This email is brought to you by The Book of Boundaries. Learn to say no clearly and kindly to protect your time, energy, capacity, and mental health. Available in paperback and audiobook (narrated by me!), with 130+ scripts so you’ll know exactly what to say.
Hi Melissa! Last year, you offered advice to someone who wanted to quit their toxic job, but felt guilty leaving their co-workers. I have the opposite problem! I’m in the position to take over a leadership role at my company, but I don’t want to. Yes, it’s a promotion and a moderate raise, but at what cost? I’d have to manage people, and my workload would increase. How can I turn it down without sounding like I’m ungrateful or not a team player? —Happy on my rung of the ladder
Dear Happy,
We’ve been sold the idea that everyone should want to climb the corporate ladder. You work hard, put in the time, and someday you’ll be offered a title change, a raise, and a nicer office. And you’ll jump at the opportunity! Why else are you working?
I give you permission to say, “No thank you, that is not for me.” There are many reasons you might not want a promotion:
The new workload could negatively impact your stress levels, free time, and/or quality of life.
The job could require a totally different skill set,* which you either don’t have or don’t want to pursue.
It may require you to give up tasks that you truly love, moving away from the creative work and into budgets and KPIs.
You may be asked to manage people, which is a challenge in its own right.
It may require you to play a level of office politics you just don’t want to play.
It may require aspects you don’t want, like travel, working nights, or being “on call” on weekends.
*My dad once told me, “Everyone is eventually promoted to their level of incompetence.” (That’s called the Peter Principle.) You’ll be the smartest person in the room if you know where your level is—and don’t go there.
File that under “not your job”
Any of these reasons would be totally valid. But I get why you think saying no might make you look ungrateful, unmotivated, or not a team player. Of course, I’d argue that your performance in your current role proves you are motivated and a very good team player. Otherwise they wouldn’t have offered you a promotion. Which means management should be happy for you to stay in that role, doing that important work!
However, you can’t hang your hat on management being logical here, especially if your “no” puts them in a bind. The thing is, that’s not your problem, nor your responsibility. You might be an “easy” choice for that leadership role, in that you’ll require less training, already have the team’s trust, or (they think) can be pressured into taking on more than the JD describes. But it’s not your responsibility to make things easier for the company while sacrificing your own time, energy, and happiness.
You can say no. And if you don’t want the promotion, you should say no.
How to respond
You can respond any number of ways, but this is a nerve-wracking conversation for most. So in true Boundary Lady style, here’s a template script with options:
Express gratitude: “I’m grateful for the opportunity/I’m honored you thought of me for this role/Thank you for demonstrating your confidence in me.”
Say no clearly: “(And also) I’m going to decline this new position and stay where I am/I’m happy where I am, and am not interested in moving into leadership/I enjoy my current role and don’t want to move.”
You could leave it there. However, this conversation probably requires more explanation—especially as they may try to talk you out of your decision.
Explain your rationale: You could be diplomatic or blunt here, depending on your relationship with leadership. It may sound like, “I have no interest in managing people, and that’s a huge part of the role,” or “I like being so involved in the creative process, and moving into the VP role would be a step away from that.” It could also sound like, “I watch Sharon coming in early and working late just to keep up—I don’t want that,” or “Frankly, I have no interest in working with Jeff or Brian. They’re sexist and condescending, and treat the women on their team like assistants.”
They will likely try to convince you otherwise. They may offer more money, or make promises to assuage your concerns. (“We’ll work with you to manage your workload,” or “We’ll talk to Jeff and Brian.”) If your concerns could be mitigated by these actions, take them up on it, and be crystal clear on your expectations. If they would not, or you don’t trust them to follow through, stand firm.
Reiterate your “no”: “I appreciate that, but it’s not a matter of more money/more assistance/more training. I’m happy where I am, and don’t want to be a VP.” Or, “I hope you do those things for whoever gets the role. They’ll need that kind of support to succeed—but that person isn’t me.”
Management may also low-key threaten you, or make you think it’s “take the role or else.” If you suspect this may happen, come prepared with your Red boundary.*
Don’t back down: "You know I am a hard worker and a team player—otherwise you wouldn’t have offered me the promotion. And I will continue to maintain those high levels in my current role.” Or, “It sounds like you’re saying I have to take the promotion or you’ll fire me, despite my excellent performance reviews. Is that what you’re saying?”
If you’re actually ready to walk: “Then you’ll have to fire me—and you’ll be down two key positions at the same time. Also, this conversation is not sitting well with me. I think I should speak with H.R.”
Finally, document everything in writing, especially if the conversation happened in person. Send your boss (or whoever offered you the promotion) an email outlining what they said and what you said, then ask them to reply if they have anything to add or correct. (Just in case you need a paper trail.)
*If you’ve received good performance reviews, turning down a promotion isn’t cause for termination. However, employers can still play dirty, like planning a “corporate reorganization” where your current role is eliminated. Consult a lawyer if the conversation doesn’t go well, and you’re worried your company won’t play fair.
Your happy rung
One way you can avoid this awkward situation in the first place is to expectation-set early. I have a friend in a Senior Director role who absolutely does not want to become a Vice President—and she’s said so a dozen times to the right people. This can also make it easier to decline if they don’t take you at your word. (“Remember when I said I didn’t want your job? I meant it.”)
Finally, if you can authentically offer something to help their job search, now is a good time to do so. You can suggest someone else for the role (if you think they’d do a good job and are interested), offer to review resumes, or commit to interviewing potential candidates. This reaffirms your “team player” status and makes it extra, super-duper clear that this person will not be you.
XO, MU
