Dear MU, Could you offer a kind boundary for when someone you’ve previously asked for and accepted advice from now continuously offers unsolicited advice, even when you don’t ask and don’t want it? –Just Listen
Having been on the receiving and bestowing end of unsolicited advice, I understand exactly how tricky this is. If you as the advice-giver have experience or expertise that could prevent someone you care about from pain, hardship, or suffering, why wouldn’t you want to shove it at them? But sometimes, as the advice-receiver, we don’t want you to fix it or insert your own opinions—we want you to listen, support, and allow us the space and grace to figure it out for ourselves, even if we end up doing it the hard way.
A pre-Green conversation
If you have the opportunity, initiate a gentle Green boundary before a scenario arises in which you just want to share and they are trying to insert their advice. Try:
"In the past I've asked you for advice, and you've given me some great tips. But I've noticed lately that every time I want to talk about something, you jump straight into ‘fix it’ mode. So I’m going to start telling you up front when I just want you to listen or empathize, and I'll ask you to not offer advice unless I ask—as hard as that may be. Cool?"
If they push back, saying, “I’m just trying to help,” you can reply, “I know, and I appreciate it. Sometimes, the most helpful thing for me is to have someone there to listen, then let me figure it out for myself. But you know I’ll ask if I do want help.”
(If they say, “It’s impossible for me to listen to you complain and not do anything about it,” you’re gonna want to read to the end.)
“Sometimes, the most helpful thing for me is to have someone there to listen, then let me figure it out for myself. But you know I’ll ask if I do want help.”
Your G/Y/R scripts
You may need scripts for in-the-moment, when you’re talking about the challenge you’re facing with, say, a bossy co-worker, and they immediately shift into, “You should do this” mode.
Green: "Oh wait—I’m not looking for advice yet. I need some space to figure it out for myself, but talking about it really helps, so can I keep telling you about it?"
Yellow: "I know you're trying to help, but advice right now does not feel helpful. I need someone to listen, because saying it out loud helps me put it into perspective. Okay?”
Red: "I think we should talk about something else, then, because you keep inserting your opinion and that isn't what I need right now." (Change the subject, excuse yourself off the phone, or leave the conversation entirely.)
Choose wisely
As an Enneagram 8, I struggle with wanting to jump right in and fix it. The other night, after telling me how much he needed a good sweat session, my husband sent me a text saying, “I don’t think I can go to class tonight, I can’t find either pair of jiu jitsu pants.” I was driving and thought, “What the hell am I supposed to do about his missing pants from the car?” I expressed the same sentiment to him when I got home (I KNOW), and he very patiently said, “I didn’t expect you to fix it, but you could have said ‘that sucks.’”
If you know there are people who really struggle (or refuse) to just listen or empathize, stop telling them about your problems.
Some people aren’t naturals when it comes to active listening or empathy, and may even approach conversations from the mindset of “either do something about it or stop complaining.” This is something I’ve been actively working on for years, and though I don’t always get it right (sorry, husband), most of the time I remember to empathize and acknowledge the situation first, then ask if I can help. (Most people in my life also know to open conversations with me by saying, “I just need you to listen and tell me it sucks,” in which case I rise to the occasion beautifully.)
You can also start sharing your needs more clearly up front by telling people how they can best support you: “I need to vent about mom real quick—I don’t you to get involved, I just need someone who gets it to listen, do you have 10 minutes?” or “I could really use your advice, can I send you a short email?” or “I need you to help me make sense of this work issue I’m having, is now a good time?”
However, you may also have to categorize your friends into “good listeners” and “advice-givers.” If you know there are people who really struggle (or refuse) to just listen or empathize, stop telling them about your problems. Find someone else in your circle to share those things with, and set a boundary around the topics into which you’re willing to invite the advice-pushers.
MU
Melissa Urban has been helping people set and hold boundaries since 2009 (the earliest days of Whole30), and is absolutely not a therapist. If you have a question for WWMUD, email hello@melissau.com. (Open to Subscribers only. Founding Member questions take priority, so please identify yourself as such in your email!)
My mom is in the Do Something About It or Stop Talking to Me About It camp. I learned years ago to stop looking to her for listening/validation. Since she’s an English teacher, as a teen, I would (mistakenly) ask her to read my papers. Eventually, after about a billion hurt feelings, we got into a rhythm of “Do you want feedback or do you just want me to tell you it’s good?”
On the flip side, she very much wants to be heard and validated and given permission. (Have I gone to therapy, you ask? Why yes, yes, I have. Continuous boundary work? YES, yes indeed.)
My struggle is definitely asking for what I need up front, because I fear not getting what I need. My challenge has always been defining my needs.
Honestly, I don’t have a lot of IRL friends, which is okay. I’m an introvert, a deep water Scorpio (small talk? What’s that??), and I definitely give more than I take. I might need to move to SLC... 😘😘😂
Over the years in my career I became very good at listening and letting people vent without trying to fix. That can be a double edged sword because some days/weeks I get too many people venting and it affects me. I need to work to set boundaries to give myself a break when it becomes too much. I also definitely need to put into practice at the beginning to say when I just need to vent vs wanting ideas on how to fix 😊