WWMUD: My friends won't speak up, and it's hurting our relationship
Help yourself by helping your friends learn to set and hold healthy boundaries
Dear MU, I’m really struggling with the “nice” nature of my extended friend group. They never want to speak up… about anything! For example, if I suggest a restaurant for a group dinner, no one will say that it’s out of their budget or that the menu isn’t a good fit, but then we get to the restaurant and they complain, or just order soup with a pointed look. I can’t keep up with 10 people’s preferences! How can I get them to start setting their own boundaries? —Tired of mind-reading
This issue includes material from my newest book, The Book of Boundaries, and a bonus narration so you can listen to it like a mini-podcast! Upgrade your membership today and unlock all of my articles, bonus features, and chats—it’s just $6 a month, or $60 for the year.
The short answer is that it’s not your job to manage your friends’ needs, feelings, or boundary-setting. My Relationship Golden Rule says, “Say what you mean, and trust your conversation partner to do the same.” When you propose that new sushi place downtown and your friends say, “That sounds good, let’s do that,” you need to trust that they’re saying what they mean.
Everyone has a phone. Everyone could say, “Oh, let me look at the menu and pricing first.” Everyone could say, “I’ll let you know tomorrow, I want to make sure they have gluten-free items,” or “I’m not feeling sushi,” or “I’d like something closer to the office, can we look in the south part of town?” If they choose not to, that’s not your problem.
Of course, this is often easier on paper than it is in practice. I’m imagining you’ve had conversations in which your friends said one thing, but meant something else—and you didn’t guess or pick up on that, which led to resentment, frustration, or conflict. You feel bad, they feel uncomfortable or end up going along with it resentfully, and you’re left wondering what you did wrong.
The answer is nothing—you are not a mind-reader, and you are not responsible for managing your friends’ feelings or boundaries. But there are a few practices you can put in place to encourage and facilitate the Relationship Golden Rule, such that it becomes firmly established in your friend groups, and these “mind reading” expectations become a thing of the past.
Step 1: Model the first half
The first half of the Relationship Golden Rule is, “Say what you mean.” By modeling this for your friends, you’ll give them permission to do the same. When they say, “How about sushi,” you can reply, “I’m on a tighter budget this week, can we go somewhere less expensive,” or “I’m kind of off sushi right now, I’d prefer something else,” or “Yes, but not that place on Main Street—last time I was there, it wasn’t very good and really overpriced.”
Speak your mind, do it kindly, and if the rest of the group really wants sushi, be transparent in your decision: “Since that’s what the group wants, I’ll join—spending time with you is more important than what we eat,” or “How about you do sushi and I’ll meet you for the next lunch? I’d rather not strap my finances right now.”
By saying what you mean,, you’re now showing your friends what it means to communicate clearly, and you remove the potential awkwardness or discomfort away from the decision. (You may be surprised that speaking up gives others permission to do the same immediately! And they also might thank you for going first.)
Step 2: Encourage the second half
While you aren’t responsible for your friends’ needs, feelings, or boundaries, you can encourage them to share clearly with you in a way that might help them feel more comfortable. The next time you propose sushi, you could say, “I’d love to go back to that sushi place downtown, but not everyone loves sushi, and that place is more expensive than our normal spots. Be honest—I’d rather switch restaurants and have everyone be happy and comfortable.”
You can also share pertinent information about various choices, if you know they may be relevant to some. Parents may appreciate you saying, “This place doesn’t take reservations and the line can be quite long—if people would rather get in and out on more of a predictable schedule, just say so.” Friends who are saving up for a new house might appreciate a heads-up on menu prices, and those who don’t like loud crowds may want to know if there’s a live band that night.
If after all of your encouragement and disclaimers, nobody speaks up to voice their dissent, your work is done. You can’t beat their feelings out of them, and if they wanted to speak up but chose not to, that is not your problem, and you shouldn’t carry any of the burden of what may come of their decision. Still, you do want to address it.
Step 3: Handle the aftermath
If you discover that people were uncomfortable speaking up—but that led to frustration, anxiety, anger, or resentment down the line—address it head-on, gently but clearly. “I hated that we got to the restaurant and you were uncomfortable. I wish you had told me that the environment wasn’t what you were looking for. I know it can feel weird to be the one to speak up, but I’d rather change locations and enjoy ourselves, and I know the others would too. And if we all had our heart set on that bar no matter what, at least then you’d know, and you’d be able to opt in or out without feeling like you had to hide your feelings.”
Finally, when all of this starts to work and your friends do begin sharing their needs or feelings, receive them gracefully, especially in the beginning. The last thing you want is to react defensively or abruptly, shutting down the conversation (and this new communication pattern) before it even begins. Yes, you might be annoyed that Ann never wants sushi, but that’s not Ann’s problem. You now know to either plan a sushi dinner without her, or agree that spending time with Ann is more important than where you dine.
By setting and holding your own boundaries clearly and kindly, you’ll give others permission to do the same, send the message that you’re a safe person to share their needs and feelings with, and start to shift the communication patterns of your entire group. But remember, you can’t do it for them. The only person’s needs, feelings, and communications you’re responsible for here is you.
MU
Melissa Urban has been helping people set and hold boundaries since 2009 (the earliest days of Whole30), and is absolutely not a therapist. If you have a question for WWMUD, email hello@melissau.com, or reply to this email. (Open to Subscribers only. Founding Member questions take priority, so please identify yourself as such in your email!)