I made a joke about men

I stand by the argument. I’m reconsidering the joke.

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Last week kicked off a lively debate with a tongue-in-cheek post about a recent hiking experience. This loop trail featured a peak with a fun scramble, epic views, and two lakes. The only downside is that the last half-mile is uphill.

I love hiking uphill. I’d rather go up than down, in all honesty—but I find it rude when you have to climb at the very end of a long hike. I’m tired, I’m dying to change into my Birkenstocks, and I really have to pee. Don’t make me work this hard! So at the end of my Reel, I made a little joke about how a man had to have designed a trail this offensive.

Paul (not his real name) heard that ending and sent me a message: “This is hilarious. If a man said this about a woman, you would immediately identify it as the toxic patriarchy.”

I get where he’s going. Paul’s reasoning is this: If I swap “man” for “woman” and the sentence becomes offensive, the original must be equally offensive. But language doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It doesn’t work independently of history, stereotypes, and power. The sentence may be structurally identical, but the context isn’t.

First, from a purely statistical perspective, my comment, “this trail was designed by a man,” is backed by data.

• Men hold 83% of civil engineering jobs

• Men hold 97-98% of land surveying jobs

• Of the 25 people Wasatch Trails lists across its organization, just 4 (16%) are women

Sarcasm aside, I’m almost certainly right—this trail was designed by a man. Still, none of this argument depends on me being right about who designed the trail. The statistics just make my “throwaway” joke considerably less random than Paul seemed to think.

Historically, women have been systematically excluded from positions of authority and expertise, especially in fields like engineering and surveying—the very jobs involved in designing trails like this one. Stereotypes about women being incompetent (bad at math, bad at planning, incapable of leadership, lacking strength and stamina) have been used to justify and reinforce those exclusions. A joke suggesting that something poorly designed “must have been designed by a woman” draws on a stereotype with a long history of being used to discredit women’s competence.

Patriarchy: Beliefs and social norms that place men in primary positions of power, authority, and moral leadership while restricting the autonomy and roles of women. (To put it simply: women’s oppression through male domination.)

However, “this trail must have been designed by a man” doesn’t carry that same baggage. Men have not experienced the same cultural belief that their sex makes them incapable of holding positions of authority or expertise. (In fact, men are often judged more competent than women based on their sex alone.)

I’m making a joke that cuts against a culture that assumes male competence. Paul’s hypothetical version about women would draw from and reinforce a stereotype historically used to question women’s competence.

So no, it’s not the same… but there’s more to consider about how my kind of joke lands.

You can argue that in general, gender-based jokes aren’t funny. A male trail-builder may watch my Reel and think, “That’s unkind. That trail was actually very well-designed.” That would be fair! And at no point am I saying, “When I talk shit about men, I’m just telling the truth.” In fact, this trail goes uphill at the end for good reason—the parking lot sits on the road, which is at a higher elevation than the lake.

So am I making a joke at the expense of men? Yes. Is there a reason for a man to take umbrage with my snark? Yes. But does my joke carry the same societal implications and weight that Paul’s “joke” does? No.

A woman can stereotype a man. She can be prejudiced against men. She can say something sexist or cruel about men. Individual men can be harmed by gender stereotypes. But individual prejudice and systemic sexism aren't interchangeable concepts—and that’s the takeaway I shared with Paul.

Of course, understanding the power dynamics doesn't give me a free pass to say whatever I want about men. Just because it’s not systemic oppression doesn’t make individual prejudice acceptable or kind. Part of the reason I’m sharing this story here is that I’ve been real angry at men lately, and exploring that in my personal development work. Part of that work is learning how to release the rage I feel in a healthy way.

This joke, as light as it is, came partly from that anger… so I’m also calling myself out here. I’ve been exploring where that joke came from: a dysregulated nervous system largely rooted in far too much time in Instagram comments. I’ve asked whether making it actually serves me, and admitted that it doesn’t. And I’ve already taken some action: reset my Instagram algorithm, spent a few days off social media entirely, and had an excellent session with my leadership coach.

I don't have to pretend systemic oppression and personal prejudice are equally harmful to decide I don't want to do either of them. I often say, “I’m only ever talking to myself here,” and this is a great example.

But I also want to highlight the way the patriarchy impacts all of us—which I shared with Paul in the DMs. He did say afterward, “I do appreciate a lot of your content. It is thought provoking. Not always true but I like different viewpoints.”

You know what, Paul? I’ll take it.

XO, MU

P.S. I’d love to hear how these themes resonate with you. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.