Three steps to more successful therapy

From someone who's successfully used therapy to recover from drugs, process trauma, unpack relationship baggage, get re-married, and not be so depressed

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I have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon; the same person I’ve been seeing since 2020. I’ve had a journey with therapists. My first real relationship began nearly 24 years ago, when a counselor was randomly assigned to me in my inpatient rehab unit. He turned out to be exactly who I needed. I’d go on to work with him off and on for 20 years, first meeting with him in person, then scheduling phone sessions when I moved from New Hampshire to Utah.

At 7 months pregnant, my last marriage train-wrecked, and I was in crisis. My therapist recommended I transition to someone locally for in-person sessions, especially if we were going to try couple’s therapy. I started seeing a more traditional therapist, and began working with a second practitioner who was trained in Byron Katie’s The Work. I saw both once a week for two years, usually alone but sometimes as a couple, right up until my separation. Once the marriage was over, I attended therapy less often—and then took a break for a few years—to focus on my life transition.

When I was ready to return, I didn’t want to see the same therapist my ex-spouse and I had visited together—I needed fresh energy. So I held a few “interviews” and found a new local therapist to start my life fresh. I’ve been seeing her regularly ever since.

Having so much experience with therapy, I thought I’d share three things I’ve learned along the way that have helped me make the most of my personal growth and healing.

Note: I recognize there is tremendous privilege in being able to attend regular therapy sessions. I share resources for finding a therapist and various accessible options in this free article.

1. Go when things are good

Much like you’re not motivated to fix a leaky roof when it’s not raining, it’s easy not to go to therapy when things are going well. But my strategy has always been “start therapy before you really need it.”

I started seeing my new therapist in 2020 because I wanted to create a plan for integrating Brandon (my then boyfriend/now husband) into our home smoothly. We weren’t in crisis, our relationship wasn’t suffering—we didn’t even have a date for the move-in. This was a proactive measure to make sure I didn’t carry any old baggage into our cohabitation, and identify the important conversations we needed to have before he moved in.

By starting early, I was able to share my history, current context, and goals with my therapist in a relaxed fashion. We weren’t getting to know each other while trying to put out a fire, and this made a huge difference. Later in the year when the shit did hit the fan (in the form of seasonal/pandemic depression), my therapist and I already had trust, a comfortable relationship, and enough history to hit the ground running.

Summary: Even if you meet less frequently to start, developing a relationship with a therapist before you need it will help you navigate those difficult times much easier and more effectively.

2. Keep going after the initial relief

I’ve observed this pattern in myself and a few people I’m close to: You go to therapy, talk through your issues in a session or two, and immediately feel better—so you stop going. Three months later, you find yourself in the middle of the same breakdown all over again—and calling your therapist to say “help?”

It’s like paying the minimum on your credit card bill. Yes, you can buy yourself an extra $50 of credit, and it feels good not to be at your limit. But if an unexpected $100 charge comes in, you’re already overextended. (And even if it doesn’t, the “interest” creeps up on you.)

This is especially true if you find yourself navigating the same conflict over and over, whether it’s a crisis of self-worth, relationship issues with a family member, or the same “I need more participation” argument with your spouse. Letting off a little steam in therapy is good, but continuing to do the work after you feel that initial relief is where the real magic happens. Therapy happens in layers, and you can’t just continue to scrape off the topsoil and expect your foundation to change. You need to be willing to dig in and get to what’s been buried underneath. (There are some mixed metaphors in this section, but go with it.)

Summary: Stick with therapy after the initial relief, so you can more thoroughly process what’s happening, what’s underneath, and how to navigate it successfully.

3. Take breaks from therapy

At this point, you’ve established a relationship with your therapist, talked through your issues, processed your feelings, and developed a variety of coping tools. Eventually, it’ll be time to take what you’ve learned into the real world and apply what you’ve learned—and that’s an important step, too.

It’s like physical therapy. The point of PT is to rehab you to the point where you no longer need regular appointments—and you won’t continue to make progress if you don’t test your newfound strength, stability, and skills on your own in the real world.

You may feel more comfortable doing this while maintaining a relationship with your therapist, even if your visit frequency is dramatically reduced. Touching base once a month or every few months is a good way to stay on your therapist’s client list and integrate recent experiences into treatment.

I prefer to take long breaks from therapy. This helps me effectively judge how well I’ve absorbed the work we’ve done and gives me the opportunity to use those skills on my own. Plus, I can’t do self-work all the time. It’s emotionally taxing and energetically draining, and I need time off. Even if I’m not 100% “there” with an issue, taking time off once I’ve reached a new level of understanding and readiness helps me move forward in real life. It also allows me to spend more energy in other restorative practices, which can go a long way towards improving my mood and outlook.

Summary: Decide with your therapist when it may be time for a break or a decrease in session frequency, and discuss how you can continue to feel supported during your time apart.

Therapy success

After spending months learning new strategies for effectively managing my energy, communicating my needs more clearly, and navigating someone else in my space, I told my therapist I was going to take a month or two off from therapy and road-test my skills. Brandon moved in later that month, and it went beautifully. (Not perfect, but I was able to apply what I’d learned in therapy to move through the small, inevitable conflicts quickly and effectively.) When I returned to therapy, we were able to celebrate that win and transition into a deeper discussion around the relationship and other topics.

If you’ve ever thought, “I might like to start therapy, but I don’t know if I have enough to talk about,” or “I’d probably benefit from therapy, but things feel pretty good now,” this is your sign. Start early, build a relationship, keep going even after the initial relief, then trust yourself and your skills enough to take what you’ve learned back in the real world.

Do you have a therapy tip you’d like to share? Maybe you’re a therapist who would like to offer encouragement to others! Share in comments.

XO, MU

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