What is AQ, and why you should cultivate it

A new quotient bombshell has entered the villa, and it's basically a super power

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We all know IQ (Intelligence Quotient), which measures cognitive abilities like memory, logic, and verbal comprehension. Most of us know EQ too. Emotional Quotient (or Emotional Intelligence) is the ability to name, understand, manage, and use emotions effectively.

Now, thanks to Liz Tran’s new book, a new quotient has entered the chat… and you’re going to want to pay attention. Meet AQ, or Agility Quotient.

AQ is the ability to handle change, uncertainty, and the unknown. These are skills you’ll use to manage stress, solve problems, and tackle crises at home, in the workplace, and in relationships.

The concept comes from Liz Tran, author of AQ: A New Kind of Intelligence for a World That’s Always Changing. Her book is focused on AQ in the workplace, helping you navigate instability, uncertainty, and the resulting burnout. But AQ skills are valuable everywhere—in relationships, finances, and certainly emergencies.

And it’s a skill I’ve been working on for years, before the idea of “AQ” ever hit my radar.

Steady as a rock (until I crash out)

Professionally, I’d like to think I’m great with stress, change, and things going wrong. I’m quick to pivot, with an attitude of, “This is happening, YES we can get this done, here’s what we tackle first.” I’ve run such a lean team for so long that we’re all pretty used to pivoting on a dime, rearranging content plans, and spinning up last-minute projects quickly. At work, I also remain steady and reassuring where others may get anxious or negative.

Personally, however, it’s another matter.

Brandon noticed this when we first started dating. I’d say, “Let’s leave at noon” (to run errands, go to the farmers market, or head to the park with the kid). These were trips with no deadline; we didn’t have reservations, we weren’t meeting other people. I just had an idea that we’d leave at noon.

Then we’d hit a snag, and by 11:59 AM I would be irritated, anxious, and obvious about it. We had a plan. This is not the plan. Cue the crash out.

I don’t know why I had such an AQ discrepancy between my work life and home life. I don’t know why, when it doesn’t matter at all whether we leave at noon or 11:55 or 12:10, I got disproportionately upset when things didn’t go exactly the way I expected them to go in my head. But I did, and Brandon quickly figured that out too.

This didn’t just happen when we were running late; it also popped up with any plans I made inside my head. We’d go to the gym, hit Roots for breakfast, then head to the park. But Roots had an unexpectedly long wait—and now I’m spiraling. I had these “perfect” plans in my head, and a monkey wrench in the works felt like a major crisis. (Just to me, of course, because I was the only one with a very specific vision of The Plan.)

A day of reckoning

During moments when I wasn’t crashing out, Brandon would talk to me about what he was observing, and how it was affecting us. When I leapt from calm and excited to tightly-wound and angry, those emotions seeped into everyone else. Making my family swim in my anger and negativity was not fun for anyone, and it certainly didn’t help us get out the door faster.

Much of the time, however, the “snag” was all in my head. “It’s like you have this idea of how every single minute is going to go, and you get thrown off or disappointed if anything disrupts that,” Brandon said to me. He was right. In truth, 99% of the time, it literally did not matter that things went slightly “off-plan.” And forcing everyone else to adhere to a strict timetable that only lived inside my head wasn’t fair to them—or to me.

This came to a head one Saturday when we were trying to get out the door to paddle board. For one, I’m always anxious about summer outings. I want to leave early, because what if it’s crowded? What if there’s no parking? Despite the fact that hundreds of people figure this out every single weekend, the parking situation always gives me anxiety. (P.S. Not once have we arrived at a lake or trailhead and not been able to park.)

On top of leaving early, we were going to take two cars because we had a few kids with us, and a lot of stuff. We got the cars all packed up, then realized Brandon’s car battery was dead. Immediate crash-out. We were going to be late! It wasn’t going to fit! We might as well not go! On this occasion, my stress dial turned all the way to 11, and I was beside myself with worry and frustration.

Brandon physically took me by the shoulders, turned me around, and told me to go inside. He was calm and kind, but he meant it. So I did. Six minutes later, he came inside to get me. Everything was packed—a tight fit, but it fit. The kids were in the car, snacks and water at the ready. And we were ready to go, just like that.

That was the moment when I firmly decided, I will not do this anymore. Not to myself, and not to anyone else.

My AQ Improvement Plan

Thanks in part to Brandon’s interventions, I was able to quickly identify potential triggers and notice the second I felt my calm starting to slip. Ironically, I now needed a plan for when the plan went sideways. I created tactics to help me reframe the situation, self-regulate my emotions, and improve my agility in the face of change, disappointment, and challenges.

Here’s what I do now, when the plan in my head isn’t coming together perfectly IRL:

1. Remind myself, “It doesn’t matter.” This was a self-imposed, arbitrary deadline. We cannot be ‘late’ because there is nothing to be ‘late’ for.

2. Go “worst case scenario.” This is the fastest, most effective way out of my spiral. What’s the worst that could happen? We’ll have to park farther away. We’ll get there at 3:20, not 3:00, which affects literally nothing. We’ll find another place to eat. Uh, that’s it? Yes, that’s it, Melissa. This is NBD.

3. Take several deep breaths. A physical action helps me remember that crashing out won’t get us out the door faster—and in fact will likely prevent our smooth deployment. Even if it did help, we’d all get into the car stressed and annoyed, which is the opposite of the intention. Chill, and you’ll all be happier.

4. Reinforce this out loud. This helps me, but it also helps Brandon see he doesn’t now have to manage both me and the situation. “All good, we’re not on a deadline here.” “Take your time, we’re not on a schedule.” “Getting stressed isn’t going to help. We’ll get there when we get there.”

Brandon has told me several times (gratefully) that I’ve become much better about handling changes and challenges. I can feel a difference, too. And now that my son is older, I like setting this example for him. We were late for school the other day—he woke up late, forgot to get socks, couldn’t find his laptop. It also happened to be a traffic-y day due to construction. “I’m going to be late,” he worried. “Maybe,” I replied, “But getting stressed isn’t going to make traffic go any faster. And if you are late, it’ll only be by a few minutes, and I’ll call the school to excuse the tardiness.” We ended up arriving on time, with zero persons stressed or cranky. Big win.

Much like EQ can be learned and improved, so can AQ—and it’s a worthy pursuit. Challenges, curveballs, and change are a certainty in life. Building the skills to navigate these scenarios with calm, grounded energy and acceptance will benefit you (and the people around you) across the board.

The quiz

In the book, Liz offers four archetypes for AQ: The Neurosurgeon, The Novelist, The Firefighter, and The Astronaut. The book details high-level descriptions of each, but you can take the quiz here (it’s free). I came back a Firefighter, which mostly resonates, but some aspects were way off; I think I’m a blend of Firefighter and Astronaut.

How high would you rate your AQ? Is this a skill you’ve been working on, or something you’d like to cultivate? Leave your thoughts in comments.

XO, MU

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