How to want to have more sex, part 2
You WANT to want to have sex—but you don't want to have sex. Desire types, arousal types, and putting it all together.
Dear MU,
Having sex when my mental health is off is a real challenge; at that point, sex is the last thing I’m craving. (Honestly, sometimes sex can be a challenge even when my mental health is good!) I’m curious if the drive comes naturally to you during these times? If not, do you have to tackle it like the gym, or give yourself a pep talk that this is a good thing to check off your wellness list? — Not in the mood
In Part 1 of this 2-part series, I talked about the difference between desire and arousal, the two different Desire Types, and the five different Arousal Types. I also gave you some homework to help you learn what makes you feel sexy, gets you in the mood, and helps you feel aroused. (If you haven’t read that yet, please go back—you’ll need it for this part.)
Today, I’ll share more about the Responsive desire type, and how you can take matters into your own hands (sometimes literally) to help you “prime the pump” for sex with your partner.
Review: desire vs. arousal
Sexual desire: Also known as libido; having an interest in engaging in sexual activity. A mental process; how often you think about or want sex.
Sexual arousal: How excited or turned on you get when you anticipate sex or engage in it. A physical process, as evidenced by the changes that occur in your body and genitals.
Review: Arousal Type
According to Petra Zebroff, PhD:
Sensualist: You’re into erotic touch, sight, smell, sound, and taste. Making out, your partner’s touch, a musky candle, a sexy song, dirty talk, flavored massage oil, or the feel of silky sheets all turn you on.
Behavioralist: You have specific tastes and know what you like, and it often requires imagination and thinking about the act of sex. You may be into sex toys, porn, spicy books, erotic podcasts, role playing, and trying new things in the bedroom.
Intimate: You need to feel close to your partner—a deep emotional connection is what really turns you on. Long conversations, undivided attention, and sharing vulnerably gets you in the mood to connect physically too.
Attractor: You get turned on when you’re turning your partner on, and you like to feel pursued. You’re into sexy lingerie, a little teasing, taking the lead, making them wait—the more excited they get, the more aroused you get.
Equalist: You might be a mix of all four! Maybe different moods call for different forms of stimulation, or you just like exploring all aspects of sensuality.
Also note that different sex educators categorize arousal types differently. For example, Doctor of Human Sexuality Emily Morse adds an “Adventure” type to her list. The more time you spend on what actually turns you on, the easier it will be to translate that knowledge into action.
You might want to open a private internet browser for this next part.
Clear is kind
If you’re a Responsive desire type, remember, you’ll have to get into the act before you can really get into the act. Asking your partner for more foreplay, kissing, touching, and romance (whatever that looks like for you)—and being specific—is the first step in syncing up rhythms. In relaxed moments outside of the bedroom, continue the conversation you started a few weeks ago. Tell them the things they do that really get you in the mood. Tell them the things you do that really get you in the mood.
Everyday activities like a long hug from behind, an appreciative compliment spoken softly into your ear, a longer-than-usual goodbye kiss, or close-to-rated-R snuggle session on the couch can definitely put sex on your radar, but the key is taking the pressure of sex out of the equation in the moment. If every time your spouse grabs your butt, it only means “I want sex now,” it can quickly pump the brakes on your arousal.
You may need to say this out loud. “When you kiss me like that, it’s a super turn-on. Can you do that more outside of sex? Like on a random Tuesday when we’re just passing by in the kitchen?” Those moments add up, and after a few days of conscientiousness, sex may feel easier to initiate.
Bonus: See if they’re up for the experiment of a week-long sex moratorium, with the intention of doing anything and everything but. This can mean anything you want, from “all clothes stay on” to “everything but penetration.” Trust me when I tell you this can be a GAME-CHANGER, ahem.
If your arousal type is Intimate or Attractor, explain what that means, and use examples of experiences you’ve had together that really worked for you. Because of the way our society portrays “arousal,” they’ll likely immediately get it if you said, “I need more kissing/rubbing/fingering,” but you may have to explain that long, deep conversations; emotionally charged conversations; adrenaline-fueled activities; or watching them get turned on turns you on.
Frame these conversations as, “I’d like to have more sex, and I think you would too. These are the things I’m actively learning and pursuing to make that happen.” It’s sexy when your partner takes responsibility for their own needs, feelings, and pleasure! Perhaps you’ll inspire your partner to do the same kind of “research,” or at the very least, keep talking with you about it.
Prime your own pump
There are certainly things my husband does that get me in the mood, but I often start the process myself, because then I get to choose my own adventure. I’m a Behaviorist, so I find it highly effective to use my own imagination, toys, or smutty books or videos to get things started, then jump my Spontaneous desire husband when my engine is already revved. (Then, anything he adds to the mix with touch, talk, or his desire is just icing.
Here’s a long but not at all comprehensive list for all of the Arousal types:
Keep a stash of smutty books on your Kindle • Flip through a graphic comic book • Don your headphones for a spicy podcast while you meal prep or commute home • Watch a sexy movie • Discover some categories of porn that really do it for you—without judgment. (Research says that 97% of fantasies fall into the same broad categories: multipartner sex; rough sex; novelty and adventure; voyeurism and fetishes; non-monogamous sex; deeper emotional connection; and gender fluidity. If any of this rocks your boat, that’s totally normal.) • Or start with ethical porn, where everything is consensual, diversity is celebrated, women are treated respectfully, and the pleasure is real.
Buy some sexy lingerie, satin sheets, a delicious-smelling lotion or body oil, or a luxurious foaming bubble bath. • Put on a sexy playlist (I made one called “Let’s Make Out” on Spotify.) • Take a sensual dance class. • Sext with your spouse (consensually) while they’re grocery shopping or at work. • Leave a sexy note in their work bag • Fantasize or reminisce about sexy experiences. • Start experimenting with different sex toys. (I have a stash—maybe another article?) • Masturbate—even if you’re not totally in the mood, because it’ll get you in the mood.
All of these work especially well if you’ve got a sex plan on the horizon. Our “code” is, “Hey, can we have sex...” Not very code-ish, but it lets me know it’s on his mind, then I’m thinking, “How/where/when can I get in the mood?”
Also, do a little groundwork. If your bedroom is cluttered and messy, that might not feel sexy. If you’ve been silently seething about that thing he forgot to do, clear the air. If the dog is maintaining full eye contact, put him outside. If you’re always too busy, block it on the calendar. For real.
Bonus: Schedule a recurring sex date. I know, it sounds "corporate,” but sex educators say making time for something you both want sends a strong message to your partner, and blocking out 60 full minutes on your calendar to do nothing but spend time together naked gives you aaaall the time in the world to get responsive.
Let’s talk about sex
One of the things I’ve found in my own life is that the more I talk about sex, read about sex, learn more about my body and sex, figure out what I like sexually, and share these conversations and learnings with my husband, the more I want to have sex—the hot kind, not the obligatory kind—and the better the sex is.
What has this series sparked for you? What do you want to talk more about? Share any and all thoughts in the comments, because this is a judgment-free zone and somebody out there must want to know more about butt plugs.
1000% here for this content 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I would love to hear your specific toy recommendations - it can be hard when searching online to find an option / brand / price point that resonates enough to drop the cash. I’ve found a few things we like but also had quite a few duds. I really appreciate you normalising the use of porn and smut to rev the engine.
Thank you for this article and please continue to write about this! I am still processing from last week but have to remind myself that it’s a marathon, not a sprint, to unpack all the shame I grew up with. Having an amazing partner helps and we had the best conversation last night, which helped me feel more connected. My therapist helps too! This is so hard to say out loud because I still have a lot of shame around pleasuring myself, but I would love some good smutty book recommendations. It’s one of the very few things that gets me in the mood almost instantaneously. I think because I’ve had so much shame around masturbation, I don’t really know what I like in the sex toy department. I only own one and it’s one of those that your partner can control with an app. But it was hard to use because if I don’t even know what I like, how is my wife supposed to know?! So we barely used/use it. Anyway, I guess all of this to say I’d love a post or recommendations on smutty books but am also looking forward to a sex toys post too. My wife and I used to make a yearly visit (when we went back to the states every summer) to a sex shop when we first got together, and we haven’t done that in years. When we go back to the states this summer, it would be exciting to have an idea of what to look for!