Happy birthday to me

I'M FIFTY YEARS OLD TODAY. And not as freaked out as I thought I'd be.

This issue isn’t sponsored, but I do have ONE thing on my birthday list…

How old are you inside your head? I’m 36, thanks for asking. Except as my mom reminded me this morning, today is my 50th birthday. Fifty! Much like Sally O’Malley, I’m FIFTY YEARS OLD, and I’m not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell you my real age.

Ten years ago, the big 5-0 really freaked me out. It felt so old. I wondered what I’d be like at 50; as if I’d wake up on the morning of my birthday with a burning desire to use my checkbook at the grocery store and have loud speakerphone conversations in coffee shops and airports. But over the last two years, my perspective has dramatically shifted.

It turns out there are some major benefits to being 50. Getting older comes with a certain freedom, and many learnings I hadn’t yet realized at 20, 30, or even 40. Here are five live lessons I’d pass along to young people (any people!) today, as a newly-christened fifty-year-old lady.

1. It’s not about you

When someone not in my inner circle shares a negative opinion of me—I’m not that attractive, I’m a bad mom, I’m too muscular, I don’t write that well, I look old, I’m irrelevant, I’m a feminist b*tch—that’s not about me. It’s never about me. (It sure does say a lot about them, but I try not to linger on that.)

Also, nobody can make me carry the weight of their judgment. They may try handing it to me: “You let your kid play iPad all morning just so you could work out? You’re a bad mom—take this.” The thing is, I don’t have to pick it up. They can insist—expect even—but they can’t make me. I can just leave that judgment hanging in their outstretched hands until they drop it or take it home with them.

And I do. It’s not mine to carry, because it’s not about me.

2. Stay in your business

Byron Katie says there are three types of business: My business, your business, and God’s business.

Most of the time when I’m feeling stressed, anxious, or unhappy, it’s because I’m not in my own business. So I ask myself, “Wait—whose business am I in?” If I’m in your business, no wonder I’m stressed—I’m spending lots of energy in a space where I have no power. (Also, if I’m all up in someone else’s business, who’s running my own? Nobody, that’s who.)

To tie this back to Lesson #1, what other people think of me is also not my business. So yeah, when some guy on TikTok calls me a “feminist b*tch,” I know it’s not about me—but that’s none of my business. I don’t spend one ounce of energy wondering why he’s so mean or trying to “get him back” by thinking of a cutting reply.

This is why I can (and do) let those comments go in the blink of an eye. Think of all the time I save!

Church in Las Vegas in February

3. Become immune to external validation

I used to let praise and compliments fill me up. They fueled my sense of worth and value and defined me as a person. The problem is, praise and criticism are two sides of the same coin. If I allowed their compliments to fill me up, by default, I had to allow their criticisms to tear me down.

Over time, the nice words filled me up less, to the point where I couldn’t believe them. And the criticisms tore me down more, to the point where I deeply internalized them. The trade-off was killing me—so I stopped letting any outside perspective influence how I felt about myself. (See #4.)

Now when you say something nice, I think, “It’s lovely that this is how you are choosing to experience me, but it doesn’t say anything about me.” (That’s also about you!) And when someone says something mean, I think, “Too bad that’s how they’re choosing to experience me, but that’s not about me.”

It’s not as exciting or dramatic as basking in the glow of hundreds of strangers’ compliments, but it’s far more stable for my mental health.

4. Decide how YOU feel about you

Once you decide how you feel about yourself—any aspect of yourself—someone else’s opinion can’t affect you in the least.

How do you feel about how you look? Are you pretty, average, gorgeous, hot, ordinary, handsome, average, unattractive, cute, plain, ugly? This isn’t about toxic positivity-ing yourself into believing you’re a supermodel, it’s about deciding how YOU feel about you via a brutally honest self-assessment.

I’m basic-pretty with great hair. That’s how I feel about me. I’m not plain, unattractive, beautiful or gorgeous, definitely not lovely or sexy, and I’m way too tall to be cute. I’m a basic level of pretty with a great head of hair, which makes me look more attractive. So if someone tells me I’m gorgeous, I think, “Awesome—I love that for you,” but it doesn’t make me feel prettier. And if someone says I have a face like a horse, I think, “Oof—sucks to be you,” but it doesn’t make me feel less pretty. (And when you say, “Your hair is amazing,” I can reply in all honesty, “It really is, thank you.”)

Now do this with everything. How good a parent you are. How good a spouse, a friend, a brother, a daughter you are. How good a (fill in profession) you are. How smart you are. How athletic you are. How funny you are. How talented you are. Yes, it’s brutal. Yes, you will battle with your ego. Yes, it’s hard to let go of external validation.

But at the end, no matter your answers, you will be free.

5. Say what you mean (and demand others do the same)

I used to tolerate drama, talking in circles, passive-aggressive behavior, and playing guessing games with what people wanted. I didn’t know how to communicate clearly or demand that from others, and I spent a lot of time, energy, and anxiety trying to figure out what was really going on.

Today, I won’t do any of that. I say what I mean, clearly. You don’t have to guess, there is no drama, and you don’t have to worry that I’m just being nice, because I don’t say things just to be nice. This makes me a trustworthy person, and you will always know where you stand with me.

I also demand that people around me speak clearly too, whether they like it or not. If I ask if something is okay and you say yes (but wanted to say no), I will proceed—and if you get mad about it, that’s not my problem. If you tell me not to bother but you’re secretly hoping I will, I am not going to bother, and your frustration is not my problem. You can speak in riddles and remain perpetually disappointed, or you can speak clearly and everything gets easier.

What you choose is not my business, but I will live my life like this.

I’m FIFTY!

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the intersection of these lessons and my privilege—it is easier for me to disappoint people and shake off hateful social media comments because of how I was born. I’m thinking about how these learnings play into misogyny and ageism, which seeks to makes older women invisible and presents us with less opportunities—but also grants us more freedom, if we choose to embrace that.

And I’m thinking about how my dad would always say “youth is wasted on the young.” I don’t believe that. My youth—the energy, vitality, optimism, self-centeredness, naivete—wasn’t wasted. In my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s, I did the best I could to take care of me, to learn these lessons, and to shape the woman I am today.

I’m also thinking that at 50, I’m just getting started.

XO, MU

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Birthday wishes

If you did want to get me something for my birthday, the only thing on my list is a pre-ordered signed copy of The New Whole30 from my local bookstore, The King’s English. It’s the same price as Amazon, but you’re supporting indies, I’ll sign it myself, and pre-orders are a huge vote of confidence for my work. Plus the present gets delivered to YOU in August—win/win!

And if that isn’t right for you, please share your best life advice in comments for someone younger. (Comments are open to everyone today!) ❤️