This makes me feel ill. I have 11 and 8yo grandsons and it absolutely horrifies me to know that they could be preyed upon and then take that shame to awful places. This is me going off to send their mom all this in an email and hope she really reads it and doesn't think I'm just being a headcase.
One thing I think is important to keep in mind beyond prevention is making sure your child knows in their very soul that you are a safe place if they do make a mistake. If they do send a pic, have a conversation, etc that then gets used against them - they can always always come to you for help without getting into trouble. There may be consequences after the fact, but right then in that moment of fear and panic, you'll help them fix it.
YES. After I wrote this, we had a frank conversation about sextortion. I explained exactly why, if something like that were to happen, he should come to me. He initially was like, "No way," but came around after I explained it wasn't his fault, and as an adult, I am far more equipped and resourced to handle something like this. I also explained these people are looking for easy marks, which is why they target children, and when faced with an adult who will stand for none of their bullshit, they'll quickly move on. He believed me by the end, and I'll continue to reinforce that message.
I appreciate making a safe space for children to come to their parents/guardians for help when they do make a decision that was not in their best interest and against parental direction. I'm going to play devils advocate here. When I was a child if a parent said that I could come to them with a problem under the guise that I wouldn't get into trouble, then after the fact I got in "trouble" whatever that may be. I would feel betrayed by my parents about being able to come to them with "anything without getting into trouble." I would feel like I got stabbed in the back from my parent. Because what was told was not what happened. I would never go to them again. I just feel like we as adults should be honest with our kids. Especially this day and age. We want them to be honest with us, right? I feel kids are much smarter than we give them credit for and should be open and honest with them. In my opinion, sharing with the child what, why, how etc about mitigating the damage caused by sending a photo to someone or whatever, should be shared with them while trying to correct the "thing" they came to you for. We don't want to scare our kids out of coming to us with their problems for fear of punishment from us. Just my thoughts. We are in a day and age that this is so much more prevalent than we understand. Kids know "all the things" in the computer space.
Thank you for writing this. More parents need to be aware of internet safety regarding their children and the potential for them to get into situations they have no idea how to handle.
Not to mention the current growing cult on the game Forsaken. Kids are being conditioned and confused by these people to think everyone has pain in life, so endure pain to be reincarnated. Kids are hurting themselves and carving the symbols ON THEIR OWN BODY to “be able to reincarnate into a better life”
Thanks for this! Is there any sort of cheat sheet or list of do’s and dont’s for kids in terms of technology and age specific guidelines? My 12 year old hasn’t gotten into Roblox (yet), although he games with friends on Fortnite. He has an iPad for YouTube videos which I believe his dad has established some parental controls. We did have a timer, but honestly as an only child who doesn’t always have someone to entertain him, there are times where mom and dad need a break and he might need more iPad time so we recently removed timer…He has a smart phone with internet and honestly I wish he didn’t have internet yet. And he has NFL and game apps on his phone and some days he’s glued to his phone…
I had to figure it out, truthfully. Screen time on an iPad or iPhone is probably your best tool. Using these settings, you can (a) set a separate password so the settings can't be changed, even if your kid knows your iPhone passcode, (b) block specific apps and websites entirely, and not allow new downloads of apps without your password, (c) set daily time limits on other apps, and (d) create "downtime" where the iPad isn't functional during certain times of day. It's not 100% foolproof--kids will always try to find ways around it--but it's still a powerful tool.
YouTube's parental control settings are also better than Roblox, in that you can set age limits for content and blacklist certain videos entirely. However, my son was still able to watch "prank" videos (meant for kids his age) where kids were destroying property and hurting each other as a means of generating a laugh--and that's not exactly a message I wanted my kid to receive either.
Chiming in here to say OurPact is the best monitoring tool we’ve found so far. Complete pain in the ass to administer time and take away/grant access to apps, but it’s with every headache. You can essentially
Turn their phones into dumb phones at the press of a button. It doesn’t have the ability to see which of the allowed apps are being used, or insight into their activity within the apps you allow, but we use apple’s
Screen time to monitor where time is spent and which apps are being used. The spontaneous check ins by knowing his password on his phone.
This is terrifying! I had deleted my kids account for 2 years and recently he begged me to let him back on bc all his school friends were on it and he was being left out. I reluctantly let him have it again a few days ago…and now it’s gotta go for good this time! I can’t take it! I trust my kid..I don’t trust these platforms!
The more I dig, the scarier it is. I'm digging into his iPad like an FBI agent right now, and making sure I know every single thing he's got and every single thing he's doing.
I just edited a report on this exact topic, compiling information from a number of experts in technology-enabled child exploitation. They would say you're doing the exact right thing in talking to your son about the dangers BUT that it's not helpful to focus on any single platform. This kind of thing can happen on any online platform—they said they've seen it on Pinterest.
For sure--which is why we're enacting these controls/blocks across any online platform which exposes him to strangers. (Anywhere you can send DMs, for example, or chat with others, like Discord.) And I'm monitoring his Safari history, so if he finds a new site I'm unaware of, I'll be able to address it then and there.
My daughter has Roblox. I have been wanting to delete it, but my husband feels that we need to be able to trust her, and show her we trust her. She is also 12. My argument is that I feel as though I don’t need a video game to allow my kid to show me I can trust her. I’ve also talked to her extensively about online dangers and everything surrounding that. She uses a nickname on Roblox; never her real name. How can I convince my husband that we need to get rid of Roblox and what can I say to my daughter to assure her that it’s not her we don’t trust, it’s everyone else?
Send him this, and the articles linked. It's not about trust. You can trust your child, but mistrust adults who get on these platforms for the sole purpose of manipulating girls her age. She is no match for an adult dead-set on causing harm, no matter how much you talk to her about it, and your husband (I hope) can see that.
This makes me feel ill. I have 11 and 8yo grandsons and it absolutely horrifies me to know that they could be preyed upon and then take that shame to awful places. This is me going off to send their mom all this in an email and hope she really reads it and doesn't think I'm just being a headcase.
It made me sick as well. And I'm so encouraged by all of the parents sharing it with others.
One thing I think is important to keep in mind beyond prevention is making sure your child knows in their very soul that you are a safe place if they do make a mistake. If they do send a pic, have a conversation, etc that then gets used against them - they can always always come to you for help without getting into trouble. There may be consequences after the fact, but right then in that moment of fear and panic, you'll help them fix it.
YES. After I wrote this, we had a frank conversation about sextortion. I explained exactly why, if something like that were to happen, he should come to me. He initially was like, "No way," but came around after I explained it wasn't his fault, and as an adult, I am far more equipped and resourced to handle something like this. I also explained these people are looking for easy marks, which is why they target children, and when faced with an adult who will stand for none of their bullshit, they'll quickly move on. He believed me by the end, and I'll continue to reinforce that message.
I appreciate making a safe space for children to come to their parents/guardians for help when they do make a decision that was not in their best interest and against parental direction. I'm going to play devils advocate here. When I was a child if a parent said that I could come to them with a problem under the guise that I wouldn't get into trouble, then after the fact I got in "trouble" whatever that may be. I would feel betrayed by my parents about being able to come to them with "anything without getting into trouble." I would feel like I got stabbed in the back from my parent. Because what was told was not what happened. I would never go to them again. I just feel like we as adults should be honest with our kids. Especially this day and age. We want them to be honest with us, right? I feel kids are much smarter than we give them credit for and should be open and honest with them. In my opinion, sharing with the child what, why, how etc about mitigating the damage caused by sending a photo to someone or whatever, should be shared with them while trying to correct the "thing" they came to you for. We don't want to scare our kids out of coming to us with their problems for fear of punishment from us. Just my thoughts. We are in a day and age that this is so much more prevalent than we understand. Kids know "all the things" in the computer space.
All I can say is I’m glad to not have kids. This is so hard. It makes me sick to think about what can happen to kids these days.
Thank you for writing this. More parents need to be aware of internet safety regarding their children and the potential for them to get into situations they have no idea how to handle.
Not to mention the current growing cult on the game Forsaken. Kids are being conditioned and confused by these people to think everyone has pain in life, so endure pain to be reincarnated. Kids are hurting themselves and carving the symbols ON THEIR OWN BODY to “be able to reincarnate into a better life”
Wow! Thank you for this, as my son is 12 and this is helpful to guide conversations around internet culture in general!
Happy to share!
Thanks for this! Is there any sort of cheat sheet or list of do’s and dont’s for kids in terms of technology and age specific guidelines? My 12 year old hasn’t gotten into Roblox (yet), although he games with friends on Fortnite. He has an iPad for YouTube videos which I believe his dad has established some parental controls. We did have a timer, but honestly as an only child who doesn’t always have someone to entertain him, there are times where mom and dad need a break and he might need more iPad time so we recently removed timer…He has a smart phone with internet and honestly I wish he didn’t have internet yet. And he has NFL and game apps on his phone and some days he’s glued to his phone…
I had to figure it out, truthfully. Screen time on an iPad or iPhone is probably your best tool. Using these settings, you can (a) set a separate password so the settings can't be changed, even if your kid knows your iPhone passcode, (b) block specific apps and websites entirely, and not allow new downloads of apps without your password, (c) set daily time limits on other apps, and (d) create "downtime" where the iPad isn't functional during certain times of day. It's not 100% foolproof--kids will always try to find ways around it--but it's still a powerful tool.
YouTube's parental control settings are also better than Roblox, in that you can set age limits for content and blacklist certain videos entirely. However, my son was still able to watch "prank" videos (meant for kids his age) where kids were destroying property and hurting each other as a means of generating a laugh--and that's not exactly a message I wanted my kid to receive either.
Chiming in here to say OurPact is the best monitoring tool we’ve found so far. Complete pain in the ass to administer time and take away/grant access to apps, but it’s with every headache. You can essentially
Turn their phones into dumb phones at the press of a button. It doesn’t have the ability to see which of the allowed apps are being used, or insight into their activity within the apps you allow, but we use apple’s
Screen time to monitor where time is spent and which apps are being used. The spontaneous check ins by knowing his password on his phone.
Thank you! When he eventually gets an iPhone we’ll be creating safeguards for sure XO
This might be a helpful starting place to learn about it: https://www.missingkids.org/theissues/sextortion
This is terrifying! I had deleted my kids account for 2 years and recently he begged me to let him back on bc all his school friends were on it and he was being left out. I reluctantly let him have it again a few days ago…and now it’s gotta go for good this time! I can’t take it! I trust my kid..I don’t trust these platforms!
https://open.substack.com/pub/justicereturn/p/the-dark-side-of-substack-exposing?r=6crgy3&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I don't even have children and this has me shook! I'm sending this to everyone I know
Thank you so much for writing about this.
The more I dig, the scarier it is. I'm digging into his iPad like an FBI agent right now, and making sure I know every single thing he's got and every single thing he's doing.
I just edited a report on this exact topic, compiling information from a number of experts in technology-enabled child exploitation. They would say you're doing the exact right thing in talking to your son about the dangers BUT that it's not helpful to focus on any single platform. This kind of thing can happen on any online platform—they said they've seen it on Pinterest.
For sure--which is why we're enacting these controls/blocks across any online platform which exposes him to strangers. (Anywhere you can send DMs, for example, or chat with others, like Discord.) And I'm monitoring his Safari history, so if he finds a new site I'm unaware of, I'll be able to address it then and there.
My daughter has Roblox. I have been wanting to delete it, but my husband feels that we need to be able to trust her, and show her we trust her. She is also 12. My argument is that I feel as though I don’t need a video game to allow my kid to show me I can trust her. I’ve also talked to her extensively about online dangers and everything surrounding that. She uses a nickname on Roblox; never her real name. How can I convince my husband that we need to get rid of Roblox and what can I say to my daughter to assure her that it’s not her we don’t trust, it’s everyone else?
Send him this, and the articles linked. It's not about trust. You can trust your child, but mistrust adults who get on these platforms for the sole purpose of manipulating girls her age. She is no match for an adult dead-set on causing harm, no matter how much you talk to her about it, and your husband (I hope) can see that.
There will be more reports and a big expose coming out on Roblox in the near future. In fact, Chris Hansen of To Catch a Predator came out of retirement specifically to report on Roblox. Show your husband this too: https://www.thewrap.com/chris-hansen-roblox-sex-predator-documentary-response-schlep/
You can trust your kid, and also it's your job not to send them into an unsafe environment.
Thank you