This is great. NAMI.org has a lot of resources and explains insurance, as well as giving support to family members.
The thing about therapy that everyone “wants” is to be given the answers, which is not what a therapist does. You have to work at therapy. Honest and guided self awareness and evaluation. It’s not everyone else’s fault or issue. What’s that phrase? If you meet an asshole in the morning, you met an asshole. If all you meet all day are assholes, you’re the asshole. (Some days you’re the bug and other days you’re the windshield.)
One thing I’ve run into is the “call out the bullshit” factor you mentioned. When I start therapy I’m armored up, and one way I do that is self deprecating humor. I’ve had a situation where the therapist never saw past my persona, then they seemed to like the persona so much I didn’t feel like I could get real. This went on for AGES! So much wasted time. Also I suggest an EMDR trained therapist for anyone battling with trauma. I had flashbacks for 19 years, tried all kinds of therapy, and EMDR finally helped me to be free from them.
Yes, I've heard amazing things about EMDR. (I've only done one or two sessions myself.) The "bullshit" question is my deciding factor--if a therapist is like, "Well, I'd need to get to know you first, and..." I'm out. My first therapist (the man I owe my recovery to) was BRUTAL in his call-outs. It was exactly what I needed.
The first time I read this article I finally began the long awaited therapy journey. So THANK YOU. 💜💜💜💜
I have two challenges here. First, it has been incredibly hard to find a therapist who meets in person. I was wait listed at four clinics/offices before finding my therapist. That was tough. Second, I have now been with her for 5 months and I'm still not clicking, but the process of finding SOMEONE who is a.) in network and b.) meets in person was so challenging that I'm reluctant to try again. Finally, IF I end up finding someone else, how do I say "thank you for 8 months of therapy but I don't think we're a fit and I'm moving on..."
Finding a therapist post-pandemic is SO hard, I feel you. Is there a reason you don't want to meet virtually? It really would open up your options, and there is something about being able to be cozy in your own environment that I do like. (Plus it's easier for me to GO, especially during my lunch break.)
I'd also encourage you to talk to your current therapist: "I'm still feeling like we're not really clicking, even after five months--by now, I should feel more comfortable than I am, and I hoped to be seeing more progress. Can we talk about it?" Maybe it will lead to a conversation around, "What else are you looking for in therapy?" and perhaps a shift in their style or approach based on your feedback--or it won't, and there's your confirmation that it's time to move on.
I also think five months is plenty long to say, "I've given it my best shot, but I'm still feeling like something is missing, and I'm going to transition to another therapist." (Or you could keep seeing them once a month or so, just to continue to have the support, while you look for someone else, and then give them a week's notice when you do find someone.)
Unfortunately, I don't have a reliable safe space I can utilize for virtual sessions, so it's just not an option.
I like the advice you and Kris both provided about opening up a dialogue with my therapist about how the sessions are going. I'm going to try that when I see her in two weeks, then give it a few more sessions before making any decisions.
Ange - be brave enough to have that conversation with your current therapist. You deserve a fulfilling relationship with a therapist who both makes you feel safe and pushes you a little. If a therapist takes it personally that you’re not a good fit, that’s their problem, not yours. And a professional should be just that: professional. You can also ask that person who they might recommend. It’s not personal to them, it’s personal to YOU. They (should) want you to find someone who fits better because they want you to get the help YOU need.
Thank you Kris! I really needed that affirmation. I have to keep remembering that they are professionals and it's their job to meet my needs, not the other way around. I really appreciate your input here!!
I’m late here but this is so timely for me right now! I just had to end things with a therapist I was seeing virtually because she was so distracted during our sessions and even on her phone at times.
I’m going through a tough time right now so I was worried about finding someone new, but this is great motivation and a reminder that I should feel good at the end of a session. Thank you!
This is great. NAMI.org has a lot of resources and explains insurance, as well as giving support to family members.
The thing about therapy that everyone “wants” is to be given the answers, which is not what a therapist does. You have to work at therapy. Honest and guided self awareness and evaluation. It’s not everyone else’s fault or issue. What’s that phrase? If you meet an asshole in the morning, you met an asshole. If all you meet all day are assholes, you’re the asshole. (Some days you’re the bug and other days you’re the windshield.)
Hahaha, that's a great saying. (It's me, hi, I'm the problem...) Thanks for adding NAMI.org too.
I love that! The asshole saying : ) SO TRUE and really helped drive home the rest of your point for me.
One thing I’ve run into is the “call out the bullshit” factor you mentioned. When I start therapy I’m armored up, and one way I do that is self deprecating humor. I’ve had a situation where the therapist never saw past my persona, then they seemed to like the persona so much I didn’t feel like I could get real. This went on for AGES! So much wasted time. Also I suggest an EMDR trained therapist for anyone battling with trauma. I had flashbacks for 19 years, tried all kinds of therapy, and EMDR finally helped me to be free from them.
Yes, I've heard amazing things about EMDR. (I've only done one or two sessions myself.) The "bullshit" question is my deciding factor--if a therapist is like, "Well, I'd need to get to know you first, and..." I'm out. My first therapist (the man I owe my recovery to) was BRUTAL in his call-outs. It was exactly what I needed.
The first time I read this article I finally began the long awaited therapy journey. So THANK YOU. 💜💜💜💜
I have two challenges here. First, it has been incredibly hard to find a therapist who meets in person. I was wait listed at four clinics/offices before finding my therapist. That was tough. Second, I have now been with her for 5 months and I'm still not clicking, but the process of finding SOMEONE who is a.) in network and b.) meets in person was so challenging that I'm reluctant to try again. Finally, IF I end up finding someone else, how do I say "thank you for 8 months of therapy but I don't think we're a fit and I'm moving on..."
Finding a therapist post-pandemic is SO hard, I feel you. Is there a reason you don't want to meet virtually? It really would open up your options, and there is something about being able to be cozy in your own environment that I do like. (Plus it's easier for me to GO, especially during my lunch break.)
I'd also encourage you to talk to your current therapist: "I'm still feeling like we're not really clicking, even after five months--by now, I should feel more comfortable than I am, and I hoped to be seeing more progress. Can we talk about it?" Maybe it will lead to a conversation around, "What else are you looking for in therapy?" and perhaps a shift in their style or approach based on your feedback--or it won't, and there's your confirmation that it's time to move on.
I also think five months is plenty long to say, "I've given it my best shot, but I'm still feeling like something is missing, and I'm going to transition to another therapist." (Or you could keep seeing them once a month or so, just to continue to have the support, while you look for someone else, and then give them a week's notice when you do find someone.)
Maybe a therapist here can also weigh in. :)
Unfortunately, I don't have a reliable safe space I can utilize for virtual sessions, so it's just not an option.
I like the advice you and Kris both provided about opening up a dialogue with my therapist about how the sessions are going. I'm going to try that when I see her in two weeks, then give it a few more sessions before making any decisions.
Yes, I understand. Please do keep us posted as to how the conversation goes!
Ange - be brave enough to have that conversation with your current therapist. You deserve a fulfilling relationship with a therapist who both makes you feel safe and pushes you a little. If a therapist takes it personally that you’re not a good fit, that’s their problem, not yours. And a professional should be just that: professional. You can also ask that person who they might recommend. It’s not personal to them, it’s personal to YOU. They (should) want you to find someone who fits better because they want you to get the help YOU need.
Sending love!!
Thank you Kris! I really needed that affirmation. I have to keep remembering that they are professionals and it's their job to meet my needs, not the other way around. I really appreciate your input here!!
Good luck! Let us know how it goes!
I’m late here but this is so timely for me right now! I just had to end things with a therapist I was seeing virtually because she was so distracted during our sessions and even on her phone at times.
I’m going through a tough time right now so I was worried about finding someone new, but this is great motivation and a reminder that I should feel good at the end of a session. Thank you!
This is really good.
Thanks so much, my friend. XO