This issue features concepts from The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free. Read it with your eyeballs or listen on Audible—I read it myself!) Discover 130+ scripts and all the permission slips to help you set and hold boundaries in all of your relationships.
The other day, I offered to help someone with a work issue. I added, “You know I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t really mean it.” This is true. I don’t say “yes” or make offers like this reluctantly or resentfully. I tell the truth about what I want, what I can do, and whether I can help.
But I can’t say no every time I don’t want to do something. If that were the case, I’d skip school pick-up several days a week, because it interrupts my day. I’d call out at work, because hiking is more fun. I’d skip phone calls with my family, because I hate talking on the phone. But I do pick up my son, show up for work, and call my mom.
How can these two things be true? How can I always say what I mean, and also agree to things that aren’t my preference? It’s all in the way I think about it.
“I don’t want to do this” is not the same as “I don’t want to choose this.”
Sometimes I don't want to do the thing, but I genuinely want what doing the thing creates.
Let’s take school pick-up, because kids are a great example here. I do lots of things for my kid that aren’t what I’d choose to do if I were on my own. Over the summer, I drove him many times to and from an activity that was 30 minutes away. I could have been doing other things I’d consider more fun, but I offered to drive—and I wasn’t resentful about it.
Because sometimes, what I really want to do is facilitate someone else’s happiness.
I think about what would make my son happy. I think about what having a day out with friends would mean to him. I look back on my childhood and appreciate how often my parents took me out with my friends. So I said yes, not because I wanted to spend an hour in the car, but because I wanted to give my son a fun day with his friends.
I go to work because, like everyone, I need a paycheck. In truth, that could be reason enough—so let’s run with it. I don’t want to work, but I do want a safe, comfortable home for my family. I do want to be able to buy healthy food. I do want to have two dogs, because they add so much to our lives. So I want to work because I want all of the things that working affords me.
If I won the lottery, would I still work? Yes. I love working with my team and take satisfaction in our collective creativity. I also care about the community, and it makes my day to help you succeed. Would I rather be hiking than reviewing a budget? Of course. But I want to keep working, because I highly value the difference I’m making in people’s lives, and budgeting is part of that work.
Finally, I call my parents because I want our relationship to stay close and loving, and I know phone calls are meaningful to them. I like hanging up knowing my parents are a little bit happier because we talked on the phone. They’ve done so much for me; this is a small thing I can do for them. I choose that.
This is how I genuinely choose things I don’t want to do. When I think about it this way, it no longer sounds like an oxymoron. It’s harder to feel resentful when I recognize I’m actively choosing this—not because I want to do it, but because I want what happens when I do. The reframe reminds me that I’m not being forced into something I don’t want. I’m making a choice based on the outcome I value more.
Practical exercise
Think about an area where you are carrying resentment. This might be something you feel you “have” to do—visit a parent, attend your husband’s work events, listen to a friend vent. Then, ask yourself:
Do I need a boundary? If you don’t want to do it, and you don’t value the outcome enough to make doing it worthwhile, set the boundary. Ex: Grandma and Grandpa ask you to visit for Christmas. You’d rather not go, and you know the trip would be hard on the kids. Set the boundary and say no.
Do I need a reframe? If you don’t want to do it, but you do value what will happen if you said yes, reframe the experience. Ex: Grandma and Grandpa ask you to visit for Christmas. You’d rather not go, but you know the kids would love spending Christmas in Florida, and you’re willing to put up with the travel to give the family that experience. Reframe this and go.
There is no one-size-fits-all recommendation here. Some days, I said no to driving my son and his friends around. Your kids may love Christmas in Florida, but if the trip would be too stressful for you to enjoy, say no.
This is how you can say what you mean and willingly choose to do things that aren’t your preference: Stay focused on the result that makes you happier, more content, or more comfortable than saying no.
XO, MU
OOOOoof this is such a good reframe. My goal this week is to stop and reframe every time I think about something I need/have to do!
Is there something on your list right now that you'd call "I don't want to do this" when it's actually "I haven't checked lately whether I'd still choose it"? I used to carry a version of that same confusion before I had your clean split for it. A machine arrived this year that could do most of what I used to call my job. What it cannot do is the part underneath your distinction: choosing what matters to me and taking responsibility for the direction I pursue. It can propose a direction, question mine, and organize the work. I still have to decide whether I want to take that direction. "I don't want to do this" versus "I don't want to choose this" is the same fork my machine forces me to notice now, on most days, whether I like it or not.