Staying with family without losing your mind

We're about to get REAL cozy with family during the holidays. Here's how to navigate a crowded house, different schedules, and lots of opinions with grace (ish).

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Whether family is staying with you or you’re staying with family, the holidays can be both joyful and stressful. Travel planning, packing, meal prepping, cleaning, organizing, and figuring out who’s going to sleep where can make even the closest of families feel a little prickly.

As with most years, we’re heading to southern Utah to stay with my parents this year, and though their house is small, I’ve got my “merry and bright” staying-with-family routine on lock. Here are four things I have learned I need to feel rested, recharged, and excited for our eighth game of Yahtzee during our stay.

Move your body

I have to maintain my movement routine when staying with family; it’s non-negotiable for my mental and physical health. What I do is entirely negotiable, depending on the circumstances, but I have to do something.

Since I am a morning workout person, I’ve set the expectation early. “I’ll be getting up at 6 AM to hit the gym/go for a walk/go for a run. I’ll be quiet, and the kid will probably sleep until I’m back around 7:30; if not he’ll entertain himself. Let me know if you want me to grab anything on my way back, like coffee or eggs.”

If you have a movement practice, you may have to compromise what you do, when you do it, or the length of time you do it for. (The above might not work if we were planning a special family breakfast for 8 AM, or if the gym didn’t open until 9 AM.)

• Determine what is most important for your family traditions, and work around that. Maybe it’s breakfast, a midday meal, afternoon football, 4 PM dinner, etc. Plan your movement session around the top priorities.

• If you have kids, figure out a way you and your partner can both get quality movement in. You can split shifts, go together if someone is willing to babysit, or bring the kid with you on a team stroller run or hike.

• Look for gyms in the area, and consider a day pass. (Almost every gym does this.) Bring a yoga mat, and carve out time in a spare room, basement, or garage for a no-equipment workout. Find a local trail, park, or running route on AllTrails or Strava.

• Walks are money here. This could also become a second movement session later in the day, either alone or with others. Bring a rucking pack or weighted vest for extra cardio.

Sleep your face off

My mood, energy, and concussion symptoms all hinge on a good night’s sleep. That can be hard in a packed house with kids, dogs, different schedules, and unfamiliar environments. However, I have found ways to sleep like a baby during our family visits, with a little planning and preparation.

• Go to bed at a reasonable time, even if you’re pressured to stay up. Remind them that you’re not asking them to be up at 6 AM, and it’s okay to be on different schedules.

• If you’re road tripping, pack your own pillow or heavy blanket—anything that brings familiarity and comfort.

• Bring a sleep mask, to block out bright lights. This is especially helpful if you’re used to blackout curtains in your own bedroom. (Your parents’ wooden blinds cannot compete, and why is that porch light shining straight into your room?)

• Pack your Ozlo Sleepbuds. (This is my TOP TIP.) They’re tiny, comfortable, and can block out all of those noises that keep you up or wake you up. Snoring, dogs barking, parents watching Murder She Wrote at midnight at top volume, and street noise are no match for these miracles of modern technology. Get a pair for your partner too, so nobody is cranky in the morning.

• Crack your window. Why do so many of our parents sleep at an ungodly temperature? (The thermostat is 70 degrees overnight, really?) We let a little fresh, cold air into our room and it’s like a lullaby. Bonus: zero hot flashes.

Get some quiet time

As a certified introvert, I need alone time regularly. This is especially true if I’m staying with family (or they’re staying with me). This is the only way I can recharge and be a generous, patient, friendly person for all four days.

You may not need alone time, but you should build in some quiet time during these holiday visits. This is good for your mental health and stress levels, but your parents and kids would probably benefit from this too. It can be hard to be so far out of your normal routine, and some dedicated quiet/restful/alone time can regulate nervous systems and restore good cheer.

• Go for a walk. This satisfies strategy #1, but can also function as alone time. If someone says, “Oh, do you want company,” or “Oh, I’ll join you,” you can say, “No, thanks, I could use 20 minutes of quiet time.” In fact, I recommend this.

• Clean up. I love shooing everyone into the living room and cleaning the kitchen by myself. It’s meditative, it’s quiet, and I can even pop headphones in and listen to an audiobook for even more of an immersive experience.

• Be alone together. Designate family reading time, listen to music by the fire, flip through photo albums, or write your holiday cards. This is quality time, while allowing everyone to relax and not feel the pressure to “entertain.”

• Run an errand. I’m the first to grab the keys and offer to pick up groceries, grab everyone coffee, fill the car with gas… Whatever you need, I’m your girl (and I’ll be going by myself and taking the long way home).

Have some planned activities

Often during the holidays, the weather isn’t great, and our grandparents or little ones aren’t going to want to spend a lot of time outside. You might not have a particularly active family. You might not live near a ski hill, beach, or hiking trails. I quickly go stir-crazy without something to do, and I can only watch so many Christmas movies.

Over the years, we’ve identified plenty of family activities to choose from, for those “what do you want to do now” moments. Bonus: Those who want to participate can, and those who don’t can get some quiet or alone time.

• Play a game. Card games, board games, drawing games, guessing games—these can be fun for the whole family, and usually easy to customize to any size group.

• Do a puzzle. You’ll need a large surface for this, but if you can co-opt a table somewhere, a puzzle is the perfect family activity. People can pop in and drop in a piece or two, or sit down together and work on the edges. You can also use puzzle-building as your quiet/alone time!

• Make something. We’ve made gingerbread houses, baked cookies or cakes, and made our own Christmas wreath in holidays past. You could do a craft (like making holiday cards or ornaments), build some LEGO, or decorate cookies.

• Make it an outing. There’s a store by my parents’ house that carries guns and knives, cowboy hats and boots, a huge selection of dog treats, and live baby chicks. (It’s wild!) A family trip to Cal Ranch is one of our favorite activities. It can be fun to plan a trip to a local store, craft fair, winter farmers market, or museum.

Merry and bright

A few small tweaks and some up-front planning can make family visits feel easier, more relaxed, and more restorative. And if you feel selfish for wanting any of this for yourself, remember—your needs and feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s. And you might be surprised at how much others appreciate the opportunity for alone time, quiet time, or outdoor time.

What are some of your best “visiting the family for the holidays” tips, besides having your therapist on speed-dial? (I kid, I kid… but also not really?) Share them in comments and help your fellow XOMU’ers craft a happy, healthy holiday season.

XO, MU