We deleted this popular kid's gaming app

I thought the parental controls I employed were enough. They were not.

(TW: Suicide) The other day, I came across Jenn Buta on TikTok. She was talking about her son, Jordan DeMay, and the heartbreaking context in which this popular, sweet, smart kid tragically took his own life. Her video directed me to an ESPN article: The predatory web of sextortion increasingly ensnares young athletes.

As the parent of a 12-year-old, this was terrifying in the most literal sense of the word. I’m talking blood running cold, pit in my stomach stomach, nervous system on high alert. I’d heard of this before: A criminal posing as a young person persuades another young person (usually over DMs) to send them nude or partially nude photos—then extorts them for money under the threat of leaking those photos publicly.

Any adult would be immediately panicked if someone threatened to show your boss, your spouse, and your church group salacious photos of you. Except these are kids. Teenagers, being extorted by adults who threaten in the strongest language possible to ruin their lives—their relationships, their status at school, their chances at college, their sports participation.

When faced with this extreme and immediate pressure, Jordan DeMay took his own life. He didn’t know what else to do. He was embarrassed and ashamed. He didn’t have the money they were demanding, and he believed the leak of this photo would, in fact, ruin the rest of his life.

The entire storyline—from the first Instagram DM “Dani” sent to DeMay to his death by suicide—took less than six hours.

Roblox, social media, and the internet

My son (now 12 years old) has been on Roblox for years. It’s where he first discovered Minecraft, the building game that looks like you’re using a computer from the 90s.

What is Roblox? Per internetmatters.org, Roblox is an online video game platform where users create their own games or experiences for the public. Children worldwide can then play these games, often online together, through a smartphone, video games console, tablet, or personal computer. Think of Roblox as the mall (environment) that hosts million of different user-created stores (games).

When I set up my Roblox account (as the parent, on behalf of a child), I employed what I thought were bomb-proof parental controls. He can only download games with a rating of age 4+ (now called “Minimal” in terms of violence or fear). He can’t chat with anyone, on any game, via voice or text. Anyone he wants to “friend” in a game environment needs parental approval, and I made sure he knows this person well in real life.

As such, he has spent lots of unsupervised time on Roblox throughout the years. (Meaning, I wasn’t looking over his shoulder as he played.) His collection of games became expansive, but when I’d look through them, I’d see nothing of concern. There were driving games, soccer games, and games that let him groom a pet or run a pizza restaurant. Because Roblox knows he is under 13 (per the birth date I entered when I signed him up), the environment also employs tight controls around what he could and could not do in any game he may download.

I trusted my controls, and theirs. But I failed to employ the most important principle, especially when it comes to your kid’s safety: Trust, but verify.

The dangers of Roblox

Two months ago, I began to hear about the dangers of Roblox for kids—and the massive failings of parental controls in the Roblox environment. (For the full report—and it’s a doozy—click here.) My son’s dad and I traded articles and started talking about it.

When it comes to online platforms, people will find a way around whatever blocks you try to put up, especially if they are there for nefarious purposes. In the Roblox environment, children can still chat with strangers not on their friends list, through the individual games they download. There are more than 6 million experiences (games) within the platform, and many have inaccurate descriptions or ratings—so things that claim to be kid-friendly decidedly are not. Not every game adheres to or even offers parental controls. More disturbingly, there are no age verification methods, so Roblox’s age-based safety features only work if both users tell the truth about their age.

As such, within the Roblox environment, kids were being exposed to sexual content, violent content, and grooming content by adults. One investigation found it laughably easy for a 42-year-old man to converse with a 5-year-old. It’s also easy to work around Roblox content moderation and encourage children to move the chat to a different environment (like Snapchat or Discord), where parental controls may be much looser.

His dad and I sat down for several long conversations around his internet access. Each household handles that differently. His dad was always far more limited with screen time, and far more conservative with what he had access to. I have historically been more lax, albeit with plenty of (what I thought were) tight controls around time, content, and permissions. The more I read, however, the more I realized my “controls” were nowhere near as secure as I thought.

After those conversations, I blocked his access to Roblox entirely. I also set up much tighter screen time limits on his iPad, such that he can’t download anything new without my passcode, and can’t access certain apps or websites (like YouTube, TikTok, Snapchat, Instagram, or Discord) at all.

The danger is real

Then, I read the ESPN article about Jordan DeMay, and the reality of these dangers punched me in the face. My kid’s online safety is a literal matter of life and death. And my son is nowhere near prepared for these kinds of dangers.

I’ve talked to him extensively about not giving away any personal information online. I got specific—don’t ever tell anyone your real name or where you live, even generally. Don’t talk about your friends or parents by name. Don’t talk about the sports you play with any specificity. Don’t share where you hang out, or where you go to school.

I’ve also warned him countless times that there are adults with bad intentions who pretend to be kids online. This one still, I don’t think, he believes. He is too trusting that the person claiming to be the 12-year-old girl is, in fact, a 12-year-old girl. He has no experience or line of defense against an adult dead-set on manipulating him. And while he’s not sexually active, he does send his friends selfies. I know the “send me a picture with your shirt off” years are not far off.

Right now, he has a “light” phone with no internet connection, and zero access to social media at home. Eventually, though, he’ll have an iPhone, and will probably want to participate in social media. Even if his accounts are private, this opens him up to countless strangers on the internet, not all of whom will be who they say they are.

If he were a few years older, I’d have him read the ESPN article, start to finish. (We don’t think he’s ready for this depth of conversation.) For now, we’ll keep talking about the permanence of the internet, the power of AI, and the steps he should take if he is approached by any stranger on the internet. I can also talk about people who use embarrassing photos to try to scam people, as a means of encouraging him never to send a photo or message he wouldn’t be okay with everyone at school seeing.

We can talk about internet safety all day long, but I also have to keep him safe by limiting his access to potential dangers. At 12, he is not at all savvy enough to keep himself safe. This is why he no longer has access to Roblox, or any other app that could expose him to harmful people or experiences.

Can we protect him forever? Of course not. At some point, we will have to trust that the lessons we’ve imparted will actually stick. But we will also verify, by monitoring his internet access, creating healthy boundaries around technology, and continuing to talk about safety, mental health, and sex, both online and IRL.

There is no manual for this. Even if someone wrote one, by the time it was published, technology would have dramatically evolved. We can only do the best we can. There is no one “right” answer. Every parent will make their own best decisions for their child. These are the decisions we are making for ours, without judgment for others.

What concerns you most about internet safety and kids? What are you doing as parents? Have you heard about the dangers of Roblox or the sextortion of teens? Feel free to share in comments; we’ll keep this space safe for all perspectives (as always).

XO, MU