My husband of 27 years likes to leave dishes in the sink. It low-key drives me nuts. For some reason I hate dishes left in the sink. I’ve never said anything about it because I know the magnitude of my feelings about it are out of proportion. But what liberated me was when I realized a few years ago that this is my burden to carry, not his. I’m the one who hates dishes in the sink, not him. If I don’t like dishes in the sink, I can wash them or I can put them in the dishwasher. Or I can leave them be. All choices that are mine. I also like your framing too. He absolutely does the big things right. I’m so grateful I never mentioned the dishes. I’m certain he overlooks a bunch of my nonsense too. (I suspect I’m full of nonsense.)
This is exactly specifically me. I cannot go to bed if there is a single dish in the sink. My husband thinks a dish or two in the sink, properly rinsed, is acceptable. And it is! That is a perfectly reasonable standard of cleanliness. So when it bugs me, I just do it.
Could you start looking at the coffee grounds as a sign he is around and maybe that will trigger a smile? I am doubtful in how to explain this. My husband sometimes leaves trash around, like an empty soda can and it would trigger me so much (sometimes it still does!) bc of how many times I’ve asked him to clean up as he goes… but recently I look at it as a sign that he is here. It’s a small thing and he does so much right.
My husband leaves coffee grounds in the sink when he rinses the coffee filter. Every.Single.Day. If I don't come to rinse them soon-ish, they dry to the bottom and then I need to scrub them off with a sponge. I've been working on letting this go, because as you say, it is "MY" burden to carry (not his) and it's certainly not a big deal in the big scheme, but the hardest part is experiencing how triggered my brain gets by it every day. (I don't say anything to him). :)
Knowing Quinn, you should tell him you just learned that coffee grounds are one of the most problematic things to put down your garbage disposal, so for the sake of the appliance (because replacement is expensive) he should start throwing them in the trash.
“Coffee grounds, when mixed with water, can form a sludgy, dense mass that might clog or strain the disposal’s mechanisms. And this can lead to blockages, foul odors, or even damage to the disposal unit itself.” —Billy the Plumber 😁
I totally know how you feel! My brain was also super triggered. But there is freedom to be found! Sending solidarity as you rinse out those coffee grounds. :)
I wish I’d seen this 15 or even 10 years ago, because I am Doug! My system for sponges is color coated, and my husband could never get it right! I bitched at him constantly about it.
Unfortunately, he passed away last August. Now I would give anything to have him here to use the wrong sponge. And I realize the biggest thing he always got right, is that he loved me dearly, even though I was always bitching at him.
That said, how much more could we have gotten out of our relationship, how much more pleasure living together, if I could’ve embraced your message! Thank you for sharing with us all!!
I am so sorry for your loss. I am certain you showed your love and appreciation for your husband in so many ways. But this is a bittersweet reminder to always say the good stuff with those you love. XO
I LOVE THAT. I tried to do a 30-day "no complaining" challenge on year and made it 0 days. Instead of pushing through, though, I just quit. Maybe I should try again, understanding that NOT complaining takes practice!?
I would suggest that instead of “no complaining” maybe aim for “less complaining”. If I tried to get rid of ALL complaining I’m not sure I would make it through the first morning! I realized about a month or so ago that I sometimes complain just to complain, or I complain about the same thing over and over and over again. No one wants to hear it - I even bore myself with it! - so I’m just aiming to make sure that the complaining less but also to make sure that the complaint is warranted.
Maybe it's not about pushing through but redirecting the complaining? Either framing it better, or more kindly, as a request or deciding consciously to let it go. I want to complain less this year too and have been thinking a lot about it. Great newsletter, thank you!
This has been living rent-free in my head ever since I read it a few weeks ago and I love it. Helps me keep perspective when my fiance leaves his clothes on the floor for the millionth time =)
You have no idea how much i needed to read this right NOW! I think i could be a nag, potentially. I am picky. Sometimes very picky. I’m no neat freak but areas of the bathroom and kitchen are my peeve. My husband? Not so much. He isn’t horrible but assumes much. I realize after 15 yrs , i sound like an old hag correcting him and reminding him and frankly, I’m getting on my own nerves!! I don’t like myself for it because i realize how this man loves me and takes care of me in so many other ways! And i think he likely has quirks about me that he hasn’t allowed to make him miserable because he still keeps coming home. Its not like i didn’t already know but reading this right now, at this very moment made me cry. Imma let it go just keep doing things without criticizing the way he does or the way he doesn’t.
I was irritated at my spouse when we first got married because of the way he folded the laundry. My therapist told me “it’s getting done, isn’t it?” And that changed my perspective immediately because he also did all the big things right including rubbing my head at night while I fell asleep on the couch. He did the vacuuming and dusting (which I HATE). Did he do it to my standard—no—but it got done!
Been married 45 years. You learn to let the little stuff go & discuss the big stuff. I’m so happy after many years of doing all the family laundry that my husband now takes care of his own. What a nice break! I appreciate all of things he does do around the house. Things I don’t want to deal with. Compromise and agree works for us,
I love this! I can 100% relate as my husband has ADD and forgets things a lot and it used to aggravate me to no end in the beginning. Over 19 years of marriage I’ve learned the difference between the big and the small things and he always shows up for the big stuff. Thank you for this beautiful reminder ❤️
I love this so much! Married 26 years and I have only in the past 10 or so begun to recognize this. Not to mention, it's pretty myopic to assume that WE don't also have quirks or habits that our spouse must choose to overlook. Sometimes we get so caught up in what irritates US, that we forget that we might also be annoying in some ways.
YES! I ask my husband all the time, “what are some small things I do that bother you,” and he says, “nothing.” And he’s not lying. So he has embraced this to the max degree, and I am trying to do the same. 😂
As a widow of a really good guy, I love this advice. Hopefully I wasn't sweating the small stuff too much while he was alive, I know he made my life and our kids' lives so much better too.
Thank you for the great reminder about focusing on what really matters in any relationship!
An fyi about Ozlo: I used them for a single night on 3/10 volume and woke up with tinnitus. Thought it'd go away, like after going to a concert, but it hasn't. Acupuncture hasn't helped. ENT says it might go away, but it's been 3 months. I'm glad others have found them to be a great sleep aid, but it's not for everyone. 😕
Solid! After 32 yrs of marriage sometimes the small stuff becomes big. Thank you for the reminder not to sweat the small stuff but be grateful for everything else. This may be your best yet! XO
My husband of 27 years likes to leave dishes in the sink. It low-key drives me nuts. For some reason I hate dishes left in the sink. I’ve never said anything about it because I know the magnitude of my feelings about it are out of proportion. But what liberated me was when I realized a few years ago that this is my burden to carry, not his. I’m the one who hates dishes in the sink, not him. If I don’t like dishes in the sink, I can wash them or I can put them in the dishwasher. Or I can leave them be. All choices that are mine. I also like your framing too. He absolutely does the big things right. I’m so grateful I never mentioned the dishes. I’m certain he overlooks a bunch of my nonsense too. (I suspect I’m full of nonsense.)
This is exactly specifically me. I cannot go to bed if there is a single dish in the sink. My husband thinks a dish or two in the sink, properly rinsed, is acceptable. And it is! That is a perfectly reasonable standard of cleanliness. So when it bugs me, I just do it.
Could you start looking at the coffee grounds as a sign he is around and maybe that will trigger a smile? I am doubtful in how to explain this. My husband sometimes leaves trash around, like an empty soda can and it would trigger me so much (sometimes it still does!) bc of how many times I’ve asked him to clean up as he goes… but recently I look at it as a sign that he is here. It’s a small thing and he does so much right.
My husband leaves coffee grounds in the sink when he rinses the coffee filter. Every.Single.Day. If I don't come to rinse them soon-ish, they dry to the bottom and then I need to scrub them off with a sponge. I've been working on letting this go, because as you say, it is "MY" burden to carry (not his) and it's certainly not a big deal in the big scheme, but the hardest part is experiencing how triggered my brain gets by it every day. (I don't say anything to him). :)
Knowing Quinn, you should tell him you just learned that coffee grounds are one of the most problematic things to put down your garbage disposal, so for the sake of the appliance (because replacement is expensive) he should start throwing them in the trash.
“Coffee grounds, when mixed with water, can form a sludgy, dense mass that might clog or strain the disposal’s mechanisms. And this can lead to blockages, foul odors, or even damage to the disposal unit itself.” —Billy the Plumber 😁
I totally know how you feel! My brain was also super triggered. But there is freedom to be found! Sending solidarity as you rinse out those coffee grounds. :)
I love this beautiful reminder and all the comments. What a supportive and beautiful community.
I wish I’d seen this 15 or even 10 years ago, because I am Doug! My system for sponges is color coated, and my husband could never get it right! I bitched at him constantly about it.
Unfortunately, he passed away last August. Now I would give anything to have him here to use the wrong sponge. And I realize the biggest thing he always got right, is that he loved me dearly, even though I was always bitching at him.
That said, how much more could we have gotten out of our relationship, how much more pleasure living together, if I could’ve embraced your message! Thank you for sharing with us all!!
I am so sorry for your loss. I am certain you showed your love and appreciation for your husband in so many ways. But this is a bittersweet reminder to always say the good stuff with those you love. XO
I needed this message! Thank you.
One of my goals in 2026 is to complain less. This is a good reminder to let the little stuff go and to focus on all that is right with my partner.
I LOVE THAT. I tried to do a 30-day "no complaining" challenge on year and made it 0 days. Instead of pushing through, though, I just quit. Maybe I should try again, understanding that NOT complaining takes practice!?
I would suggest that instead of “no complaining” maybe aim for “less complaining”. If I tried to get rid of ALL complaining I’m not sure I would make it through the first morning! I realized about a month or so ago that I sometimes complain just to complain, or I complain about the same thing over and over and over again. No one wants to hear it - I even bore myself with it! - so I’m just aiming to make sure that the complaining less but also to make sure that the complaint is warranted.
Maybe it's not about pushing through but redirecting the complaining? Either framing it better, or more kindly, as a request or deciding consciously to let it go. I want to complain less this year too and have been thinking a lot about it. Great newsletter, thank you!
This has been living rent-free in my head ever since I read it a few weeks ago and I love it. Helps me keep perspective when my fiance leaves his clothes on the floor for the millionth time =)
You have no idea how much i needed to read this right NOW! I think i could be a nag, potentially. I am picky. Sometimes very picky. I’m no neat freak but areas of the bathroom and kitchen are my peeve. My husband? Not so much. He isn’t horrible but assumes much. I realize after 15 yrs , i sound like an old hag correcting him and reminding him and frankly, I’m getting on my own nerves!! I don’t like myself for it because i realize how this man loves me and takes care of me in so many other ways! And i think he likely has quirks about me that he hasn’t allowed to make him miserable because he still keeps coming home. Its not like i didn’t already know but reading this right now, at this very moment made me cry. Imma let it go just keep doing things without criticizing the way he does or the way he doesn’t.
I was irritated at my spouse when we first got married because of the way he folded the laundry. My therapist told me “it’s getting done, isn’t it?” And that changed my perspective immediately because he also did all the big things right including rubbing my head at night while I fell asleep on the couch. He did the vacuuming and dusting (which I HATE). Did he do it to my standard—no—but it got done!
Been married 45 years. You learn to let the little stuff go & discuss the big stuff. I’m so happy after many years of doing all the family laundry that my husband now takes care of his own. What a nice break! I appreciate all of things he does do around the house. Things I don’t want to deal with. Compromise and agree works for us,
I love this! I can 100% relate as my husband has ADD and forgets things a lot and it used to aggravate me to no end in the beginning. Over 19 years of marriage I’ve learned the difference between the big and the small things and he always shows up for the big stuff. Thank you for this beautiful reminder ❤️
Husband also has ADHD, and I remind myself of this all the time, as I should be 😂❤️
Thank you for sharing! This is great advice! Definitely needed this!
Happy to share!
I love this so much! Married 26 years and I have only in the past 10 or so begun to recognize this. Not to mention, it's pretty myopic to assume that WE don't also have quirks or habits that our spouse must choose to overlook. Sometimes we get so caught up in what irritates US, that we forget that we might also be annoying in some ways.
YES! I ask my husband all the time, “what are some small things I do that bother you,” and he says, “nothing.” And he’s not lying. So he has embraced this to the max degree, and I am trying to do the same. 😂
As a widow of a really good guy, I love this advice. Hopefully I wasn't sweating the small stuff too much while he was alive, I know he made my life and our kids' lives so much better too.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m certain you appreciated him beautifully ❤️
Kicking off the year strong. I love this!!
Thank you! (Or, thank my mom.) :) XO
Thank you for the great reminder about focusing on what really matters in any relationship!
An fyi about Ozlo: I used them for a single night on 3/10 volume and woke up with tinnitus. Thought it'd go away, like after going to a concert, but it hasn't. Acupuncture hasn't helped. ENT says it might go away, but it's been 3 months. I'm glad others have found them to be a great sleep aid, but it's not for everyone. 😕
OH NO! I'm so sorry to hear that. Their max volume is well below OSHA recommendations, but everyone's ears are different. I hope it resolves XO
Solid! After 32 yrs of marriage sometimes the small stuff becomes big. Thank you for the reminder not to sweat the small stuff but be grateful for everything else. This may be your best yet! XO
So happy to share! XO