Also, I do want to add that I think as privileged white women who practice awareness and self awareness, we are constantly reminded of how good we have it, comparatively speaking. That toxic positivity is easy to pair with that - look around and see how much you have - people would kill for your bad days. Yeah, okay. You can be aware of your privilege and still allow yourself to have feelings about things. I think we prevent ourselves from leaning into the sad/bad/mad because then we’ll be considered assholes. My .02. Love you!
I think about this a lot. And also, it's not just in the context of privilege--Kai below talked about this dichotomy as a hospice doctor. I keep thinking "it's not the suffering Olympics," and it's okay to have small things sitting heavy on you, even though you know many people are carrying much heavier burdens.
Something I say with regularity to others when they say something like “first world problems” or “I don’t have it as bad as group xyz” is that just because your issue isn’t comparable to someone else’s doesn’t mean that it isn’t large in the context of your own life. Yes, we are privileged and we can/should acknowledge that but it doesn’t mean that our issues/problems aren’t valid, too.
Why do you have to call me out so hard on a Monday??? 😂
My last severance payment was on the first. I still don’t have a job. I am starting to panic, but I’m also continually saying to myself, “Walk your talk.” I believe everything happens in divine timing. I just need that timing to be, um, nowish. And i keep repeating that I’m okay, that I have resources at my disposal. Saturday was not a good day. I felt demoralized, unworthy, and uncertain about everything. I hated Saturday. I will get a job. Of course I will. But I have to keep reminding myself that there are no awards for not losing faith or motivation or being sad or frustrated when you get laid off and are searching for a job! I am... not really okay.
UGH, I'm so sorry. And yes, it's perfectly acceptable (and necessary and helpful) to allow yourself to feel ALL the feelings, including being sad, frustrated, or anxious. I'm sorry you're still on the hunt for the perfect position. I'll set my intentions for you in my next pull session. XO
This hit hard. I am guilty of the same thing. “I’m good”. That’s my response after the list of things going on in my life scrolls through my brain. I am a hospice doctor so I immediately think of my patients and their families/friends and think “I’m not facing the end of my life, so I am good.”
Wow, Kai. Yes, I can imagine. This is the same gratitude conundrum Kris is talking about in her other comment. Of course we're grateful. Of course we're good, in that context. But we also need to leave space and grace to acknowledge the hard things that aren't life-or-death. Those exist, and they matter to us, and they deserve that space, right? XO
Oofta. This email appeared literally in the middle of a conversation with a friend in which I kept insisting, "It's fine."
And, because the commenters here are usually great, and because why the hell not, here's my problem. Feel free to skip right over this; clearly, I just need to vent into the void, LOL.
Slight background: I'm divorced and the primary parent. Their dad is in the picture but not particularly... useful/helpful/very good as a parent. I used to get every-other weekend off, which I LOVED. This year, though, my son has opted not to visit his dad, so I pretty much have at least one kid all the time.
I am very much a person who needs alone time to recharge. This is not the chapter in my life in which I am going to get that. Turns out, 15 and 16 year old kids are as needy as 2 year old kids. I had been starting to get up around 5:30 and just sit in the quiet and dark and knit before the kids got up and it was really nice. Previously, I also enjoyed my walks/runs as a time to be alone. But now they're with my son, in part an effort to help him with his own depression and anxiety. And due to our schedules, we have to do our runs at 5:30 a.m. Which kills my alone-time. We both enjoy the time togther. It IS lovely, and I know that having a 16 year old son who WANTS to spend time with me is a huge blessing. And I again can't help but wonder how married people do it... the kids are ALWAYS around, your spouse is ALWAYS there.
And all I keep saying about all of this is: it's fine. It is what it is, I signed up for this, I'm a parent, it's dumb and selfish to complain about having to parent, IT'S FINE.
Yes, I will be discussing this with my own therapist next week. Thanks for the nudge that I needed to realize this is a "therapist-worthy" topic.
OOF. I feel this deeply, because I have always said I am such a good mom BECAUSE I get every other week off. And it's really hard when there is always someone in your space. But, like, it is both fine (for all of the reasons you listed) AND ALSO it's hard and energetically draining. It's both.
I hope you and your therapist can come up with compromises. Are there other times when you can get alone time? Can you commit to running once or twice a week on your own? Can you find other ways for your kids (especially your son) to be out of the house in a way that really serves him and fills him up (a running club, some other group activity)? I wish this for you, mother-to-mother. XO
Sleepovers at other people’s homes are such a gift for getting a break on the weekends from all the emotions of my 11 year old daughter. Not sure if teen boys do them (her 11 yo guy friends do) but maybe that could be an option? Even going to a buddy’s house to play video games together for an afternoon & set them both up with their friends at the same time so you can be ALONE.
WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. That's so good! I've said that too. And yes, sometimes that's a really positive thing to say--everything is figure-out-able. But sometimes it's punting the discomfort/pain/sadness/grief/fear with a catch phrase. Ugh, so good.
For long and complicated reasons my 8yo stepson is full time with me and his dad. His mum is MIA and he’s not ok about it. It’s not what I signed up for... but it’s okay! (Ie I am grateful for the opportunity to be a ‘proper parent’ so I won’t ‘complain’ about my lifestyle changing)
We just moved house and are half unpacked. It’s almost Christmas. My husband is currently 6 days overdue coming back from a business trip due to crazy weather... but it’s okay! (I.e i can wfh and call in grandparents and the snow will melt eventually, so why dwell on what we can’t control?)
(ALSO does anyone else feel the need to get all upbeat about HOW MUCH BETTER they’re feeling with their therapist in order to demonstrate progress 👀)
Good Lord. This just really floored me. After a complete at total shit show of a summer, Mom in ICU, daughter dislocated her knee, dog needed emergency surgery, Mom passed away (and I was there to witness it), rear ended on interstate on way home from hospital after Mom passed away, daughter had surgery.... I have kept saying, "but I'm okay." Part of that I think is noting there is a time in my life when I was much younger that I most definitely would NOT have been "okay" after those events and would have completely and utterly shut down or self sabotaged and part of me saying that I was "okay" was an acknowledgement to myself that I am recovered enough not to do those things. But reading this post... yeah, I'm not okay... still, nearly 6 months later. I'm just not okay.
I’ve been dealing with this with grief over my dad’s death. I can’t just “put it away” and I know I need to do my best to feel my feelings, but I am also a walking billboard for depression and I hate it. I wear in like a tightly laced up hoodie and I need to find a way to climb out. I know it’s a process but over the last week I have really started to recognize it and I really appreciate your message today ❤️
My heart is heavy for your loss, Carmen. I this talking about it here is a tremendous first step, and I'm really proud of you for that. Let us know if we can help, and I'll be pulling for you in my next workout. XO
I’m fine. Its ok. First world problems. All hit for me as a white female with privilege having work troubles in a big tech firm, so I’m always cognizant I didn’t get laid off this year - though I did get moved to a team that is just not a good fit, but I feel like I’m supposed to be grateful.
I’ve been so stressed out I smacked my head on my nightstand last week; blood gushing everywhere. I quickly got it together but was convinced by friends and work to get it checked out. Drove to urgent care and ended up scream-crying, panic attack style “IM FINE” at the poor staff because they wanted me to get a CT at the ER (they didn’t have the machine) but I didn’t want to pay for the ambulance to drive me (they wouldn’t let me drive myself) and I needed to get back to work.
I AM actually neurologically okayish though I have a mild concussion. Still, I worried I wouldn’t be believed or anything so I just shrugged it off and told work I needed to limit screen time. Melissa, you’re concussion posts have really helped me know what to look for (in addition to medical help of course) and know that even if I didn’t “hit it that hard” I can still get a concussion.
For me it’s such a tough balancing act to sit in the emotion without letting it consume me. I think as someone with a history of depression and long-covid that exacerbates it, if it “sit” too long I get stuck there. Deflection seems like the better way to keep moving even if slowly.
"“what if it didn’t have to be like this,” which made me cry even harder because I HAD NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED THAT." I have previously experienced that same powerful message in my personal development path.
I kinda welled up with happy tears at this for the reminder of the relief it brings, and for you. You who does so much and makes a huge difference for so many. I AM FULL OF JOY FOR YOU, MELISSA 💚 (and thanks, therapist, well done 🙌)
Oh, yeah. "I'm fine, it's fine" is a whole thing for me. Much less so now than in the past, but it's still the default I have to work through to get to the real. Glad you had this moment. xo
Oh there's a whole chapter in Boundaries where I dove into "fine." "Fine" was my armor (made of rice paper, it turns out) so people didn't ask questions and I didn't have to dive any deeper into what I was feeling. Relatable. XO
thank you so much for this, melissa. you and your therapist gave me a gift too in offering and sharing this insight. i’m definitely going to be a lot more mindful moving forward and let myself be, honor and acknowledge the suck a bit more moving forward.
We're supposed to be grateful! And we are! But there also needs to be space for acknowledging when things feel hard, or not okay. And the grace to remind ourselves that forcing gratitude when we really need to just sit with the hard stuff and feel it (or even tantrum about it) isn't actually helpful.
Oh, wow. This resonates so, so much with me. I am a queen of “it’s fine”. In fact, I said it multiple times this morning to a coworker regarding feeling burned out and overwhelmed with the current workload.
So what can you delegate to make this time easier? I can think of a few things that you could probably let someone else do for you. I know that’s tough too but sometimes done incorrectly (according to our perfectionism) is still better than not done to our exhausted minds.
This resonates. We can be grateful and struggle at the same time! Do you know the song, “Truth be Told” by Carly Pearce/Matthew West? Sometimes music articulates what I cannot.
It's fine. I mostly do this when I'm feeling vulnerable or like I've overshared or if I've opened up to the wrong person. Definitely deflection!!!
Oh interesting! That's a good observation.
Also, I do want to add that I think as privileged white women who practice awareness and self awareness, we are constantly reminded of how good we have it, comparatively speaking. That toxic positivity is easy to pair with that - look around and see how much you have - people would kill for your bad days. Yeah, okay. You can be aware of your privilege and still allow yourself to have feelings about things. I think we prevent ourselves from leaning into the sad/bad/mad because then we’ll be considered assholes. My .02. Love you!
I think about this a lot. And also, it's not just in the context of privilege--Kai below talked about this dichotomy as a hospice doctor. I keep thinking "it's not the suffering Olympics," and it's okay to have small things sitting heavy on you, even though you know many people are carrying much heavier burdens.
Something I say with regularity to others when they say something like “first world problems” or “I don’t have it as bad as group xyz” is that just because your issue isn’t comparable to someone else’s doesn’t mean that it isn’t large in the context of your own life. Yes, we are privileged and we can/should acknowledge that but it doesn’t mean that our issues/problems aren’t valid, too.
Why do you have to call me out so hard on a Monday??? 😂
My last severance payment was on the first. I still don’t have a job. I am starting to panic, but I’m also continually saying to myself, “Walk your talk.” I believe everything happens in divine timing. I just need that timing to be, um, nowish. And i keep repeating that I’m okay, that I have resources at my disposal. Saturday was not a good day. I felt demoralized, unworthy, and uncertain about everything. I hated Saturday. I will get a job. Of course I will. But I have to keep reminding myself that there are no awards for not losing faith or motivation or being sad or frustrated when you get laid off and are searching for a job! I am... not really okay.
UGH, I'm so sorry. And yes, it's perfectly acceptable (and necessary and helpful) to allow yourself to feel ALL the feelings, including being sad, frustrated, or anxious. I'm sorry you're still on the hunt for the perfect position. I'll set my intentions for you in my next pull session. XO
Thank you!
Aw, friend, that is stressful and that's OK! How we feel stress doesn't undermine all the other good we have or feel. Sending you good wishes!
Thank you!
This hit hard. I am guilty of the same thing. “I’m good”. That’s my response after the list of things going on in my life scrolls through my brain. I am a hospice doctor so I immediately think of my patients and their families/friends and think “I’m not facing the end of my life, so I am good.”
Wow, Kai. Yes, I can imagine. This is the same gratitude conundrum Kris is talking about in her other comment. Of course we're grateful. Of course we're good, in that context. But we also need to leave space and grace to acknowledge the hard things that aren't life-or-death. Those exist, and they matter to us, and they deserve that space, right? XO
I guess it just comes down to the fact that I matter. 😔
Oofta. This email appeared literally in the middle of a conversation with a friend in which I kept insisting, "It's fine."
And, because the commenters here are usually great, and because why the hell not, here's my problem. Feel free to skip right over this; clearly, I just need to vent into the void, LOL.
Slight background: I'm divorced and the primary parent. Their dad is in the picture but not particularly... useful/helpful/very good as a parent. I used to get every-other weekend off, which I LOVED. This year, though, my son has opted not to visit his dad, so I pretty much have at least one kid all the time.
I am very much a person who needs alone time to recharge. This is not the chapter in my life in which I am going to get that. Turns out, 15 and 16 year old kids are as needy as 2 year old kids. I had been starting to get up around 5:30 and just sit in the quiet and dark and knit before the kids got up and it was really nice. Previously, I also enjoyed my walks/runs as a time to be alone. But now they're with my son, in part an effort to help him with his own depression and anxiety. And due to our schedules, we have to do our runs at 5:30 a.m. Which kills my alone-time. We both enjoy the time togther. It IS lovely, and I know that having a 16 year old son who WANTS to spend time with me is a huge blessing. And I again can't help but wonder how married people do it... the kids are ALWAYS around, your spouse is ALWAYS there.
And all I keep saying about all of this is: it's fine. It is what it is, I signed up for this, I'm a parent, it's dumb and selfish to complain about having to parent, IT'S FINE.
Yes, I will be discussing this with my own therapist next week. Thanks for the nudge that I needed to realize this is a "therapist-worthy" topic.
OOF. I feel this deeply, because I have always said I am such a good mom BECAUSE I get every other week off. And it's really hard when there is always someone in your space. But, like, it is both fine (for all of the reasons you listed) AND ALSO it's hard and energetically draining. It's both.
I hope you and your therapist can come up with compromises. Are there other times when you can get alone time? Can you commit to running once or twice a week on your own? Can you find other ways for your kids (especially your son) to be out of the house in a way that really serves him and fills him up (a running club, some other group activity)? I wish this for you, mother-to-mother. XO
Sleepovers at other people’s homes are such a gift for getting a break on the weekends from all the emotions of my 11 year old daughter. Not sure if teen boys do them (her 11 yo guy friends do) but maybe that could be an option? Even going to a buddy’s house to play video games together for an afternoon & set them both up with their friends at the same time so you can be ALONE.
Oh my gosh, this is me!!! Thanks for opening my eyes to it. Mine is “we’ll figure it out”. I needed this, thanks!
WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. That's so good! I've said that too. And yes, sometimes that's a really positive thing to say--everything is figure-out-able. But sometimes it's punting the discomfort/pain/sadness/grief/fear with a catch phrase. Ugh, so good.
goodness. I NEEEEEEEEEDED this today.
For long and complicated reasons my 8yo stepson is full time with me and his dad. His mum is MIA and he’s not ok about it. It’s not what I signed up for... but it’s okay! (Ie I am grateful for the opportunity to be a ‘proper parent’ so I won’t ‘complain’ about my lifestyle changing)
We just moved house and are half unpacked. It’s almost Christmas. My husband is currently 6 days overdue coming back from a business trip due to crazy weather... but it’s okay! (I.e i can wfh and call in grandparents and the snow will melt eventually, so why dwell on what we can’t control?)
(ALSO does anyone else feel the need to get all upbeat about HOW MUCH BETTER they’re feeling with their therapist in order to demonstrate progress 👀)
The first 20 minutes of my sessions are straight up LIES😂
Phew as long as it’s not just me 😂
Good Lord. This just really floored me. After a complete at total shit show of a summer, Mom in ICU, daughter dislocated her knee, dog needed emergency surgery, Mom passed away (and I was there to witness it), rear ended on interstate on way home from hospital after Mom passed away, daughter had surgery.... I have kept saying, "but I'm okay." Part of that I think is noting there is a time in my life when I was much younger that I most definitely would NOT have been "okay" after those events and would have completely and utterly shut down or self sabotaged and part of me saying that I was "okay" was an acknowledgement to myself that I am recovered enough not to do those things. But reading this post... yeah, I'm not okay... still, nearly 6 months later. I'm just not okay.
I’ve been dealing with this with grief over my dad’s death. I can’t just “put it away” and I know I need to do my best to feel my feelings, but I am also a walking billboard for depression and I hate it. I wear in like a tightly laced up hoodie and I need to find a way to climb out. I know it’s a process but over the last week I have really started to recognize it and I really appreciate your message today ❤️
My heart is heavy for your loss, Carmen. I this talking about it here is a tremendous first step, and I'm really proud of you for that. Let us know if we can help, and I'll be pulling for you in my next workout. XO
Just know there is no timeline for grief. It’s ok to grieve as long and as much as you need in this time of loss. Sending hugs!
Sending you so much love, Carmen. I will be absolutely obliterated when my dad dies. You’re in my heart. 💜
I’m fine. Its ok. First world problems. All hit for me as a white female with privilege having work troubles in a big tech firm, so I’m always cognizant I didn’t get laid off this year - though I did get moved to a team that is just not a good fit, but I feel like I’m supposed to be grateful.
I’ve been so stressed out I smacked my head on my nightstand last week; blood gushing everywhere. I quickly got it together but was convinced by friends and work to get it checked out. Drove to urgent care and ended up scream-crying, panic attack style “IM FINE” at the poor staff because they wanted me to get a CT at the ER (they didn’t have the machine) but I didn’t want to pay for the ambulance to drive me (they wouldn’t let me drive myself) and I needed to get back to work.
I AM actually neurologically okayish though I have a mild concussion. Still, I worried I wouldn’t be believed or anything so I just shrugged it off and told work I needed to limit screen time. Melissa, you’re concussion posts have really helped me know what to look for (in addition to medical help of course) and know that even if I didn’t “hit it that hard” I can still get a concussion.
For me it’s such a tough balancing act to sit in the emotion without letting it consume me. I think as someone with a history of depression and long-covid that exacerbates it, if it “sit” too long I get stuck there. Deflection seems like the better way to keep moving even if slowly.
"“what if it didn’t have to be like this,” which made me cry even harder because I HAD NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED THAT." I have previously experienced that same powerful message in my personal development path.
I kinda welled up with happy tears at this for the reminder of the relief it brings, and for you. You who does so much and makes a huge difference for so many. I AM FULL OF JOY FOR YOU, MELISSA 💚 (and thanks, therapist, well done 🙌)
Thank you, Jennifer. I think about that moment and still cry today. The full weight of it hasn't yet settled, but it was certainly a breakthrough.
Oh, yeah. "I'm fine, it's fine" is a whole thing for me. Much less so now than in the past, but it's still the default I have to work through to get to the real. Glad you had this moment. xo
Oh there's a whole chapter in Boundaries where I dove into "fine." "Fine" was my armor (made of rice paper, it turns out) so people didn't ask questions and I didn't have to dive any deeper into what I was feeling. Relatable. XO
I had a therapist once that said “fine” stood for Freaked out. Insecure. Neurotic. Egotistical. I’ve never said it again. 🙃
thank you so much for this, melissa. you and your therapist gave me a gift too in offering and sharing this insight. i’m definitely going to be a lot more mindful moving forward and let myself be, honor and acknowledge the suck a bit more moving forward.
We're supposed to be grateful! And we are! But there also needs to be space for acknowledging when things feel hard, or not okay. And the grace to remind ourselves that forcing gratitude when we really need to just sit with the hard stuff and feel it (or even tantrum about it) isn't actually helpful.
Oh, wow. This resonates so, so much with me. I am a queen of “it’s fine”. In fact, I said it multiple times this morning to a coworker regarding feeling burned out and overwhelmed with the current workload.
I have a whole section in The Book of Boundaries around "fine." I'm very familiar. XO
So what can you delegate to make this time easier? I can think of a few things that you could probably let someone else do for you. I know that’s tough too but sometimes done incorrectly (according to our perfectionism) is still better than not done to our exhausted minds.
This resonates. We can be grateful and struggle at the same time! Do you know the song, “Truth be Told” by Carly Pearce/Matthew West? Sometimes music articulates what I cannot.