I’ve absolutely been in a similar situation, and the feelings do suck, but I’ve also been in a situation where my employer made the decision to lay off basically my entire department (30+ people) because they wanted to outsource our jobs to a firm in a foreign (read: cheaper) country. (It did not go well for them.) So I agree with you, Melissa, that while we can certainly take our employers and coworkers into consideration, we should never make (or not make) decisions in our best interest purely because of them.
Also, as I read this, I wondered for the first time: how many men struggle with thoughts and feelings like this when deciding whether or not to leave a job? My guess is very few. I wonder if this is another issue that women predominantly struggle with, like salary negotiations, etc.
This is the perfect example, as much as it sucked. Most employers would not hesitate to change their business if it better served the business. I think employees should approach their role in the same way.
I left my old job in December with 5 weeks notice. I didn’t take the few days of PTO I had (had to burn all of it to have a baby, gotta love those family values) so my coworker could take her Christmas vacation. Before I left they asked me to recommend who they should interview to be my replacement since I would be “such a loss” (I work in a very niche role) so I did and gave them ten names.
My replacement? Someone from a different department with no relevant experience who is now making $25k more than I did in the job I killed myself at for four years.
I regret not being even more honest in my exit interview.
Oooofta, does this one hit home. I just quit my job of 17 years for one that pays much better, with real benefits. And it’s HARD to get over the guilt: I AM sorta screwing over my former employer. He’s a lawyer, I was his only employee. On the other hand, maybe he shouldn’t have treated me like shit 🤷♀️ Also, it’s terrifying to leave the only job I’ve known in my adult life. It’s a lot to work through in therapy. I keep telling myself that this is like my divorce: it’s gonna suck for about 6 weeks and then, when’s I’m out the other side, it’s gonna be magical.
As someone who left her incredibly toxic job of 19 years in September 2023 (also my only adult job), I can tell you from the other side…it’s freaking amazing. I knew I was anxious and miserable, but I don’t think I really appreciated the daily toll of the fight/flight stress response I was enduring. It took me forever to leave because of inertia, not wanting to let people down, and because I was well compensated, which I traded for my happiness. So grateful to be on the other side — wishing you the same!
If your old boss treated you well and paid what you were worth and had good work-life balance, and honored your boundaries, you probably wouldn’t have left. That’s not on you.
I’m really glad you’re talking about it in therapy, and I am betting that it will take even less than six weeks for you to exit this suck. And I’m really excited for that for you!
I quit my job of 5 years in January and I could have written this question, but WOW my mental health has skyrocketed since I left!! It was hard to say goodbye to my friends at work, but the ones who were real friends are still my friends and we’re going to happy hour next week to catch up, because that’s what friends do. I haven’t talked to anyone else at the company and that’s okay, because they were just work friends. Realizing that the real ones would still be here cheering me on after I was gone was a big wake up call as to who actually values me as a person, and who valued me because I was a hard worker and good at my job.
My sister is the one who really made me get over the hurdle of putting in my 2 weeks’ notice. She told me that if I died tomorrow, the company would have a job listing up by next week to replace me. They aren’t loyal to a person, they are loyal to a position, and they don’t care who fills that position. It really resonated with me and now I’m taking 6 months off before going back to school for my MBA and it’s absolutely glorious!
I think a lot of us struggle with these thoughts. I am one of only two people who quote at my company and I’m the only person who quotes one specific product line. I was hired to do one job and then 6 months in, when someone else quit, I was handed their role as well so I’m literally doing the work of 2 people. If I leave, my coworker will literally be the only one left to do the work of three people. While I feel badly about that I can’t worry about it. What I’m more worried about is that I cannot find a different job that pays the same so I’m stuck here, crying in my cubicle every day as the stress leaks out of my tear ducts.
I know a lot of us struggle with these thoughts, because I received three of the exact same question in the span of a week, from three different women.
I definitely understand the worry of finding another job that pays enough. And also, you can certainly look for that job while you are doing your current role. And, perhaps, advocate for yourself with your current employer, asking for a raise or more time off or something to accommodate your increased workload. The worst they can do is say no, which they probably will, but at least you’ll establish a precedence when you do decide to leave. Wishing you luck!
I’ve absolutely been in a similar situation, and the feelings do suck, but I’ve also been in a situation where my employer made the decision to lay off basically my entire department (30+ people) because they wanted to outsource our jobs to a firm in a foreign (read: cheaper) country. (It did not go well for them.) So I agree with you, Melissa, that while we can certainly take our employers and coworkers into consideration, we should never make (or not make) decisions in our best interest purely because of them.
Also, as I read this, I wondered for the first time: how many men struggle with thoughts and feelings like this when deciding whether or not to leave a job? My guess is very few. I wonder if this is another issue that women predominantly struggle with, like salary negotiations, etc.
This is the perfect example, as much as it sucked. Most employers would not hesitate to change their business if it better served the business. I think employees should approach their role in the same way.
My ex husband is actually navigating this right now. He’s a really good leader, and he’s feeling very conflicted about leaving his team.
Thanks for sharing this perspective, Kris! I appreciate hearing that there are men out there who deal with these feelings, too.
I sent him Melissa’s post and he said it made him cry - the whole part about the story he’s telling himself about walking away.
Oh wow. ❤️ i’m so happy it was impactful. He’s obviously a wonderful man, to be so caring.
I left my old job in December with 5 weeks notice. I didn’t take the few days of PTO I had (had to burn all of it to have a baby, gotta love those family values) so my coworker could take her Christmas vacation. Before I left they asked me to recommend who they should interview to be my replacement since I would be “such a loss” (I work in a very niche role) so I did and gave them ten names.
My replacement? Someone from a different department with no relevant experience who is now making $25k more than I did in the job I killed myself at for four years.
I regret not being even more honest in my exit interview.
WOW. On one hand, that is so rude and really sucks. On the other hand, none of that is your problem anymore, and that is a pretty good reward. ❤️
Good luck to them! So far I’m happier in every single way at my new company :)
Oooofta, does this one hit home. I just quit my job of 17 years for one that pays much better, with real benefits. And it’s HARD to get over the guilt: I AM sorta screwing over my former employer. He’s a lawyer, I was his only employee. On the other hand, maybe he shouldn’t have treated me like shit 🤷♀️ Also, it’s terrifying to leave the only job I’ve known in my adult life. It’s a lot to work through in therapy. I keep telling myself that this is like my divorce: it’s gonna suck for about 6 weeks and then, when’s I’m out the other side, it’s gonna be magical.
Letter writer, I feel ya!
As someone who left her incredibly toxic job of 19 years in September 2023 (also my only adult job), I can tell you from the other side…it’s freaking amazing. I knew I was anxious and miserable, but I don’t think I really appreciated the daily toll of the fight/flight stress response I was enduring. It took me forever to leave because of inertia, not wanting to let people down, and because I was well compensated, which I traded for my happiness. So grateful to be on the other side — wishing you the same!
If your old boss treated you well and paid what you were worth and had good work-life balance, and honored your boundaries, you probably wouldn’t have left. That’s not on you.
I’m really glad you’re talking about it in therapy, and I am betting that it will take even less than six weeks for you to exit this suck. And I’m really excited for that for you!
I quit my job of 5 years in January and I could have written this question, but WOW my mental health has skyrocketed since I left!! It was hard to say goodbye to my friends at work, but the ones who were real friends are still my friends and we’re going to happy hour next week to catch up, because that’s what friends do. I haven’t talked to anyone else at the company and that’s okay, because they were just work friends. Realizing that the real ones would still be here cheering me on after I was gone was a big wake up call as to who actually values me as a person, and who valued me because I was a hard worker and good at my job.
My sister is the one who really made me get over the hurdle of putting in my 2 weeks’ notice. She told me that if I died tomorrow, the company would have a job listing up by next week to replace me. They aren’t loyal to a person, they are loyal to a position, and they don’t care who fills that position. It really resonated with me and now I’m taking 6 months off before going back to school for my MBA and it’s absolutely glorious!
Your sister had great advice! I’m so glad you were able to leave and that you are thriving in this new season. So happy for you!
I think a lot of us struggle with these thoughts. I am one of only two people who quote at my company and I’m the only person who quotes one specific product line. I was hired to do one job and then 6 months in, when someone else quit, I was handed their role as well so I’m literally doing the work of 2 people. If I leave, my coworker will literally be the only one left to do the work of three people. While I feel badly about that I can’t worry about it. What I’m more worried about is that I cannot find a different job that pays the same so I’m stuck here, crying in my cubicle every day as the stress leaks out of my tear ducts.
I know a lot of us struggle with these thoughts, because I received three of the exact same question in the span of a week, from three different women.
I definitely understand the worry of finding another job that pays enough. And also, you can certainly look for that job while you are doing your current role. And, perhaps, advocate for yourself with your current employer, asking for a raise or more time off or something to accommodate your increased workload. The worst they can do is say no, which they probably will, but at least you’ll establish a precedence when you do decide to leave. Wishing you luck!