You'd never guess I eat these 7 foods
The Whole30 Lady doesn't just eat Whole30, and these have reliably proven "worth it"
This issue is sponsored by LMNT electrolytes—a Food Freedom necessity
I recently posted an Instagram Reel about road trip food, and how Pretzel Combos, Twizzlers, and Arizona Iced Tea are only appealing in the car on the way home.
That video prompted many of you to say, “It’s reassuring that you eat like this too.” Uh, yes. My Cadbury Creme Egg tradition has been going strong for over a decade, my love of Justin’s Peanut Butter cups knows no bounds, and just a few weeks ago I wrote a whole newsletter about how I still use food as comfort. I am no stranger to the lure of a DoorDashed Santa Barbara Char burger with extra-crispy fries, and after 14 years of Whole30, my “worth it” analysis is almost always spot-on.
But it got me thinking… what are some other things I enjoy regularly that might surprise you? Let’s dive in to my Top 7 Foods That You Will Rip from my Cold Dead Hands Because They Bring Me So Much Joy.
1. Magic Shell
This is number one for a reason. I have been eating Magic Shell since the 80’s and it hasn’t changed a bit, god bless Smuckers. I will only eat the Chocolate, not the Chocolate Fudge, unless it’s an emergency. (If other flavors exist, I don’t know them.) I don’t particularly like ice cream, so in this instance, whatever pint my husband brings home acts solely as a Magic Shell Delivery Mechanism. The key is to microwave it (with the top off) for 10 seconds, then shake it thoroughly to ensure a consistent coating. If you don’t squeeze extra to the side of your ice cream to form a thick, delicious crust along the bottom of your bowl, what are you even doing with your life.
I am aware that “healthy Magic Shell” recipes exist. This is blasphemous and I will block you immediately if you tag me in one.
2. Smith’s Private Selection Extreme Moose Tracks Ice Cream
I know I said I don’t like ice cream, but when I tell you how I eat this, it will all make sense. My dad introduced me to Smith’s brand Moose Tracks a few years ago, and ONLY the Smith’s brand will do. It has these huge, thick ribbons of fudge running through the ice cream (kinda like Magic Shell), and those are the primary draw. When my husband buys me a carton and it’s light on the fudge ribbons, I get very upset. (He should know better.)
How to Eat Smith’s Private Selection Extreme Moose Tracks Ice Cream: Pick through the actual ice cream and scoop out all of the big chunks of fudge ribbon. There is almost always a huge piece of fudge running right across the top. That is how they get you. Sometimes this involves digging through the entire carton so you can get to the bottom layers. Leave no fudge track untouched. After that, pick out all of the mini-peanut butter cups in the mixture. When you are excavating, the carton looks like a crime scene and it’s just plain chocolate ice cream. Then, you can ask your family if they want any. Obviously, I never put Magic Shell on Moose Tracks.
3. McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundaes
I know I said I don’t like ice cream, but this isn’t ice cream. It’s not even dairy, is it? I don’t really know what goes into this dessert, and I’ve never tried to Google it so please don’t ruin it for me. The only way to order is hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge, no nuts because I’m a purist. The kids at my local McDonalds REALLY come through with that extra hot fudge and somehow manage to keep their machine functional far more often than the national average. (I have left them all in my will.)
It’s best eaten immediately, but if you need to hide it from your spouse or child you can pop it in the fridge (not the freezer) for an hour and it’s still delicious. Best enjoyed with the plastic spoon it came with. Ideally you’ll ration your hot fudge so you don’t ever get a bite of plain “soft serve” (play along).
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4. Butterfinger (minis only)
My mom either loved Butterfingers or hated them. I can’t remember which, but “Butterfingers” left an imprint. These have big-time Halloween vibes for me, as I remember trading all of my Jolly Ranchers for one of my sister’s Butterfingers at the end of the night. Jolly Ranchers are still gross.
As an adult, I have switched from the full-size candy bars to bags of the Minis. The chocolate-to-filling ratio is ideal on the Minis, and though I don’t buy these often, when they’re right, they’re right. I tend to eat all bite-sized candy in 3-4 bites, which annoys my husband tremendously. I also feel satisfied eating just one Mini and putting the rest of the bag back in one of my food treasure hiding spots. If I don’t hide them, someone will eat them until they’re gone, and then a week from now I’ll want one and it won’t be there. A small bag of Butterfinger Minis can last me an entire month. Divorce is expensive. I will continue to hide them.
5. Peanut M&Ms
I don’t enjoy Peanut M&Ms unless they’re tossed in a bowl of hot buttered popcorn. I literally never eat one outside of this context. The size, texture, and contrasting flavors of this particular M&M mix perfectly with fresh popcorn, lots of butter, and tons of salt. Regular M&Ms are too small and sink to the bottom of the bowl. Plus they tend to melt, which is gross. Don’t even speak to me about Peanut Butter M&Ms. As far as I know, there are no other flavors of M&Ms, and if there are, keep that to yourself. Pop your corn, add melted butter, salt liberally, and toss in a handful of Peanut M&Ms. You’re welcome.
6. Tins of Christmas popcorn
I am not talking about those fancy popcorn tins you can customize with elevated flavors like Pad Thai or Cheddar Jalapeno. I’m talking about those cheap, round metal tins you see at CVS or Homegoods. Have they been there since last year? Maybe. Are they meant for an office party or a family to enjoy? Absolutely. Am I bringing one home to eat by myself over the course of my two-week Christmas break? Yes I am.
I don’t know why they fill one of the portions with “butter”—that is wasteful because we are all here for the caramel and the cheddar. I enjoy these almost as much as the homemade Muddy Buddies my parents’ neighbors make every year at Christmas, which I am forced to share with my dad because he really likes them too and I can’t hide special food that technically doesn’t belong to me. Nobody wants my dusty-ass CVS popcorn and I am A-OK with that.
7. Lindor Truffles
You know these—they’re red, gold, or silver-foiled bags of little chocolate balls (“truffles” if you’re fancy). You can find them at any drug store, but I usually get them at Target because they’re fresher, which means the chocolate in the middle is gooey. I always get the Ultimate 8-Flavor assortment so it’s a surprise every time I pull one out.
I enjoy all the flavors but white chocolate, so for the past two years I’ve used psychological warfare to convince my son that he loves white chocolate. I get rid of them, and he feels like he’s stealing my most-prized pieces—it’s a win/win. I eat one almost every day. Just one. Not because I limit myself, but because one of these is a delightful, perfectly-sized bite (that I eat in 3-4 bites) and I honestly don’t ever want a second one. I also pack a few of these on every trip because I also want to eat one in my hotel room at the end of a long day of media or adventures. They travel quite well.
“Guilty pleasures” are not a thing
Finally, a word: I may get a stomach ache, a breakout, or an energy slump after eating my fill of Moose Tracks. What I never get, however, is guilt. There is no guilt when it comes to food. Food is not moral. No foods are “good” or “bad.” We are not moral when we eat food. We are not “being good” or “being bad” based on what we choose to eat.
When it comes to food, there is nothing to feel guilty about, and you can politely refuse that sensation whenever it pops up. In fact, I encourage you to do so, as a practice.
Now, I invite you to share the foods you hide from your family, because we all do this, right? XO