My mom is in the Do Something About It or Stop Talking to Me About It camp. I learned years ago to stop looking to her for listening/validation. Since she’s an English teacher, as a teen, I would (mistakenly) ask her to read my papers. Eventually, after about a billion hurt feelings, we got into a rhythm of “Do you want feedback or do you just want me to tell you it’s good?”
On the flip side, she very much wants to be heard and validated and given permission. (Have I gone to therapy, you ask? Why yes, yes, I have. Continuous boundary work? YES, yes indeed.)
My struggle is definitely asking for what I need up front, because I fear not getting what I need. My challenge has always been defining my needs.
Honestly, I don’t have a lot of IRL friends, which is okay. I’m an introvert, a deep water Scorpio (small talk? What’s that??), and I definitely give more than I take. I might need to move to SLC... 😘😘😂
Over the years in my career I became very good at listening and letting people vent without trying to fix. That can be a double edged sword because some days/weeks I get too many people venting and it affects me. I need to work to set boundaries to give myself a break when it becomes too much. I also definitely need to put into practice at the beginning to say when I just need to vent vs wanting ideas on how to fix 😊
I’ve started asking to see if they are looking for advice or if they just want me to listen. I’ve been on both sides of this conversation and I find it’s the easiest way to keep everyone happy. I know when I’m upset, it’s hard to tell people what I need. Yay therapy! Happy Friday!
Almost everyone I know is a “this is what you need to do” kind of person. So to vent, it write. And then I don’t complain out loud. It’s lonely sometimes, but it helps me to work it out on my own. Oh, also I spend a ton of money on a therapist every other week 😁
I am thankful I just read these comments - a whole new perspective! I have a friend who I have been lamenting about lately because she complains about the same things all the time and I keep giving her advice and she just keeps talking about her same problems. I guess maybe shutting up and listening would be helpful Carrie! 🙄 I never for one second thought I was an advice giver but here I am here learning to be a better listener.
As a neurodivergent person (ADHD), it’s really hard for me to empathize without adding my own experience. I try not to offer a lot of unsolicited advice, but I do tend to try to make the person feel better by telling them about a similar scenario I’ve had in life. This post was a really good reminder that sometimes I just need to say “that sucks” and leave it (show sympathy) rather than trying to make them feel better via my own stories (show empathy) or advice.
My youngest son has been my greatest teacher in this area. Often I would jump in to do something about a challenge and he would get furious. I overcorrected after that and just let him vent and he would get equally furious. That entire interaction has morphed into “Do you want help or do you just need to be heard?”. He will tell me what he wants and we both feel a lot better about it. It’s a constant practice for me to not jump in to help or save someone, I don’t always get it right but I’m aware of the tendency.
“Some people aren’t naturals when it comes to active listening or empathy, and may even approach conversations from the mindset of ‘either do something about it or stop complaining.’” DING DING DING! This is 100,000% percent me, and I’d imagine my tendency to move straight into “fix it” mode can be quite exhausting for the people in my life. This is a great post for someone like me to read because maybe now I can start to develop awareness around my “fix it or quit complaining” habits, and actually ask, “Would you like my advise or is it more helpful if I just listen?” Thanks for this!! 🙌🏻
I just shared this post with my office mate (whom I have many talk/listen sessions with), and asked her—if she’s comfortable—to help make me aware when go down the “fix it” rabbit hole. She is very up to the task! Great idea.
I love every word of this, Melissa! I just sat with my husband and read this to him (he’s just like you, btw!) It took several years (like 10) for us to get to the place where I realized I needed to say, “I just need you to listen...”. And he has such a “fix it” mindset he readily acknowledges how hard it is for him to just listen sometimes. So many important tools in this one! Good stuff!! ❤️ 🙌🏻 ❤️
Definitely feel convicted with this one. I have noticed this about myself and am doing better. I want to help everyone solve everything but I’ve realized that’s not my job unless they want help. I have work to do but am happy that I’ve realized this about myself and I’m working on it. Thanks for a great article today! Happy Friday everyone! 💛
I think a lot of us are conditioned to "fix it." I can't remember anyone teaching me to actively listen and empathize. It's why social-emotional learning is so important in schools!
My mom is in the Do Something About It or Stop Talking to Me About It camp. I learned years ago to stop looking to her for listening/validation. Since she’s an English teacher, as a teen, I would (mistakenly) ask her to read my papers. Eventually, after about a billion hurt feelings, we got into a rhythm of “Do you want feedback or do you just want me to tell you it’s good?”
On the flip side, she very much wants to be heard and validated and given permission. (Have I gone to therapy, you ask? Why yes, yes, I have. Continuous boundary work? YES, yes indeed.)
My struggle is definitely asking for what I need up front, because I fear not getting what I need. My challenge has always been defining my needs.
Honestly, I don’t have a lot of IRL friends, which is okay. I’m an introvert, a deep water Scorpio (small talk? What’s that??), and I definitely give more than I take. I might need to move to SLC... 😘😘😂
I also struggle with small talk! I dive deep quick 😂👏😂👏
DITTO!!
Over the years in my career I became very good at listening and letting people vent without trying to fix. That can be a double edged sword because some days/weeks I get too many people venting and it affects me. I need to work to set boundaries to give myself a break when it becomes too much. I also definitely need to put into practice at the beginning to say when I just need to vent vs wanting ideas on how to fix 😊
I’ve started asking to see if they are looking for advice or if they just want me to listen. I’ve been on both sides of this conversation and I find it’s the easiest way to keep everyone happy. I know when I’m upset, it’s hard to tell people what I need. Yay therapy! Happy Friday!
Almost everyone I know is a “this is what you need to do” kind of person. So to vent, it write. And then I don’t complain out loud. It’s lonely sometimes, but it helps me to work it out on my own. Oh, also I spend a ton of money on a therapist every other week 😁
I have my Weekly Sanity Appointment every Wednesday at noon. Costly? Yes. Worth it? A million percent.
Oh yeah! It’s totally worth the money!!
I am thankful I just read these comments - a whole new perspective! I have a friend who I have been lamenting about lately because she complains about the same things all the time and I keep giving her advice and she just keeps talking about her same problems. I guess maybe shutting up and listening would be helpful Carrie! 🙄 I never for one second thought I was an advice giver but here I am here learning to be a better listener.
As a neurodivergent person (ADHD), it’s really hard for me to empathize without adding my own experience. I try not to offer a lot of unsolicited advice, but I do tend to try to make the person feel better by telling them about a similar scenario I’ve had in life. This post was a really good reminder that sometimes I just need to say “that sucks” and leave it (show sympathy) rather than trying to make them feel better via my own stories (show empathy) or advice.
My youngest son has been my greatest teacher in this area. Often I would jump in to do something about a challenge and he would get furious. I overcorrected after that and just let him vent and he would get equally furious. That entire interaction has morphed into “Do you want help or do you just need to be heard?”. He will tell me what he wants and we both feel a lot better about it. It’s a constant practice for me to not jump in to help or save someone, I don’t always get it right but I’m aware of the tendency.
“Some people aren’t naturals when it comes to active listening or empathy, and may even approach conversations from the mindset of ‘either do something about it or stop complaining.’” DING DING DING! This is 100,000% percent me, and I’d imagine my tendency to move straight into “fix it” mode can be quite exhausting for the people in my life. This is a great post for someone like me to read because maybe now I can start to develop awareness around my “fix it or quit complaining” habits, and actually ask, “Would you like my advise or is it more helpful if I just listen?” Thanks for this!! 🙌🏻
I just shared this post with my office mate (whom I have many talk/listen sessions with), and asked her—if she’s comfortable—to help make me aware when go down the “fix it” rabbit hole. She is very up to the task! Great idea.
I love every word of this, Melissa! I just sat with my husband and read this to him (he’s just like you, btw!) It took several years (like 10) for us to get to the place where I realized I needed to say, “I just need you to listen...”. And he has such a “fix it” mindset he readily acknowledges how hard it is for him to just listen sometimes. So many important tools in this one! Good stuff!! ❤️ 🙌🏻 ❤️
I have yet to read your Boundaries book despite it staring at me on my kindle (I even pre ordered it!) so I will get on that! Ha! Thanks again!
Definitely feel convicted with this one. I have noticed this about myself and am doing better. I want to help everyone solve everything but I’ve realized that’s not my job unless they want help. I have work to do but am happy that I’ve realized this about myself and I’m working on it. Thanks for a great article today! Happy Friday everyone! 💛
I think a lot of us are conditioned to "fix it." I can't remember anyone teaching me to actively listen and empathize. It's why social-emotional learning is so important in schools!