WWMUD: Help me stop over-committing to plans

I run myself ragged all year long and have no time for me. Are there boundaries for this?

Sep 04, 2023

This edition is sponsored by Whole30 Approved Humm Kombucha, which is always a “hell yes.” Use the code HUMM25 to save 25% on your next purchase.

Dear MU,

Please help me stop over-committing to plans with family and friends. I’ve said “yes” to every event, request, and gathering over the last few months… and booked up my whole summer. Now I’m trying to get my family back into a steady fall routine, but I’m already seeing the same pattern of requests and expectations. If I can’t figure out how to carve out some down time now, I may not survive the holidays. (How are we thinking about the holidays already?)

—In need of JOMO, Sacramento CA

Dear In Need of JOMO (the Joy of Missing Out),

My kid’s fall Flag Football league starts next Saturday, we have two birthday party invitations sitting in my in-box, my parents are visiting in late October, and we’re already talking about what we want to do for Christmas. I HEAR YOU. It can seem like our seasons are booked before they even begin, and we end up committing Future Us to plans that seem reasonable today, but feel overwhelming six weeks from now.

I understand the tension of wanting to do All the Things and then feeling super burned out, versus saying no and feeling jealousy, regret, or FOMO. Here are some self-boundary ideas to buy yourself some time and capacity to find this balance more organically. (And yes, I’m sharing this well before the holiday season ramps up, so this year can be different.)

Step 1: The Hell Yes

Is it a HELL YES? Then I give you permission to say yes right then and there. But listen—I’m not talking “that could be fun” or “I might be down for that.” It needs to be a “Holy crap, that’s my favorite band of all time/the destination I’ve been dying to visit/the friend I’ve been missing the most/a once-in-a-blue-moon gathering” kind of hell yes. My bar (and yours) here should be SO HIGH.

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Step 2: The “I’ll get back to you”

If it’s not a hell yes, this is the most important Self-Boundary you can set with yourself: “Thanks for the invitation, I’ll get back to you.”

You don’t have to say yes right away! It’s a lot easier (and kinder) to say “I’ll let you know” than to say yes and cancel later. It’s rare that someone needs a response immediately, but if they do and it’s not a “hell yes,” then by default, this is a no. (Try, “Ah, okay. If I’d have to firmly commit right now, then it’s a no.”)

Buy yourself a minute (or a day, or a week) to confer with Future You and anyone else affected by your decision, and ask yourself the following:

What else is going on that weekend, (or if it’s too far out, what else had you hoped to do that month)?
What does that week or month at work look like—do you have big projects or deadlines coming up?
What other plans are already set in stone, like a kid’s sports commitment or business travel?
What could you be giving up if you did say yes? (A day of sleeping in, puttering around the house, and Netflix may be worth a lot.)
What other fun/rewarding things could you do instead if you said no? (Maybe it’s a hike, brunch with your family, or finishing a home project you’re excited about.)

Another important tip is to answer based on your current capacity, energy, and availability. Our brains tend to assume that Future Us will have more time, more energy, more capacity than we do today. But this is only true if we protect Future Us today. If we don’t, Future You will look as exhausted, burned-out, and over-committed as Current You—so base your decision on that.

Don’t delay your response so long as to be rude, but buying yourself a few hours to imagine what Future You needs can go a long way towards making the “right” decision.

Step 3: The “Yes, and…”

If you do decide to say yes, you’re now going to ask yourself, “Are there other self-boundaries I can set to help me enjoy this event even more?” Maybe you go but don’t drink, setting yourself up for a night of restful sleep and feeling good the next morning. Maybe you go but set a hard stop, as my sister does: “I’d love to come, but my bedtime is 10 PM.” Maybe you go but drive yourself, so if the vibe gets wild, you can see yourself home without much fanfare.

Saying “yes” to the thing doesn’t mean you have to automatically say yes to anything and everything that attaches to that thing. Your in-laws can stay with you for three days, but you don’t have to include them in everything (“I’m taking the dog for a walk—no, I don’t need company, I’ve got an audiobook I’m dying to catch up on,”) or sign your kid up for flag football, but say “no” to bringing snacks three weeks in a row (“I can’t manage that again this week”).

Step 4: JOMO

My last step: Write Future You a note right this minute. Describe how you feel today (anxious, burned out, exhausted, over-committed) and thank yourself for saying no and protecting your time, energy, and capacity in the future. Pull it out when you find yourself scrolling through social media, wondering why you didn’t just suck it up and say yes to that thing you didn’t really want to do, but you’re feeling FOMO with now.

When you decide to say no to the visit, turn down the invitation, or decline the event, remind yourself that you did so thoughtfully. You knew that the benefits to your mental health, happiness, energy, and capacity far outweighed the potential fun factor—so give yourself a high-five, get back on that couch, and remind yourself that JOMO >>> FOMO in this season.