10 things I find embarrassing even though objectively they are not

The title says it all.

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First, if you aren’t embarrassed, it’s not embarrassing. I live by this credo. As such, I have taken potentially very embarrassing scenarios and decided not to be embarrassed by them.

• A beaded hair extension slid out of my hair and floated to the floor right in front of a man at the gym. He looked horrified, probably assuming I had radiation poisoning.

• That time I moved out of the way on a plane, not realizing there was a little step up to the seats, and fell ass over teakettle into the row. Like, I FELL fell, all the way to the ground, and he had to help me up because of how awkward a position I was in. (Luckily nobody was sitting there yet.)

• Just last week, I forgot the term “memory consolidation” in a podcast interview with a longevity expert. When the words wouldn’t come, I said, “you know—brain stuff.” (If you hear that podcast once it comes out, please laugh along with me.)

However, there are everyday actions I do find embarrassing, so I am very careful when I perform them. Objectively, there is nothing embarrassing about these things. Telling myself that does not help; I don’t make the rules.

1. Walking my dogs when a car is coming towards us

What if my dogs pull me towards the car? What if I trip walking? What if I drop the phone, coffee, or poop bag I am holding? Am I walking okay? (Like, in a straight line, with a normal gait, and good posture?) If a car comes up behind us, I do not care. This is only when the car it coming towards us. Once I dropped both pup cups in the street right in front of a man walking his dog towards us. This was not embarrassing, Had he been in a car, I would have been mortified.

2. Pulling into an automatic car wash

It’s positively diabolical to make me fit my left front tire into your tiny little track. If you really wanted me to nail this, you would have made the approach straight on. Instead, you force my SUV into the tightest possible corner, then immediately expect me to straighten out the wheel while fitting my tire into a guide that has very little clearance. I JUST KNOW the teenage attendant is judging me as he points his finger to the left or right. I pretend I can’t see him once I’m in neutral. I know he can see me.

3. Picking up my dog’s poop

Everybody’s dog poops. Everybody picks up their dog’s poop, because we are good citizens. But if I ever pass someone picking up their dog’s poop, I avert my eyes. It feels too intimate. I would appreciate the same courtesy, especially if I’m trying to balance a tray with an iced decaf and two pup cups while picking up said poop, and you’re in a car coming towards us. (We’ve established this.)

4. Reading a card while the person watches you read it

I don’t care if it’s three words, I would like to read this card in private. This is especially true if it’s a long handwritten message. My face cannot maintain a delighted expression for this long. What if I start to smile, but the message is more serious and I have to fix my face halfway through? I am going to start saying, “I will read this with my back to you, it’s more meaningful that way.” They will be too confused to argue. My son is the only exception, because he is the exception to basically everything.

5. Walking up stairs at the gym

My balance isn’t always great, especially when I’m tired or my concussion symptoms flare. Will holding the banister make me look elderly? Should I be walking up the stairs faster? We are at the gym. Maybe I should be jogging? I could also take them two at a time, because they’re not very tall. But that might look unnecessarily aggressive. Damn it, someone just beat me to the stairs. Now I need to walk very slowly because otherwise I’m looking at their butt. But is someone behind me? I’m definitely holding the banister.

6. Sneezing in public

I recognize sneezing is an involuntary physical reaction, but I will do whatever I can to hide it. If I can suppress it, I will, even if it looks like I’ve had a tiny seizure. Sometimes that doesn’t work, and then it comes out so strangely it draws even more attention, and nobody knows whether to say “bless you” or not. If I have to sneeze-sneeze, I’m horrified. I want to stand up and yell, “I’m NOT SICK someone’s perfume is just VERY INTENSE.” Thank god I’m not a multiple sneezer, I might not ever leave the house.

7. Someone stopping by without calling

Unless my home is immaculate (right down to the dog treat cabinet) and I am dressed for a keynote speaking event, please do not just “stop by.” This happens often, however, because my husband’s friends are always borrowing or returning camera equipment. I try to hide but he always says, “Babe, come meet Matt,” and then I have to accept the fact that his friend thinks I am a “before” in What Not to Wear and my house has been recently robbed, because why else would it look like this? The only upside is that when I see this friend again during a night out or an event, he is stunned by how attractive I actually am (by comparison). Maybe this one isn’t so bad.

8. Using the big shopping cart

I am just one person shopping, therefore I need the half-size cart. If I have a big cart, I’m certain it looks like overkill. Why is she planning to buy so much food? What kind of foods take up that much space? Not vegetables. Those are small. Is it toilet paper? Toilet paper is SO bulky. How much is this person sh*tting? Also, how am I going to fit this cart down the aisles with other big carts? There will have to be these awkward “I’m going to squeeze through,” then I can’t squeeze through, then our carts get stuck together. Smaller carts are like the Porsches of shopping carriages. And even if my small cart is piled to eye-level, it’s still holding less than a half-full big cart. We don’t need to test this theory.

9. Using a shopping cart with a bum wheel

I always test the carts, but sometimes the squeak, shake, or noise doesn’t show up right away. Everyone is looking at me. I can’t even pick the right cart. This was the worst at Target, because I’m already buying shit you know I don’t need. I want to apologize to everyone I pass, even though it’s the store’s responsibility to ensure their cart wheels are aligned and well-greased. This is why I like Trader Joe’s. The only cart is the kid-sized, which I am clearly too tall for (even though it’s the perfect size), so I use my reusable shopping totes to carry my purchases.

10. Jogging/running in normal clothes

I ran an errand not far from my house last week. I had to cross a very busy multi-lane road to get home. There is a crosswalk, but it was a block out of my way. I decided to wait for a break in traffic and walk. I saw the break, started to cross, then noticed another car had pulled into the street. I had to jog to make it safely. I was wearing jeans and sneakers, but I was carrying a purse. I would do anything to not run with a purse. If I’m jogging in street clothes, I want to look athletic. I am a runner. I want you, in the car, to know that jogging across this road feels effortless for me. You cannot be athletic with an oversized navy suede purse. I should have used the crosslight.

What am I missing?

Are there things not on my list that you find terribly embarrassing? Please share so we can either feel better that I’m comfortable with that, or add yet another thing to our own lists.

XO, MU