The best relationship advice my mom ever gave me

It wasn't even advice, but it changed my perspective on "good" relationships

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My stepdad Doug died in October 2024. He and my mom were married for 29 years, and modeled the healthiest and most loving relationship. (Doug made a few too many jokes about how sexy my mom still was, IMO, but I should be so lucky at 75 years old.)

Still, Doug was not without his quirks; he was incredibly particular about the way he liked stuff done. The Kitchen Sponge was perhaps his most famous example. Doug had one sponge for doing dishes (oval), and one sponge for wiping the counters (rectangular). During one visit many years ago, I decided to clean their kitchen during some down time. After washing, drying, and putting away all of their dishes, I began to wipe the counters. Doug noticed I wasn’t using The Kitchen Sponge and barked at me, “Wrong sponge, Melissa!”

I rolled my eyes, exasperated. When someone offers to clean my house, I don’t care how they do it, I’m just grateful for the help. But I apologized, thoroughly rinsed The Dish Sponge and began wiping with The Kitchen Sponge.

Later that day while Doug was out running errands, I asked my mom, “How do you deal with that? The Kitchen Sponge, which pan you use for eggs, where you hang the coat… it’s just so picky. Don’t you roll your eyes sometimes?”

My mom didn’t even hesitate. “You know, Melissa, that man does so many things right. He’s good to me in so many ways that it’s easy to overlook the small stuff.”

That relationship advice (that wasn’t even advice) has stuck with me for more than 20 years. In fact, I think about it (and Doug) every single day.

My husband leaves the big lights on all over the house, even in the middle of day. He leaves the sink on spray mode, so when I turn it on, it shoots up all over me and the counter. He forgets a hat in every room he visits. He prefers to leave his shoes on in the house, even though I’ve asked him to change into slippers a million times.

I turn off the lights, change the sprayer mode, put his hats away, and mop the floors without saying a word. Ever. Because that man does so much right. He drives the kid around when he can see I need alone time, without me ever having to ask. He takes the dogs out when he knows I’m busy, keeps the common areas of the house clean, refuses to let me touch the garbage, and gets the mail because he knows I hate that task. Every time he leaves the house, he asks if I need something, and he’ll go miles out of his way if I do. He’s thoughtful, considerate, and constantly finds small ways to make my day better or easier.

I do not care about lights or the sink or hats or dirty floors. Literally do not care. I will mop the kitchen floor every day, because where it counts, he gets it right.

My relationships haven’t always been like this. I’ve had partners drop the ball on really big stuff and small stuff in equal measure. (In which case, we weren’t arguing over small stuff anyway.) But if you’ve got someone in your life who does the big stuff well, where could you show grace? What could you overlook, take over, or remind them about for the seventeenth time because in the grand scheme, it’s small stuff? What could you compromise on, do their way, or just let go, because big-picture, you’ve realized it just doesn’t matter that much?

Only you know what’s truly “small stuff,” and my “I don’t care” might be your, “This is the only thing I ask.” The point is, in your relationship, what’s big, and what’s small?When I ask, “What kind of big stuff is your partner doing for you,” what comes to mind? Is there anything small in that relationship that you could just let go, either in appreciation or in an effort to focus your energy on what really matters? How would that feel—for both of you? Leave your thoughts in comments.

XO, MU

P.S. This advice could apply to anyone—not just a spouse. But in a marriage, where your partner affects your day-to-day life more than anyone else, it feels extra-valuable.