Reparenting is so, so powerful. I am happy to hear that you’ve found it helpful. Similarly, I have had to continually reparent myself - yesterday, in fact, was a hideous day with my mother. I don’t use this word often, but it was actually pretty freaking traumatizing. Came back from my parents’ house, opted to watch the Tony’s because that’s the most fun and best award show, and when I got in bed with the foster dog, I started talking to TK (Teen Krista). I asked her what she was thinking and feeling. And I ended up crying, which is not a thing that I typically do. I let her feel her feelings - rage and sadness and being demoralized. I let her know that those feelings were absolutely valid, and that we did not cause that reaction from my mother. Things had been pretty good with my mom for a few years, but whew, yesterday was a giant step backwards, and it has me reeling. One of the things I have struggled with is not being ANYONE’s priority. I have to make myself my priority, because no one else is. It’s my growth lesson for this year, I believe. Acceptance that I am and must be my own best friend, parent, and partner is the only way I move forward with ease. It doesn’t mean that no one loves me or that I’m alone. It just means that walking around subconsciously (and consciously) disappointed that people I put my needs aside for will not reciprocate in kind will keep me running on the same track forever. I can be at peace with that. Thankfully, I have a good therapist!! Today, I am sad, and trying to figure out how to (and if) there is a way I can constructively address what happened yesterday. Previous experience has shown that addressing it may be futile, unfortunately. [sigh]
@Kris a friend gave me some VERY wise advice last year as I'm in the thick of caring for my own mother and it's really changed how I operate now. She said, "In caring for a loved one, remember that you can not make them healthier. But if you aren't prioritizing yourself, they can very much make you sicker." And oh boy is that some truthy-truth. Hope that helps you as much as it gave me some very needed perspective and permission.
Thank you for that, Rebe. Fortunately for me, I’d be the last choice in caring for my mother, so I suppose not being on the priority list might have some benefits. Sending good thoughts and gentle vibes to you as you navigate caring for your mom.
Thank you for “One of the things I have struggled with is not being ANYONE’s priority. I have to make myself my priority, because no one else is.” Just wrapped up my 7th decade and so can tell you with a measure of certainty that this lesson is a hard teacher and will manifest in one’s failing health if not taken to heart.
MU has put her precious insight into powerful written works on boundaries that may help in dealing with the continuing destructive parenting you are experiencing. Because, after all, you can’t change anyone else’s behavior, only your own response.
I just bought The Body Keeps the Score a few weeks ago. I bought it in paperback so I can make notes. I’ll be 50 in November and this process of healing is definitely lifelong.
Meditation & Breathwork are cornerstones of my self-care.
When teaching other SpEd parents how to stay calm and true to how they want to parent and who they want to be during some really intense moments with their kiddos, I distilled it down to its absolute minimum effective dose...2 slow deep breaths done with intention.
I call it a "stoplight" meditation for several reasons: it's fast enough you can do it IN THE MOMENT you need to recenter yourself - like at a literal stoplight. And more importantly, it forces you to stop for a moment before proceeding safely.
I'm amazed at how often these 2 deep breaths (bonus points for closing your eyes and putting your hand on your heart) are all that is needed to reset your nervous system so you can respond in alignment with everyone's highest good.
I’ve maintained a daily meditation practice for almost 4 years now and can confirm it’s made such a significant difference in my emotional and spiritual wellbeing, thereby my physical wellbeing. Love that you highlighted this 🧘🏼♀️
Interesting that this pops up after I went out to check on my flower garden tonight. I was remorseful because I don’t have a healthy relationship with my mom and tonight it pissed me off that her angry narcissistic personality is still robbing me of the opportunity to show her how nice and big my plants are. We used to make flower baskets on Mother’s Day every year and now I’m not doing that with her and I’m sad about it. I don’t want to see her or talk to her either but miss the opportunity to talk about these things that bring me joy with her.
Reparenting is so, so powerful. I am happy to hear that you’ve found it helpful. Similarly, I have had to continually reparent myself - yesterday, in fact, was a hideous day with my mother. I don’t use this word often, but it was actually pretty freaking traumatizing. Came back from my parents’ house, opted to watch the Tony’s because that’s the most fun and best award show, and when I got in bed with the foster dog, I started talking to TK (Teen Krista). I asked her what she was thinking and feeling. And I ended up crying, which is not a thing that I typically do. I let her feel her feelings - rage and sadness and being demoralized. I let her know that those feelings were absolutely valid, and that we did not cause that reaction from my mother. Things had been pretty good with my mom for a few years, but whew, yesterday was a giant step backwards, and it has me reeling. One of the things I have struggled with is not being ANYONE’s priority. I have to make myself my priority, because no one else is. It’s my growth lesson for this year, I believe. Acceptance that I am and must be my own best friend, parent, and partner is the only way I move forward with ease. It doesn’t mean that no one loves me or that I’m alone. It just means that walking around subconsciously (and consciously) disappointed that people I put my needs aside for will not reciprocate in kind will keep me running on the same track forever. I can be at peace with that. Thankfully, I have a good therapist!! Today, I am sad, and trying to figure out how to (and if) there is a way I can constructively address what happened yesterday. Previous experience has shown that addressing it may be futile, unfortunately. [sigh]
@Kris a friend gave me some VERY wise advice last year as I'm in the thick of caring for my own mother and it's really changed how I operate now. She said, "In caring for a loved one, remember that you can not make them healthier. But if you aren't prioritizing yourself, they can very much make you sicker." And oh boy is that some truthy-truth. Hope that helps you as much as it gave me some very needed perspective and permission.
Thank you for that, Rebe. Fortunately for me, I’d be the last choice in caring for my mother, so I suppose not being on the priority list might have some benefits. Sending good thoughts and gentle vibes to you as you navigate caring for your mom.
Thank you for “One of the things I have struggled with is not being ANYONE’s priority. I have to make myself my priority, because no one else is.” Just wrapped up my 7th decade and so can tell you with a measure of certainty that this lesson is a hard teacher and will manifest in one’s failing health if not taken to heart.
MU has put her precious insight into powerful written works on boundaries that may help in dealing with the continuing destructive parenting you are experiencing. Because, after all, you can’t change anyone else’s behavior, only your own response.
Be well.
I just bought The Body Keeps the Score a few weeks ago. I bought it in paperback so I can make notes. I’ll be 50 in November and this process of healing is definitely lifelong.
Meditation & Breathwork are cornerstones of my self-care.
When teaching other SpEd parents how to stay calm and true to how they want to parent and who they want to be during some really intense moments with their kiddos, I distilled it down to its absolute minimum effective dose...2 slow deep breaths done with intention.
I call it a "stoplight" meditation for several reasons: it's fast enough you can do it IN THE MOMENT you need to recenter yourself - like at a literal stoplight. And more importantly, it forces you to stop for a moment before proceeding safely.
I'm amazed at how often these 2 deep breaths (bonus points for closing your eyes and putting your hand on your heart) are all that is needed to reset your nervous system so you can respond in alignment with everyone's highest good.
I’ve maintained a daily meditation practice for almost 4 years now and can confirm it’s made such a significant difference in my emotional and spiritual wellbeing, thereby my physical wellbeing. Love that you highlighted this 🧘🏼♀️
Interesting that this pops up after I went out to check on my flower garden tonight. I was remorseful because I don’t have a healthy relationship with my mom and tonight it pissed me off that her angry narcissistic personality is still robbing me of the opportunity to show her how nice and big my plants are. We used to make flower baskets on Mother’s Day every year and now I’m not doing that with her and I’m sad about it. I don’t want to see her or talk to her either but miss the opportunity to talk about these things that bring me joy with her.