The Road Trip Rule

The 2001 guideline I still employ in ALL of my relationships

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The year was 2001, and I was on a cross-country road trip with my sister Kelly. She was moving from NH to San Diego, so we packed up all her stuff and headed out on a 10-day adventure.

This was pre-Google maps or smartphones. We weren’t even using Mapquest yet. We set out with nothing but a Rand McNally and a highlighter, willing to drive hours out of our way if it meant seeing something cool. We went to Carlsbad Caverns, Monument Valley, Canyon de Chelly, and the Grand Canyon. We got on stage with the band in a small town in Arizona, locked the keys in the car in Kentucky, and got pulled over in the dead of night by the Sheriff of Cuba, NM.

It was a phenomenal trip—the kind I could do with only two people in the whole world. Spending that much time together in close quarters is hard, even if you do love each other. And it was inevitable over the course of those 4,000 miles that we’d become irritated with each other.

It started with the keys in Kentucky.

Can someone call a locksmith?

We stopped at a truck stop in Kentucky for some gas and Subway. Kelly was driving, and remember—this was 2001. We had actual keys that you put into the ignition and turned to start the car, with actual door locks you had to manually push up and down.

This also meant you could leave the keys in the ignition, push the door locks down, and close the door. Which is exactly what Kelly did.

We realized it when she came back from the bathroom and tried to open the door. She immediately panicked—the over-stimulated, crying kind, not the angry kind. What were we going to do? We were going to have to break a window! Then how would we drive all the way across the country? This was a DISASTER.

In the moment, I decided since she was clearly off-kilter, I had to be my calmest, soothing-est, most logical self. The more frantic she became, the more competent and reassuring I became. Was I worried too? Uh, yeah. We were pretty broke to begin with and didn’t even have AAA. But if we both became frantic and upset, it was only going to make things worse.

The Road Trip Rule: Only one person can be cranky at a time, and whoever calls it first gets it.

Apply as needed

My calm, cool, collected approach helped Kelly stop crying, and kept the situation from escalating into us bickering, blaming, or spinning out. Sure, it was hard keeping my cool, but it felt like a worthy effort. Especially once I did a slow, thorough examination of the car and realized the sunroof was open just enough to slip my shoulders in and unlock the passenger door.

When we were finally on the road and it was okay to laugh about it, I told Kelly about the approach I had taken back at the gas station. She agreed that it was very helpful in the moment, and right then and there, the Road Trip Rule was born.

From that point on, we stuck to the rule. Sometimes I’d be the cranky one, and Kelly would stay patient and calm. Sometimes, she’d get frustrated first, and I’d have to take deep breaths and stay cool. But we were able to navigate the rest of the road trip with zero drama, no matter what happened.

In fact, I’ve stuck to this rule ever since, because I’ve come to realize it applies to so many situations.

• If my husband gets depressed, I maintain a positive, capable, stable home environment while he works through his feelings (venting to my therapist as needed)

• If my husband gets irritated or frustrated because he’s lost or forgotten something (ADHD), I stay calm, reassuring, and solutions-oriented—even if I’m frustrated too

• If my kid has a sugar-induced, overstimulated meltdown, I become a safe and calm presence that he can rely on during and after the incident

• If I’m at a dinner where the service is bad and others are getting angry, I stay calm and understanding, and try to act as a liaison between the table and the server

• If my sister gets cranky about work when I’m visiting, I listen to her vent, reassure her of her value, and try to be helpful around the house

The unexpected benefits

Though I’ve never explicitly explained the “rule” to my husband, he has noticed and appreciated when I counterbalance his emotions. (He’s started doing the same for me, taking charge of situations that are clearly leaving me feeling overwhelmed.) And my sister has absolutely applied this in her own life, using it at work, in her relationship, and with her friends.

In addition, the Road Trip Rule has helped me better manage stress. If I’m not “allowed” to get cranky, irritated, or angry, how can I allow for and process those emotions in a healthy, productive way? It’s also helped me see how many things that used to trigger me just aren’t trigger-worthy. Because of the rule, my overall demeanor is more stable, grounded, and optimistic, especially when things do go wrong. This is a huge benefit, and something my husband has pointed out on many occasions. (I asked him about this, and he said, “You used to freak out out if your highly specific plan went sideways. Now it seems like you roll with it much better—which is a huge help for my stress levels.”)

Think back to a recent situation in which someone spun out, so you got spun out, and then the entire situation spun totally out of control? Could you have saved the day by employing the Road Trip Rule? Or maybe you’ve applied this rule already, whether you realized it in the moment or not! Say more in comments.

XO, MU