’s be real.)

I want you to have the courage to try something new, because it feels exciting and empowering, and it’s great for your brain. Use these mindset shifts to start doing the thing, and keep doing the thing.

XO, MU