1000% here for this content 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I would love to hear your specific toy recommendations - it can be hard when searching online to find an option / brand / price point that resonates enough to drop the cash. I’ve found a few things we like but also had quite a few duds. I really appreciate you normalising the use of porn and smut to rev the engine.
Thank you for this article and please continue to write about this! I am still processing from last week but have to remind myself that it’s a marathon, not a sprint, to unpack all the shame I grew up with. Having an amazing partner helps and we had the best conversation last night, which helped me feel more connected. My therapist helps too! This is so hard to say out loud because I still have a lot of shame around pleasuring myself, but I would love some good smutty book recommendations. It’s one of the very few things that gets me in the mood almost instantaneously. I think because I’ve had so much shame around masturbation, I don’t really know what I like in the sex toy department. I only own one and it’s one of those that your partner can control with an app. But it was hard to use because if I don’t even know what I like, how is my wife supposed to know?! So we barely used/use it. Anyway, I guess all of this to say I’d love a post or recommendations on smutty books but am also looking forward to a sex toys post too. My wife and I used to make a yearly visit (when we went back to the states every summer) to a sex shop when we first got together, and we haven’t done that in years. When we go back to the states this summer, it would be exciting to have an idea of what to look for!
Thank you for normalizing the need to get yourself in the mood! I've been hiding and feeling guilty about this my entire adult life, thinking I'm a terrible partner for not being able to get in the mood instantly or spontaneously. I've gotten so much out of these two posts and looking forward to the next!
I’m just starting to learn I need to rev up my own engine and from there initiate sex with my husband. These are some great resources to check out. One of the lessons I have learned in this new phases is to stop in time to get my husband involved; sometimes when the ball gets rolling I just keep going 🤣
Love the suggestions. Super intrigued by the concept of ethical porn. One of my big takeaways from She Comes First was about the brain body disconnect. I often feel mentally interested but my body doesn’t always get the message. Hooray for lube!
So I am currently not in a relationship and not dating- life is too busy and I’m very content during this chapter solo. But... that just means I can do whatever I want in this area! Sometimes I don’t even think about sex or wanting to have an orgasm for weeks. Then some weeks I have my own little sexy time frequently and as often as I want.
I have a couple toys, I have some lingerie, sometimes it’s an event and sometimes it’s 5 minutes for a quick dopamine hit!
It’s interesting though cause some of my girlfriends can talk about this and others act like they barely acknowledge their sexuality at all.
Just different ways of feeling/acting/processing I suppose.
I skimmed this post with the intention of coming back to it later. Also! I wanted to share that I have been exploring my own desire with audio erotica apps like quinn and Dipsea. It’s been so helpful to try some things on alone before I broach the subject with my partner.
I’m definitely stealing the playlist idea! I think it can act as both prep, and as behavioral reinforcement, when it works once, it may work again, then your brain can start associating it with “oh, I know what happens now, remember what happened before!”
THANK YOU FOR THESE POSTS!! I’m still processing it all but you’ve definitely turned on (lol) several lightbulbs in my brain and I’m ready to figure out what I need for myself and with my husband. Normalizing the conversation is a huge first step, especially as someone who grew up in a home where my older sister was cut off for years because she had sex before marriage, and I was shamed into never talking about it and rarely saw loving kisses or touches between my parents. I don’t like how much those things influenced my own sexual behaviors, but I definitely want to change them.
For everyone asking for smutty book recommendations, here’s a few TikToks I’ve saved with lots of recs!
A great book that speaks to this topic (among others) is Emily Nagoski's "Come As Your Are". You're not broken, you are unique. Learning about how you are lets you "hack" your brakes/accelerators accordingly. Now, if I could only get my Bride to read it.
As for butt plugs, I'm a fan. Totally changes the sensations and adds variety. When dealing with toys, I feel that one has to erase what society has taught us, especially when it comes to vulva-owners' pleasure. I'm strong proponent of masturbation. Learn your body so you can teach others how to please you. In turn, your openness and courage will allow your partner(s) to do the same.
I thought butt plugs were SO GROSS at first. Then I tried them with my husband and I was shocked at how much pleasure they can add! It might be time to pull them out of the closet again to get over our current slump... 🌶️
I have toys that I haven’t used in so long. It makes me want to dig them out again! This series has reminded me to make sex more sexy. We’re trying to conceive, which has been its own journey full of heartbreak and loss, so sometimes sex becomes all about that.
Thanks for this conversation--truly! I’m also curious about the spicy books recs. I almost always take note of your “mainstream” recs, and curious which spicy books land in your kindle library. Emily Nagoski wrote to super sexy books under then name Emily Foster, How Not to Fall and How Not to Let Go.
Thank you for this 💜. I have been in the "obligatory sex" phase of life for a while and it makes me sad. I've wanted to change for a while and didn't know how.
I would love to learn more about what kinds of toys and brands people enjoy. Also, any smutty book recommendations? Xoxo
When we were together, my husband and I had Sunday night 7-9 time. We’d play cards or Qwirkle or dominos and then, go to bed early to have sex. It worked well for us, scheduling this time.
1000% here for this content 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I would love to hear your specific toy recommendations - it can be hard when searching online to find an option / brand / price point that resonates enough to drop the cash. I’ve found a few things we like but also had quite a few duds. I really appreciate you normalising the use of porn and smut to rev the engine.
Similar question here! Toys can be expensive. I'm reluctant to add another non-starter to the collection.
Thank you for this article and please continue to write about this! I am still processing from last week but have to remind myself that it’s a marathon, not a sprint, to unpack all the shame I grew up with. Having an amazing partner helps and we had the best conversation last night, which helped me feel more connected. My therapist helps too! This is so hard to say out loud because I still have a lot of shame around pleasuring myself, but I would love some good smutty book recommendations. It’s one of the very few things that gets me in the mood almost instantaneously. I think because I’ve had so much shame around masturbation, I don’t really know what I like in the sex toy department. I only own one and it’s one of those that your partner can control with an app. But it was hard to use because if I don’t even know what I like, how is my wife supposed to know?! So we barely used/use it. Anyway, I guess all of this to say I’d love a post or recommendations on smutty books but am also looking forward to a sex toys post too. My wife and I used to make a yearly visit (when we went back to the states every summer) to a sex shop when we first got together, and we haven’t done that in years. When we go back to the states this summer, it would be exciting to have an idea of what to look for!
I just posted a comment with a few TikTok video links that each have multiple spicy book recs!
Thank you for normalizing the need to get yourself in the mood! I've been hiding and feeling guilty about this my entire adult life, thinking I'm a terrible partner for not being able to get in the mood instantly or spontaneously. I've gotten so much out of these two posts and looking forward to the next!
I’m just starting to learn I need to rev up my own engine and from there initiate sex with my husband. These are some great resources to check out. One of the lessons I have learned in this new phases is to stop in time to get my husband involved; sometimes when the ball gets rolling I just keep going 🤣
Love the suggestions. Super intrigued by the concept of ethical porn. One of my big takeaways from She Comes First was about the brain body disconnect. I often feel mentally interested but my body doesn’t always get the message. Hooray for lube!
Can you post a link to one of the TikToks videos with the consent conversations? I want to get on that side of TikTok and find more ethical videos!
I'd love to also cover sex toys for solo enjoyment. Not everyone has a partner, but toys are still a great option for that brand of self care.
So I am currently not in a relationship and not dating- life is too busy and I’m very content during this chapter solo. But... that just means I can do whatever I want in this area! Sometimes I don’t even think about sex or wanting to have an orgasm for weeks. Then some weeks I have my own little sexy time frequently and as often as I want.
I have a couple toys, I have some lingerie, sometimes it’s an event and sometimes it’s 5 minutes for a quick dopamine hit!
It’s interesting though cause some of my girlfriends can talk about this and others act like they barely acknowledge their sexuality at all.
Just different ways of feeling/acting/processing I suppose.
I skimmed this post with the intention of coming back to it later. Also! I wanted to share that I have been exploring my own desire with audio erotica apps like quinn and Dipsea. It’s been so helpful to try some things on alone before I broach the subject with my partner.
I’m definitely stealing the playlist idea! I think it can act as both prep, and as behavioral reinforcement, when it works once, it may work again, then your brain can start associating it with “oh, I know what happens now, remember what happened before!”
THANK YOU FOR THESE POSTS!! I’m still processing it all but you’ve definitely turned on (lol) several lightbulbs in my brain and I’m ready to figure out what I need for myself and with my husband. Normalizing the conversation is a huge first step, especially as someone who grew up in a home where my older sister was cut off for years because she had sex before marriage, and I was shamed into never talking about it and rarely saw loving kisses or touches between my parents. I don’t like how much those things influenced my own sexual behaviors, but I definitely want to change them.
For everyone asking for smutty book recommendations, here’s a few TikToks I’ve saved with lots of recs!
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRn9uaHh/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRn99nno/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRn9B8ab/
A great book that speaks to this topic (among others) is Emily Nagoski's "Come As Your Are". You're not broken, you are unique. Learning about how you are lets you "hack" your brakes/accelerators accordingly. Now, if I could only get my Bride to read it.
As for butt plugs, I'm a fan. Totally changes the sensations and adds variety. When dealing with toys, I feel that one has to erase what society has taught us, especially when it comes to vulva-owners' pleasure. I'm strong proponent of masturbation. Learn your body so you can teach others how to please you. In turn, your openness and courage will allow your partner(s) to do the same.
P.S. Consent == hot!
I thought butt plugs were SO GROSS at first. Then I tried them with my husband and I was shocked at how much pleasure they can add! It might be time to pull them out of the closet again to get over our current slump... 🌶️
I have toys that I haven’t used in so long. It makes me want to dig them out again! This series has reminded me to make sex more sexy. We’re trying to conceive, which has been its own journey full of heartbreak and loss, so sometimes sex becomes all about that.
Thanks for this conversation--truly! I’m also curious about the spicy books recs. I almost always take note of your “mainstream” recs, and curious which spicy books land in your kindle library. Emily Nagoski wrote to super sexy books under then name Emily Foster, How Not to Fall and How Not to Let Go.
I just posted a comment with a few TikTok video links that each have multiple spicy book recs!
Thank you for this 💜. I have been in the "obligatory sex" phase of life for a while and it makes me sad. I've wanted to change for a while and didn't know how.
I would love to learn more about what kinds of toys and brands people enjoy. Also, any smutty book recommendations? Xoxo
There's a million genres and tropes out there, but Kandi Steiner is an amazing writer! Her spicy writing is just 🔥🔥🔥
Thanks!
I just posted a comment with a few TikTok video links that each have multiple spicy book recs!
When we were together, my husband and I had Sunday night 7-9 time. We’d play cards or Qwirkle or dominos and then, go to bed early to have sex. It worked well for us, scheduling this time.