Before we bought this house we had separate accounts. We lived together in his house and I used to transfer him "rent" which was just an agreed upon amount of money and then he paid for everything (bills, groceries, fuel, insurance etc). It worked out really well!
Now we have everything joint and we both bring in the exact same amount of money. We do bank account audits from time to time to make sure we know where our money is going - but he goes for coffee every morning with his friends or goes riding etc and I buy art supplies and as long as we are both happy and being reasonably considerate, it works out great!
We do have a spare room that he will sleep in if necessary but I always stay in our bed no matter what because it upsets Maxy if I'm not there. We do go to bed at very different times (me 730-8pm, him 11-1130pm) but once I'm asleep there is no bothering me....unless Maxy cries - that whimper gets me up like a firecracker!
I would say our relationship is unconventional in the sense of how much time we spend together. And we spend a LOT of time together; do most errands as a team, he will drive me wherever I want to go, we eat all meals at home together, coffee and tea time are together etc. He sits at the island before dinner while I cook, I sit at the island after dinner while he cleans up. I love it and would not have it any other way.
My husband and I have separate bedrooms and sleep separately every night. I sleep well and that’s a win for both of us. I don’t even blink an eye talking about it anymore.
I am a firm believer in that there is no norm when it comes to marriage. I think if more partners did what worked for them, they would be happier. Instead of trying to conform. I love the fact that the two of you maintain your independence.
I feel so seen! We’ve been married a long time - 27 years this fall (side note, what is time???). We’ve had our own bank accounts from the beginning. Out of necessity when we were younger, he’s a pilot and would leave on short notice for charter trips. We had so little money that if I paid a bill while he was away and he ended up having to buy dinner in an expensive town, we’d overdraft. So separate accounts made life so much easier. When we weren’t so broke as we got older, we simply split the bills based on the percentage we each made of our total income. Now that we’re even older, we still have our own accounts. Everyone’s name is on everything, and has been from the beginning but his account is his and mine is mine. We’ve always had our own credit cards too. I don’t look at his statement, he doesn’t look at mine. We talk about our finances and goals regularly which has been important. We each just have more autonomy in the details.
We also sleep in separate bedrooms when one of us is sick. He’s gone every other week for his work, so I basically have the house to myself half of the month. Well me and our two dogs. We travel independently too. For us, each having a lot of room to be ourselves and do our own thing has had a lot to do with staying together as long as we have. Our set up is unconventional and not for everyone (we also don’t have kids on purpose) but it’s worked for us.
We’ve each had it once but didn’t get it from each other. We both got it traveling (he in fall 2023 and me just last Aug) on trips without the other. Sleeping separately and quarantining ourselves in a bedroom meant we didn’t share it with the other once we did catch it though.
What are some games that are good for playing while eating a meal? I'd love to incorporate that with my husband instead of us eating dinner in front of the TV.
Thank you very much for this post. I am in a 4yr relationship (after getting out of an unhealthy 20-year marriage) and sometimes I get in my head about how we do things differently and aren’t *always together* for leisure/fun time. I know I don’t need anyone’s permission but it was still so validating to hear this! Whatever works for us is great. 👍🏼🤗
our family has been considered unconventional too:
- we didn't have family dinners due to schedules
- my spouse and I have separate bedrooms and have had for years - he's a horrible sleeper - very restless and snores and has a different work schedule and sleep schedule than I - so we elect to have separate sleeping rooms - I used to feel weird about it but the more people we talk with about it, the more people, especially women, think it is an awesome idea! I love it - I sleep so much better.
- we have joint accounts for bills and household savings and separate accounts where our fun money can be spent without judgement
- I love to travel - he loves the IDEA of travel but hates to actually travel - so I have traveled alone or with the kids or friends or my mom for years - he buys motorcycles and guitars with his 'travel' money - it works
My partner, of 11 years, and I have always slept apart. Our sleep is one of our most important priorities. I go to sleep early so I can read beforehand, and I often get up earlier too. He owns the house so I pay him my share of expenses. I don’t want the responsibility of a house. And I don’t want to be married. I did own half the house but sold it to him during the pandemic. This arrangement suits me better. It’s still my home, and I enjoy taking care of it. Our finances are completely separate. I travel, and he prefers not to. We often share meals. In the morning, over coffee, we play the NYTimes games: Wordle and Connections, look at Real estate, and read our horoscopes. It’s so fun! When my daughters were young and I was married (31 years and I’m so glad it’s over), dinner was the time we connected. I loved to ask the about their day. My ex-husband and I shared the mortgages, bank accounts, and credit cards. It was a nightmare. He hid money, and took what didn’t belong to him, and criticized me for grocery purchases (I always had a full time job and a few part time jobs as well). Autonomy is the key I think. However you want to work it. My married daughter has her own bank account and co sleeps with her children. Her husband sleeps in a different room. They respect each other’s choices, are honest, and don’t have any need to control each other. I love it that we can work this life how we see fit. But I’m not going to talk to my mother about this because she’d freak, lol.
Purple is a brand in the US of mattresses, pillows etc.....they're supposed to be really good. I think she's just saying they put really good pillows in the guest room too because they value that space as an alternate sleeping spot for one of them.
My husband and I are divorcing and the mediator said it was one of the easiest financial settlement conversations she’d ever seen. We have always had separate bank accounts because I entered the relationship broke and full of student loan debt after grad school, whereas he went straight into the workforce after HS and had built up his savings and income. Having the ‘what’s yours is yours and what’s mine is mine’ mentality through the entirety of our relationship has made this difficult and emotional process very easy.
I was surprised that people could be so passionate about sending your hubby money or vice versa it seems so normal and a non thought topic for those of us that just do it. I couldn’t imagine not as he often picks things up for me. We used to have separate bedrooms and at first it felt strange but I quickly enjoyed the peaceful sleep and now we don’t have the extra room and I miss my own sleeping space. Definitely on the agenda for when and if we move.
Thank you! I always love your transparency and YCIAWYW! I love both sleeping with and not sleeping with my husband, depending on the circumstances too. I've also gone to bed mad, which everyone told me to avoid. We've been together for 29 years and IDGAF what others think either. How refreshing! I would tell a new bride that YCDIAWYW. That is the key to marital bliss. XO!
My husband and I each have our own account and cards. We do have a shared account for the mortgage, groceries, gas etc. But we have NEVER had a fight about money b/c we each manage our own. I don't need to know how much he has spent on camping gear and he doesn't need to know how many different pairs of jeans I have purchased to fit my new perimenopause body. We don't Venmo each other - we just use Zelle between our accounts :D so same same??
I love this one so much. I saw a Tiktok yesterday about a couple that had their own bedrooms and the comments were overwhelming thrilled for them lol
Before we bought this house we had separate accounts. We lived together in his house and I used to transfer him "rent" which was just an agreed upon amount of money and then he paid for everything (bills, groceries, fuel, insurance etc). It worked out really well!
Now we have everything joint and we both bring in the exact same amount of money. We do bank account audits from time to time to make sure we know where our money is going - but he goes for coffee every morning with his friends or goes riding etc and I buy art supplies and as long as we are both happy and being reasonably considerate, it works out great!
We do have a spare room that he will sleep in if necessary but I always stay in our bed no matter what because it upsets Maxy if I'm not there. We do go to bed at very different times (me 730-8pm, him 11-1130pm) but once I'm asleep there is no bothering me....unless Maxy cries - that whimper gets me up like a firecracker!
I would say our relationship is unconventional in the sense of how much time we spend together. And we spend a LOT of time together; do most errands as a team, he will drive me wherever I want to go, we eat all meals at home together, coffee and tea time are together etc. He sits at the island before dinner while I cook, I sit at the island after dinner while he cleans up. I love it and would not have it any other way.
My husband and I have separate bedrooms and sleep separately every night. I sleep well and that’s a win for both of us. I don’t even blink an eye talking about it anymore.
I am a firm believer in that there is no norm when it comes to marriage. I think if more partners did what worked for them, they would be happier. Instead of trying to conform. I love the fact that the two of you maintain your independence.
I feel so seen! We’ve been married a long time - 27 years this fall (side note, what is time???). We’ve had our own bank accounts from the beginning. Out of necessity when we were younger, he’s a pilot and would leave on short notice for charter trips. We had so little money that if I paid a bill while he was away and he ended up having to buy dinner in an expensive town, we’d overdraft. So separate accounts made life so much easier. When we weren’t so broke as we got older, we simply split the bills based on the percentage we each made of our total income. Now that we’re even older, we still have our own accounts. Everyone’s name is on everything, and has been from the beginning but his account is his and mine is mine. We’ve always had our own credit cards too. I don’t look at his statement, he doesn’t look at mine. We talk about our finances and goals regularly which has been important. We each just have more autonomy in the details.
We also sleep in separate bedrooms when one of us is sick. He’s gone every other week for his work, so I basically have the house to myself half of the month. Well me and our two dogs. We travel independently too. For us, each having a lot of room to be ourselves and do our own thing has had a lot to do with staying together as long as we have. Our set up is unconventional and not for everyone (we also don’t have kids on purpose) but it’s worked for us.
Sleeping in different bedrooms when sick is an absolute must and is the reason I have avoided COVID twice.
We’ve each had it once but didn’t get it from each other. We both got it traveling (he in fall 2023 and me just last Aug) on trips without the other. Sleeping separately and quarantining ourselves in a bedroom meant we didn’t share it with the other once we did catch it though.
My husband and I also sleep separately. It’s amazing, and I don’t think we’ll ever go back!
What are some games that are good for playing while eating a meal? I'd love to incorporate that with my husband instead of us eating dinner in front of the TV.
Thank you very much for this post. I am in a 4yr relationship (after getting out of an unhealthy 20-year marriage) and sometimes I get in my head about how we do things differently and aren’t *always together* for leisure/fun time. I know I don’t need anyone’s permission but it was still so validating to hear this! Whatever works for us is great. 👍🏼🤗
our family has been considered unconventional too:
- we didn't have family dinners due to schedules
- my spouse and I have separate bedrooms and have had for years - he's a horrible sleeper - very restless and snores and has a different work schedule and sleep schedule than I - so we elect to have separate sleeping rooms - I used to feel weird about it but the more people we talk with about it, the more people, especially women, think it is an awesome idea! I love it - I sleep so much better.
- we have joint accounts for bills and household savings and separate accounts where our fun money can be spent without judgement
- I love to travel - he loves the IDEA of travel but hates to actually travel - so I have traveled alone or with the kids or friends or my mom for years - he buys motorcycles and guitars with his 'travel' money - it works
My partner, of 11 years, and I have always slept apart. Our sleep is one of our most important priorities. I go to sleep early so I can read beforehand, and I often get up earlier too. He owns the house so I pay him my share of expenses. I don’t want the responsibility of a house. And I don’t want to be married. I did own half the house but sold it to him during the pandemic. This arrangement suits me better. It’s still my home, and I enjoy taking care of it. Our finances are completely separate. I travel, and he prefers not to. We often share meals. In the morning, over coffee, we play the NYTimes games: Wordle and Connections, look at Real estate, and read our horoscopes. It’s so fun! When my daughters were young and I was married (31 years and I’m so glad it’s over), dinner was the time we connected. I loved to ask the about their day. My ex-husband and I shared the mortgages, bank accounts, and credit cards. It was a nightmare. He hid money, and took what didn’t belong to him, and criticized me for grocery purchases (I always had a full time job and a few part time jobs as well). Autonomy is the key I think. However you want to work it. My married daughter has her own bank account and co sleeps with her children. Her husband sleeps in a different room. They respect each other’s choices, are honest, and don’t have any need to control each other. I love it that we can work this life how we see fit. But I’m not going to talk to my mother about this because she’d freak, lol.
I love this, we do many of the same. I don’t get the purple pillows though — I must have missed a memo or don’t get a cultural reference maybe?!
Purple is a brand in the US of mattresses, pillows etc.....they're supposed to be really good. I think she's just saying they put really good pillows in the guest room too because they value that space as an alternate sleeping spot for one of them.
My husband and I are divorcing and the mediator said it was one of the easiest financial settlement conversations she’d ever seen. We have always had separate bank accounts because I entered the relationship broke and full of student loan debt after grad school, whereas he went straight into the workforce after HS and had built up his savings and income. Having the ‘what’s yours is yours and what’s mine is mine’ mentality through the entirety of our relationship has made this difficult and emotional process very easy.
I was surprised that people could be so passionate about sending your hubby money or vice versa it seems so normal and a non thought topic for those of us that just do it. I couldn’t imagine not as he often picks things up for me. We used to have separate bedrooms and at first it felt strange but I quickly enjoyed the peaceful sleep and now we don’t have the extra room and I miss my own sleeping space. Definitely on the agenda for when and if we move.
Thank you! I always love your transparency and YCIAWYW! I love both sleeping with and not sleeping with my husband, depending on the circumstances too. I've also gone to bed mad, which everyone told me to avoid. We've been together for 29 years and IDGAF what others think either. How refreshing! I would tell a new bride that YCDIAWYW. That is the key to marital bliss. XO!
My husband and I each have our own account and cards. We do have a shared account for the mortgage, groceries, gas etc. But we have NEVER had a fight about money b/c we each manage our own. I don't need to know how much he has spent on camping gear and he doesn't need to know how many different pairs of jeans I have purchased to fit my new perimenopause body. We don't Venmo each other - we just use Zelle between our accounts :D so same same??